Skim the Surface
by Buff82
Summary: Rumor has it.  Bella deals with the reality that one little lie told can change everything.  A/H Rated M for mature content.
1. Chapter 1

_x_

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><p><em>Lay still, feel the quiet around you. Close your eyes, submerge into the darkness. This is where I am.<em>

_I want so much to be unbroken. To feel more than the heavy weight pressing against my chest._

_Lift me up and let me be light, weightless._

_Push me past the surface so I can breathe._

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><p><strong>AN: All I'm going to say is I'm attempting to post daily on this one. *Fingers crossed* Also, ily Iris. **


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight; all respective characters belong to SMeyer.**

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><p>Prickling.<p>

His eyes probe my skin from a distance. Such expression in those eyes. Haunting. My attention is drawn away on my own accord; pretending I can't feel it. In reality it's all I can feel, all I can think of.

I imagine him imagining me. Hooking a finger into the top of my turtleneck, exposing my collar bone placing purposeful kisses against the sensitive flesh.

Goosebumps litter my skin.

It's silly, he could be thinking of anything else, but I'd like to think it's always about me. Narcissistic, masochistic, so many wrong things …I know. He's dangerous, I've heard this. He's Forks High's black sheep. Mysterious and unrelenting to typical high school etiquette. In other words he doesn't eat anyone's shit.

"Don't look now but tall, dark and brooding is staring at you again." Jessica mumbles through pursed lips.

Jessica Stanley, my best friend since I could walk, is fearful of no one and no thing. Edward Cullen doesn't cause her the same reaction he does everyone else. She stares straight at him, eyebrows raised, but I can still feel his gaze on me.

Our coffees are ready so we shift to the counter grabbing up the steaming cups. Mine is filled with pumpkiny-goodness. Hers brimmed with something frothy and what would be to most people a lethal amount of caffeine. Stepping into the crisp fall air, I hug the cup between my fingers and smile. Fall is my favorite time of year. Christmastime is good and all, but give me a brisk autumn day, apple picking and pumpkin carving and I'm a happy girl.

"Is Mike meeting us?" The words tumble out effortlessly, like the steam from my cup against the cool air, as if I have moved on from the brooding figure in the corner of the coffee shop, but my mind still flickers to him. Wondering, always curious about him.

"Yeah, he's supposed to find us a good spot."

We pile into my car slipping into a mundane chatter that is all too common for us. I barely register that somewhere inside I yearn for more than this.

"But I just can't understand why she'd do that," Jess prattles on. "I mean she was practically stalking the guy and then all of the sudden he's not good enough for her? _What-eves. _ Rosalie Hale you are not God's gift to Forks High."

Laughing is easy with Jess, she's always so effortlessly providing snark, the entertainment is endless. It helps that I know her. I know the real Jessica Stanley, the one that will stay up all night with me watching shitty movies we've seen a million times because she knows I need a distraction. I know that beneath the bitch façade she cares harder than anyone I've ever met.

I suppose in the same token she's the only one who really knows me. Not the perfectly polished Bella, but the crumpled hopeless version who has been through loss and utter desperation, stumbling out the other side raw and in dier need of anything but feeling.

But that's not anything I want to be thinking about now. Now I want to be smiling, sipping my pumpkin spice latte and driving to the town's Halloween festival. Then later tonight I will let Jess drag me to Rosalie's big Halloween bash. I will dress in some ridiculous costume I'm sure Jess has already bought for me, complain for good measure and probably in the end have some fun. It's the way things are, and I am content, for now, to go with the flow.

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><p><strong>AN: Maybe one more today ... haven't decided yet.**


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight; all respective characters belong to SMeyer.**

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><p>Warmth. His hands are deliciously warm against my skin. Surprisingly soft. I'd expected the tips of his fingers to feel coarse and ridged. I should be startled by the sudden contact. After so long feeling his eyes on me it should be unnerving to actually experience his touch. It's anything but and I can't find the energy, nor need, to worry.<p>

"Thanks," I say softly as if the interaction is completely normal. My smile is at his chin I can't look him in the eyes.

"It's cold," is the lone reason he offers for walking over silently and cupping his hands around a stranger's. Only I could care less because he spoke. His voice. His _voice_. It's the first time in three years I've ever heard it. It's deep - rough the way his hands should be. The weight of it sends an electric current curling down my spine.

I shiver. "Yeah."

A pointer finger and thumb drums lightly against my wrist. He doesn't seem aware that he's doing it, a nervous habit maybe. Squinting against the dark, I watch his fingers move to the rhythm that matches my pulse perfectly.

"So…" I venture. "A priest?" A white, starched collar pokes out from his button-down black, notably pressed, dress shirt. Staring at his collar makes me think of the many daydreams I've had of Edward. His lips, my skin. A shiver rolls through me again.

His throat clears, I watch his adam's apple bob. "I was going for ironic."

The smile stretching my mouth widens. My eyes move higher to his lips, they smile too, only crooked.

"I see."

"So…" he copies. "A she-devil?"

My focus bravely tiptoes to the shadow cast by his long lashes against the tops of his cheeks. My grin turns sheepish. "I was going for ironic."

"I see."

It's a good banter, light, sarcastic. His hands hold tight around mine still grounding me to the darkened corner of Rosalie's back deck. No one has noticed our odd paring, perhaps the costumes help, or the alcohol that's being so freely passed around.

_Where are Rose's parents?_ _My dad would shit a brick if he knew. _This is my next thought. Edward's hands loosen slightly. I panic for a split-second wondering if he read my mind, aware that my attention strayed from him for a moment. He liked the bubble we had been in, I just broke through it drifting back to reality. Stupid.

"Do you make it a habit to warm stranger's hands?" I push back into the bubble. His grip tightens again. I release a light, undetectable sigh.

"Perhaps," is his reply.

"Maybe you should have gone as a superhero then." My eyes finally meet his. For a breath our gazes lock, the intensity causing a spark that I am convinced must have been visible to everyone. But he looks away before answering, settling his focus at the top of my head.

"We're not really strangers anyway."

"No?"

"No."

"What's my name then?"

"Bella."

My heart stops. Breathing stops. Brain stops. I shake my head slightly to snap out of it. His _voice_ saying my name. It catches me off-guard the effect he has on me despite having already felt it with just a look. Something about the fact that he knows anything at all about me … that he took the time to find out my name thrills me.

"Right," I mumble.

"And you know my name." He says matter-of-factly.

"Ok." I mumble again.

"Unless you really think it's tall, dark and brooding…" he chuckles softly, his breath, minty and cool, washes over my face.

My head spins, dizzying me. Frozen, my cheeks are burning, unable to speak. _How long has he known that's what Jess and I call him?_

Suddenly he feels too close. He's moved his body so that my hands are pressed between his stomach and palms. I flex my fingers into the crisp fabric of his shirt. My eyes are at his chin again, his on the top of my head still. _Look at me. _They beg. I want to. More than anything in this world I want the strength to look into his eyes but I feel so very weak.

"You watch me," I whisper.

He whispers back ever so softly, "Always."

One word and my breathing is asthmatic in my ears. I see his lips now. No longer a crooked smile but a straight, serious line.

"That should creep me out …" Uncertain why I say it, what possesses me to be so brutally honest, I continue. "...it doesn't…I like it."

Eyes. I've found them. _His_ eyes, they are green like summer grass. Vibrant and glowing in response to my confession. They crinkle at the sides as his smile returns, then dance around my face searching for something more, falling to my lips more than once. _Kiss me._ I want to say but my honesty is gone.

"There's more to you." His eyes narrow slightly with that bent smile.

The statement both shocks and excites me. In all his watching it never occurred to me that he may actually _see_ me. My mouth hangs, a response not coming any time soon. I hear my name, a distant muted sound being called from across the yard. It seeps through our bubble just barely. Jessica. They're getting ready to bob for apples. I think fleetingly that it's moronic to have a contest where you dunk your head into a tub of water at a party where heavy drinking is involved, but my emotions are completely frazzled. My brain has jammed into third gear - overwhelmed, my fight or flight reflexes have been tripped.

Though every fiber of my fast-beating heart is shouting that I stay, my automatic responses are overriding everything. I take a step back, glancing over my shoulder and loosing his eyes for good. I won't be able to manage eye-contact again especially not as I retreat like a coward. "I should…"

"Isabellaaaaaaa!" Jessica again.

Cringing with a relenting sigh. "…go."

His hands retract, the cold air bites at my skin as if to supply an added blow. "I'll see you around," I offer with a futile smile that I know looks forced. We both know we'll see each other around but we also know this was our moment. The chance to allow our lives to collide. Deep-down I'm sure I'll never get this chance again. He gives a soft nod, shoving his hands into his pockets. Tucking my chin into my chest, I hang my head and trot across the yard, regretting every step.

Forty minutes later I've pulled the glittery horns from my hair. My tight red body suit is covered with an oversized Michigan sweatshirt from Mr. Hale's closet and I'm curled on the corner of Rose's sofa picking at a small hole in my black tights. Tail in my other hand, I quietly pout.

Apparently Edward had left thirty minutes ago. He stayed long enough, by my estimation, to watch me win at bobbing for apples (which isn't difficult when your opponents are drunk,) and left. My instincts had been right, our moment was over. Now I am pissed at myself and no longer enjoying all the Halloween splendor.

Why did I even care? It would be so easy to chalk any 'spark' or interest in him up to curiosity. But why did it feel so much more intense than that?

"You want to bone him." Jessica exclaims nonchalantly as she plops down next to me, visibly swaying.

My face turns crimson, no doubt matching my covered body suit. "Excuse me?"

"Jasper. You totally want to bone him, you've been staring at him for like twenty minutes straight."

"What? Rose's brother? I have not!" Heat recedes from my face, instant relief.

She doesn't argue back, only smirks a drunken smile and points to the corner of the room. I glance to where she's motioning, the spot I'd been staring at mindlessly, and for the first time see him. He's leaning in the corner grinning with a cocky mirth to be rivaled as he waves back.

Fuck.

"No. No I was just spacing, I wasn't… no." She smiles back nodding in this 'knowing' way that makes me want to smack her. "Whatever Jess, I have to go."

She winks. "Okay tiger, call me in the morning okay?"

Staring back indignantly does no good, her goofy expression only gets stupider. "Yeah, okay. You have a ride home?"

"I'm crashing here."

My eyes go wide for a second. "With Rosalie?"

"Yeah, yeah, we're cool."

I remember then that Jess drove me. This night just keeps getting better. I bite the inside of my cheek so I don't snap at her. "Fine, I'll walk."

She winks again, fluttering her fingers at me as I rise and make my way through the now obnoxiously drunk people dancing around Rose's living room.

The walk home won't be too far. Just over a mile maybe but I can't help feeling the slightest bit bitter that Jess wasn't concerned at all for how I'd get there. That is until I hear it. Foot steps falling sloppily behind me.

"Hey, hey Bella - wait up!"

I don't recognize the voice so I stop and turn surprised to see Jasper trotting up his long driveway after me. Not sure what to say I watch him expectantly, waiting to see what he wants.

"Jess said you needed someone to walk you home."

Oh. "Oh."

He sidles up to my right, grinning that same cocky grin. I've never had a problem with Jasper. He seems like a nice enough guy, much nicer than his twin counterpart's mean girl persona. Laid back and easy going, but part of the populars for sure. That didn't stop his smile from seeming overly confident and … I don't know … entitled? I suppose that happens when you're born with everything handed to you.

Shrugging I begin shuffling my feet along the sidewalk again, deciding I actually didn't mind the company.

"I really like your costume."

Shit, I forgot my ears and tail inside the house. "Um, thanks. Yours is good too." He is dressed as a dead football player, not so original considering he is a football player, but at least he wore make-up to really sell the dead look.

"Thanks."

I nod and this is where I can think of nothing more to say. We walk in amicable silence for a minute. Wind picks up around us sending a shot of cold down my spine.

"Pretty cold tonight. It's good Halloween weather." He beams. I smile back, taking in the abandoned streets littered with candy wrappers. Grinning pumpkins wilting on porches, melted candles in their bellies. Trick-or-treaters are long gone for the evening, warm in their homes inventorying their booty.

The air smells like caramel and crackling fires, I breathe it all in filling my lungs with it. "Yeah it is."

"Here," he says softly, shrugging out of his letterman jacket.

Before I can protest he's cloaked my shoulders, surrounding me in a very boyish, very good smell. Warmth relaxes my muscles so all I say instead is "Thanks."

"I'm surprised Jess is spending the night. I didn't think she and my sister got along that well."

I nod. "Me either," I mumble, questioning the sudden friendship between the two again.

"I mean my sister is terrified of her," he laughs as if this is common knowledge and my eyes aren't bugging out of my head.

"What? No she's not…"

"Mmhm," he nods. "She's highly intimidated by anyone who doesn't bend over backwards to kiss her ass. And your friend does just the opposite."

Shaking my head in disbelief I repress a giggle. Jess would die to hear this conversation.

"She's pretty scared of you too," he muses with a light smile.

"Yeah right." I scoff at him.

"She is. You give off that vibe."

Quirking a brow I can't help but smirk. "Vibe?"

"That you can't be bothered with the trivial. It eats people like my sister alive that you could care less what Lauren Mallory had for breakfast or who Angela Weber hit on at the party tonight. She just can't comprehend it. I kinda like it."

"You, um, you like that your sister is scared of me?"

"No, that you don't care. I like that about you."

Interlacing my fingers, I press them together until they pop lightly, something I do when I feel flustered. Jasper Hale, you are flustering me. My cheeks pink, I play it off with a shrug.

"I was glad your friend asked me to walk you home actually. I've been looking for an excuse to talk to you."

Caught completely off-guard with this little tid-bit of knowledge my eyebrows show my surprise. "Really?"

He shrugs, a light blush creeping across his cheeks. For a moment he looks incredibly vulnerable and very, very young. "Yeah … really."

What was large mansion-esque homes with wide sweeping yards and u-shaped driveways has shrunk noticeably as we cross a small street. I watch the houses pass in quick, successive cape cods now.

"What about?"

A sideways glance accompanies an un-committing shrug of his left shoulder. "Anything."

Not quite sure what to do with this, I settle on nothing and focus on moving my feet toward home. Jasper, as I said, is a popular. I am not _un_popular, but I wouldn't throw myself into that pile either. Him admitting to wanting my attention is a confusing stroke of my ego. Being an analytical thinker my mind starts forming a list instantly.

Ok.

He's cute.

No, He's hot.

All the girls drool after him.

He seems nice.

Funny.

Athletic.

I haven't had a boyfriend … ever.

Barely been kissed. (If I want to count Tyler Crowley in eighth grade, but he's obviously swinging the other way now-a-days … I'd always wondered if I was the test dummy.)

He smells good.

Smart.

I couldn't find any negatives, only positives. So why wasn't I ecstatic? In the back of my mind Edward's permanently darkened expression appears. Then I think about how he had smiled tonight. Smiled for me. At me. I'd never seen that smile before, heard that voice, felt those hands. _That_ excites me.

By the time I assemble any type of appropriate response I can see my house at the end of the street. Hesitating, my black heeled boots tangle, propelling me forward. Jasper grabs around my waist, pulling me to him so I don't slam into the pavement. His arms are strong holding me close, pressing our bodies together. Wide-eyed, hands braced lightly against his muscular chest, I'm drawn deep into his gaze for a moment. The light caramel color of his irises reminding me so much of the falling leaves around us.

I can smell him now, not just the remnants on his jacket. It's altogether inviting. I close my eyes without thinking, drawing in his smell. The pressure against my lips is almost immediate. Soft and warm in contrast to the chilly air. I'm lost for a time, the feeling drowning out everything else.

His tongue slides questioningly against my bottom lip. My mouth parts in a sigh, our tongues mingle gently. It's then that I taste the alcohol, a sharp reminder of reality. The night comes back to me abruptly. The face I see, the hands I feel are Edward's. It's not right to lead Jasper on, no matter how good he smells, or how well he kisses.

Breaking away takes some effort. I pull back, he follows. "Jasper," I mumble against him. He takes it as positive affirmation of my enjoyment. His fingers grip into my hip bones almost painfully. His mouth moves faster, tongue more probing. He moans against me, pressing his groin into my stomach.

I push lightly, repeat his name.

"Bella," he grunts, freeing my lips but devouring my neck sloppily. I think of Edward again, how many times I've imagined his lips there.

"Jasper stop," I try again lightly, struggling to keep the rising panic out of my voice.

He grinds himself into my hip, mumbling incoherent things into my skin. His hand skims my stomach under his father's sweatshirt. Suddenly in one rough, abrupt motion he palms my left breast. Sucking in a sharp gasp of air my nails dig into his forearms. His hands kneed harder. Hurting. Lips trip chaotically across my flesh.

"Jasper stop!" I finally sputter out with some semblance of authority.

He pauses only long enough to mutter "Oh come on baby."

My back hits something solid, a tree? Telephone pole maybe? I hadn't realized we were even moving. He seals any space between us, pressing the length of his body to mine. Nibbling at my neck, I cringe at the thought of marks he's leaving.

A push against his arms. Jasper doesn't budge. He's too strong. His tongue begins to feel slimy and disgusting. His hips gyrate more aggressively. Hands palm both breasts, one slips down the neckline of my body suit. No bra. My nipple feels raw against his skin.

My head lulls back in frustration and I shove again. The air in my lungs feels dry, scratching like fiberglass on its way in and out. "Jasper, please," I beg, sounding so weak it makes me sick.

He doesn't hear me, he's on another plane. The sweet, funny guy who began walking me home dissolved into this … drunk and hungry, deaf monster. My eyes fall closed, a tear catching the corner of my mouth. The salty taste is bitter, turning my stomach. _Just finish_. I think as a ripping sound echoes in my ears. It sounds so ear-spliting I want to scream. I want to bellow so loud the entire neighborhood wakes.

My throat burns, all the sickening pressure against my body that was so crushing disappears instantly. I fall. Legs meet the cold, damp grass beneath my feet. My chest heaves and the night air goes completely still. Silence. The loud noise that had been blaring in my ears _was_ me. My scream.

Eyes open slowly, painful from being clamped so tightly shut. I'm limp underneath a street lamp, a halo of yellow washing over my body. I feel exposed in this too bright spot.

Jasper stands above me, horrified. Eyes wide with fear and anguish. "My God, Bella … I'm, I'm so sorry." His head moves slowly back and forth almost in disbelief. I feel numb, there's nothing to say to him. "So sorry," he repeats before he is gone; vaporized into the night.

Shivering I hug my arms tight against my stomach. My breathing is erratic, my chest heaving against would-be sobs. All I can think, the only thought I have ..._ that was my first real kiss. _

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><p><strong>AN: Are we all okay? I hope so. ((hugs))**


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight; all respective characters belong to SMeyer.**

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><p>Monday morning comes too soon. Life is cruel in that way. I contemplate faking sick, not wanting to see Jasper. Not wanting to face reality. I'd done a pretty good job of hiding from it yesterday. I didn't tell my dad anything. I couldn't. And when he asked me about the marks on my neck I blamed it on the barrel we used for bobbing for apples. No one had heard me scream, or paid attention if they had; maybe because it was only once, and it was Halloween. It was probably chalked up to teenagers messing around. Which was somewhat true … I suppose.<p>

I've debated with myself whether or not to even tell Jess. I mean, what was there to tell? I hadn't been raped. So he got a little handsy and ripped the top of my body suit a bit … would anyone even care? It seemed so much worse, so much more intense in the moment.

Then there was me mentally. Was I ok? Yeah … I think I am. I really feel okay. I keep replaying the look of mortification Jasper had. He seemed as shocked by it as I was. I tell myself over and over he was drunk. Drunker than I thought he was when he first started walking me home. So I push it all down. Deep down, and lock it up where I can't think about it anymore. I decide if anything seeps out in the next few days I should tell someone. If not, it's fine, no one was harmed.

My subconscious knows this is bullshit. The feminist part of me is enraged. But these are all voices easily ignored when you're too close to them so they barely register and are slipped into the locked box with the rest of it.

As I grab my backpack from its spot on the floor, faded blue leather catches my eye. Crumpled in the corner is Jasper's lettermen jacket. The sight of it causes me to pause, a lump rising in my throat. This means I'll have to see him, speak to him. "Fuck," I mutter. Knowing this is a shitty start to my day I shove the jacket to the bottom of my backpack and resolve to push everything out of my mind. I need a distraction.

Rain tick, tick, ticks lightly against my windshield as I pull onto the road towards Forks High. The rhythm picks up pace as I drive reminding me of another drumming sound. Or feeling rather. Edward's finger against my pulse point. I can almost feel it. For the first time since Saturday night a smile curls my lips.

By the time I reach the school's parking lot I've tricked my brain into just about forgetting anything having to do with Jasper. Everything is Edward and I am thoroughly distracted. Mission accomplished. I climb from my car, backpack in hand and trail to my locker like any other day. I don't notice the eyes on me, the hushed murmurings as I pass. I'm too busy thinking of stolen whispers and crooked smiles.

"Isabella Marie Swan."

"What Jess?" I drone.

I'm not in the mood to play her games today. I know by the tone in her voice the next sentence out of her mouth will have to do with me guessing the newest bit of juicy gossip fluttering around the halls. I know I'll close my locker, turn to face her and she'll have that wide-eyed 'you'll never guess' expression. Her grin will be practically eating her whole face and she'll burst before I can even begin to speculate, gushing every last morsel with ardent fervor. For someone who doesn't really care about the happenings at this school she puts on a good show - it's fun for her.

A metal clang. Swivel on my heels. Goofy face. All the same. I smile at her predictability but her eyes slant, a suspicious tilt to her head throws off the typical production.

"What?" I ask shrinking back, feeling defensive.

"Oh nothing. You didn't call." And that is Jessica's version of making me squirm. It was meant to have an excruciating pause so that when she feigned 'nothing' I'd freight over what I could have possibly done - simmer in my assumed guilt. However, Jessica lacked the dutiful patience that kind of torture warranted.

Scrunching my nose, I hitch my backpack onto my shoulder. "Oh, I had a lot of homework yesterday and Charlie wanted me to watch the game with him." I shrug to signify how unremarkable my day was, that it was no big deal to not have called her.

Totally believable. Normally. But I knew there was more than a good enough reason to call my best friend yesterday. And I was beginning to get the feeling, to my utter mortification, that perhaps Jess did as well. Her eyes narrow to tiny pinpoints, mouth quirking to the side in an awkward half frown, half contemplative gesture.

"So … have a nice walk?" Jessica was also not known for beating around the bush. I start walking, heading toward first period in hopes she'll leave me alone. I'm not that lucky, and also she's annoyingly persistent.

"It was fine Jess, I'll see you at lunch." I pick up the pace, able to see the doorway to my classroom. The florescent lights from inside beckoning me, a glow of salvation. Jess yanks my arm, pulling me into a seldom used bathroom. In slow motion my safe haven disappears behind pale green tile and white cinder block walls.

"Bella! What is your problem?"

Back pressed against the wall, I am very literally trapped. I shake my head. "What? Nothing. What is _your_ problem?"

"My prob- why are you lying to me! I know okay," her voice goes from shrill to hushed whisper in a hasty diminuendo. "I know about you and Jasper."

All the blood in my body drains to my feet. "He told you? Why? Why would he?"

She bites into her bottom lip, her expression becoming slightly embarrassed. "Well, no he didn't tell me. But I overheard him Sunday morning talking to Emmett McCarty. He was going on and on about you two. Bella, I think he really likes you." She smiles. I feel sick.

A million questions drown my thoughts. I can't pluck one out to speak it. What do I say? What did _he_ say?

"Anyway, I'm so excited for you Bella, Jasper Hale! I mean," she pauses, touching my shoulder, supplying me what's intended to be a leveling stare. "I'm still pissed _you_ didn't tell me. GAH - Bella you lost your v-card!" she finishes in a stage whisper.

My vision cascades into this long tunnel. I'm staring at a bank of fogged-out windows on the far wall that can't be more than ten feet away but they seem a million. Jess' voice slows, white noise clouding her words.

_V-card? _ No he couldn't have …. he didn't. After what happened - what he did. "Jessica."

"Hm?" Glancing to my right I see with eyes that aren't really seeing anything that she's re-applying lip gloss in the mirror.

"That didn't happen." My voice is so low even I barely register it.

"What didn't happen?" She puckers her lips together evening out the gloss.

"We didn't have sex. Jasper and I didn't have sex. We didn't…"

"Whoa, whoa honey, slow down." My voice had unwittingly raised about ten octaves as I repeated the words, each time more and more in disbelief that I even had to say them.

"You didn't sleep with Jasper in the bed of your Dad's pickup?"

"WHAT!" I shout, eyes wide, shock quickly burned away by anger. I want to call my father and ask him very kindly to shoot Jasper Hale in the face. I want to walk out of this bathroom, march straight to the office, locate his first period and rip every hair follicle from his perfectly manicured head. I want to smash his face in, run him over with my father's pick up. I want. I want to curl in a ball and cry until I can't breathe. If Jessica knows, the whole school knows. Why would he do this?

"Holy shit," her eyes search my face. I watch her features crumble as she realizes I'm telling the truth. "That motherfucker," she growls through gnashed teeth. Even I'm thrown by how ferocious she sounds. Without another word she spins, stomping to the door.

"Jess, wait!" I stop her, gripping her bicep. "Wait."

"I'm going to go give that scumbag a piece of my mind."

"No, please Jess, it'll just make it worse. Please. We don't know who else he's told, just let me… let me handle this my way. Please?"

Her face softens, she wraps her arms around me pulling me into a tight hug. "Oh Bella, I'm so sorry I assumed, what a bitchy thing to do. I'm sorry he's such an asshole, I'm just so sorry."

Her ranting apology brings me a slight smile despite the tears brimming my lashes. "Thanks Jess."

We stay a bit longer in the sanctity of the bathroom as I fill her in on what did happen. It's harder than I thought to recant, and her horrified facial expressions don't make it any easier. By the time she knows everything she's ready to kill Jasper herself and I have to convince her to let me handle it again. She apologizes five more times, barely letting me go from her mama bear hug as I insist we have to get to class.

The rest of first period is a blur. I move from class to class with a cloudy head and heavy heart. Jasper's face that night, those wide eyes, mouth in a very un-cocky open hang, I don't understand how such horror in one's actions would lead to this. He had said sorry and I'd foolishly allowed myself to believe him.

I stand at my locker between periods feeling eyes constantly wash over me. Out of habit I glance to see, half expecting that dark jade gaze.

"Hey Bella," Mike Newton waves from across the hall. He's standing with a group football players. Nameless boys who could all be traded out for the other, uninteresting and cookie cutter. Their wide smiles in my direction, however, are new. Mike is a friend though so I smile back as best I can. He looks nervous, clearing his throat awkwardly as one of the boys shoves him gently my way causing him to clip a small freshmen.

The slight girl staggers back with a timid glare but Mike doesn't even look at her. His face crimson, he shoots me another small wave before dashing away. One of the football boys yells "Pussy!" in a loud booming voice.

When I look back to the girl she is halfway down the hall, but my attention is no longer on her. Walking in his particular nonchalant stroll, Edward is moving smoothly through the rat race of students trying to make it to class before the final bell. My mouth opens automatically as if to call out his name. But I hesitate and watch him turn a corner instead. For a moment I think about walking away from him. I wonder how differently my night would have gone had I ignored Jess and stayed in our bubble. Maybe he would have been the one to walk me home. Maybe my first real kiss would have been so, so different. The final bell for class sounds, the hallway is empty so no one can see the tears that sting my eyes. I wipe them quickly away shutting my locker.

At lunch Jess prompts me quietly, asking if I've talked to Jasper. All I can do is shake my head, staring at my full try of untouched food.

"What are you going to say to him?" She whispers.

"I don't know Jess." That lump is back, a rock in my throat. Without looking, because I can't bear to see the disappointment in her eyes, I plead. "I don't want to talk about it…please."

Her fingers brush a loose strand of hair from my face. Snarky Jess dormant for the time being, this is her sensitive side that truly makes her who she is. "It'll be okay Bella."

Pulling in a sigh through flared nostrils I force eye contact. "Yeah," I nod, placing a smile on my face. She smiles back weakly, worry in her deep chestnut eyes. She knows me too well, she sees right through my front. For good measure, I pick up the greasy slice of pizza on my tray and chomp off a large bite. My stomach turns at the taste of the gooey cheese but I swallow it anyway. Jess smiles genuinely now.

"Movie night tonight?" She asks cheerfully.

"Um, sure," I smile back, knowing this is her way of taking care of me.

Jess has managed to lift my spirits by the end of lunch. What really does it is her dubbed version of the Jock table's conversation. From across the room we can't hear what their saying, but it doesn't matter because her narration is priceless. At one point I laugh so hard milk goes up my nose.

"Well anyway, I think we should do a Swayze-thon," she chuckles as I pinch my nose, fighting back the burning sensation.

"Veto." I shake my head.

"You can't just veto! You have to give reasons bitch, present your case, this isn't a monarchy as much as you fancy yourself a princess."

I laugh loudly because she knows that couldn't be further from the truth, then dump my tray into the trash. "Simple. Been there done that ten million times."

"Uh - objection."

I scoff indigently, pausing by the door. "You can't object, it's _my_ reason! What could possibly be your objection?"

"It's P a t r i c k S w a y z e. You can't see his movies too many times so your reasoning holds no grounds." She shrugs. "Plus I say so."

"You say so … what?"

"I say we watch Patrick Swayze movies, I have a hankering," she replies breezily, turning through the door.

I laugh again, rolling my eyes. "Who sounds like a princess now?"

Her response is funny, I'm sure, she's always witty, but I don't hear it. My feet freeze mid-stride. Just outside the lunchroom Edward leans against a wall. When he hears my voice he looks up, eyes finding mine automatically.

My stomach knots, air rushes from my lungs. His face is off, his expression holds a hardness I'd never noticed before, at least not when he looked at me. Then I realize. Standing next to him is Emmett Mcarty

He's heard.

He knows and he looks away too quickly, mumbling something to Emmett too quietly for me to hear before he walks away. I watch him go.

"Belllaa Swan," Emmett croons as if he knows me. I want to smack him but deep down know I'm just angry that Edward looked at me that way. I swallow back the bitterness before I say something I'll regret. Jess is by my side again, pulling on my arm.

"Come on Bella, we're gonna be late for last period."

Edward's looks stays with me, I can't shake it through my last class. Most people wouldn't have thought anything of it, but it was different. It _felt_ different which made me incredibly sad. This day has spiraled out of control, I feel like screaming and ripping my hair out. It's all Jasper's fault. Picturing his smarmy smile now makes me grind my teeth. I cannot let this continue, he needs to set the record straight. I will talk to him. Today. The only thing I'm not sure of is how to approach him. Do I yell at him like I so badly want to? Do I pull him aside quietly to talk? The thought of having any sort of conversation with him makes me ill.

By the final bell I decide to just ask him. An odd calm fills me as I wait in the parking lot, the only thing I can be thankful for today. Small pebbled asphalt grinds under my sneaker with every drag of my toe, making the same scraping sound over and over. My eyes stay scanning the throngs of faces flooding from the school and into the lot. The entire place is emptied out in less than fifteen minutes, Jasper is nowhere to be found. It takes me an additional ten minutes to realize he has football practice.

My thoughts are full of rehearsed questions and prepared responses depending on his reaction. I'm praying it will ultimately all be some sort of misunderstanding. That Jess possibly heard him incorrectly, that Edward's odd look and all the eyes on me today were just a coincidence … yeah, right. The dominating cynical voice in my subconscious thinks not.

There are only a few players running warm-up drills on the field. Most of the boys look smaller, tall and lean. I figure they must be the offensive players, the wide receivers, running backs, punt returners, and I spot the kicker who is preparing to kick a ball that has been placed neatly into a holder.

The quarterbacks, starter and backups, stand in a huddle chatting about god knows what. They appear to be working considerably less than any of the other players on the field. They talk and laugh, tossing a ball between them. Jasper is the starter, he's their ring leader. The calm I had been feeling is being eaten away by angry acid; his cocky smile blaring at me from across the rain-soaked field.

A coach blows a whistle and half the players trot over obediently. The fab squad of quarterbacks stay where they are and don't seem to pay much attention. They must be waiting for their specialty coach. I don't know and I don't really care because in that moment when I'm trying to decide if I should retreat tactfully or walk across the field and ask to speak with him, one of Jasper's cohorts who I recognize as Ben jabs him in the ribs and points right at me with a laugh. Jasper glances my way, cocky grin, nods, laughs and hands the ball he's holding to Ben.

Any hope for it having been a misunderstanding rolls off me like water, drooling to the ground along with my dignity. Jasper is walking my way. I'm wishing he carried the ball with him so that I could spike it on his face.

"Bella, hey."

My jaw dislodges from its taut position, mouth hanging open a bit. Hey. Hey?

"Jasper."

He reaches the spot where I stand, a hand gliding smoothly through his honey-colored hair that has yet to become sweaty from any sort of rigorous practice. A move that probably makes most girls swoon. "What's up?"

What's up? I can't think of how to answer. What is up? Besides the very obvious answer, the sky, I am at a total loss. How do you confront someone who seems so utterly clueless to their wrong doing. I contemplate slapping myself to ensure I'm not dreaming but finally settle on something ambiguous enough to get him talking. "I know Jasper."

For one glorious instant his face falls. That grin melts into something more human and his skin goes ashen. Just as quickly he recovers, grin hung back in place, face rosy from the biting chill in the air. "Know what?"

There are a million things I could say. That he's an asshole. That he doesn't understand the word stop. That just because he was drunk it doesn't make it ok. That he almost raped me and I'd love to know what stopped him. What human instinct kicked in and where was that now? Only my strength under his gaze feels nonexistent. Standing in his territory with his teammates watching curiously behind us I feel completely powerless.

"What you're saying," I find myself whispering. "…about us."

He leans in as if he's having trouble hearing me. My eyes lock on his practice jersey. The material warn, the lettering flaking away as if it can't stand to be on the fabric any longer. Despite the cold, his arms are bare.

"And?" He whispers back, the menace in his voice not going unnoticed. In my peripheral vision I can see the edge to his mouth, the way it's turned down just so.

"They'll never believe you Bella." His voice is so low I can feel it more than hear it. My hands shake inside my jacket pockets.

"I couldn't let you tell anyone, now I know you won't because if you do you'll look desperate. Like you're lying so you're not labeled a whore."

His logic is surprisingly on point in a detached, entirely soulless way. A crisp breeze picks up, lifting loose tendrils of my hair away with it. I wish it would carry me away completely. The wind stings my eyes as they widen, tears warm the corners. "What?" I sound more shocked than I actually feel.

His smile returns as if he knows he's gotten his point across. He's free to play nice again. "This way it's a win win. You'll gain a marginal amount of popularity from having been with me and I … well, I won't be labeled a monster for the rest of my life."

_You should be_. I think, my eyes rising to his. I'm caught off-guard by the worry I find there. It belies his confidence in the situation as well as his words. He is terrified. But he's also now right.

If I tell people now what really happened they'd never believe me. Not in this town, Jasper Hale's word carried more weight in popularity then mine ever would. There was the added fact that I told no one right after, and still Jess is the only one who knows the truth. I'm the police chief's daughter for Christ sake, why wouldn't I have told right away? No one would understand. Not to mention the fact that money talks, I was certain his father would dig him out of any real trouble it might get him in.

In the end I would be the one to come out truly hurt. That doesn't stop the emotions circulating through me. The humiliation that I feel in this moment. To have to eat his shit is incredibly crushing in more ways than one.

"Jasper?" I smile at him, unsure where the strength comes from.

"Yes darlin?"

"You're an asshole who shouldn't get too comfortable." It comes out with authority, the meaning clear - _watch your back_. But it feels hallow, meaningless. My whole body now shakes as I turn and walk away before he can detect any of this. I don't wait for his reaction, I'm in my car and out of the parking lot before I take my next breath. It comes out a shaky sob; I pull over and bawl into my palms uncontrollably.

I'm not sure how long it takes me to calm down. I release everything from my system in angry tears, beating against my steering wheel with soar fists. There will be bruises on the sides of my hands for sure. Still shaking hands reach for my phone, I dial Jess without thinking.

"Bella, hey, tell me everything - did you let him have it? Tell me you bitch slapped him in front of the whole football team and he cried like a little girl."

Releasing a sigh and pinching the bridge of my nose I feel emptied after my crying session, finding it hard to speak. "No, not quite."

"Sooo, what did he say? Why did he pull such a prick move? Did he apologize? How is he going to tell everyone that he's a lying dirtbag?"

"He's not Jess."

"He's not? What do you mean - oh do you get to tell everyone? That might actually be sweeter. We can post something in the school paper. The headline can just be _Lies_. Could you imagine? That'd be-"

"JESS," I cut her off wincing at my raw throat. "He's not going to tell anyone he lied. He's sticking to his story and I can't tell anyone either."

"What the fuck are you talking about Bella?"

"He did this so I wouldn't tell. This is his insurance policy that I won't run my mouth about how he can't keep his hands to himself. He figures no one will believe me and I'll be the one labeled a desperate liar if I try to tell the truth."

Her laughing comes as a bit of a surprise. Pulling the phone away from my face I frown at it. "Why are you laughing?"

"Because he is the biggest dip-shit if he thinks that's true. What an idiot. Bella, you have to tell people the truth."

"He's right Jess."

"No he's not. Please, like anyone would believe him over you."

"He is, and they would. Jess think about it. I didn't say anything to anyone for two whole days. Not even my father, and then he goes around telling everyone we slept together and all of the sudden I come out with this story about how he tried to force himself on me. Put any other girl in that situation and pretend you don't know the truth and tell me what you'd believe."

She is quiet for several moments. A fresh wave of tears rolls down my cheeks silently.

"Bella … you can't let him just get away with this."

"I don't know Jess I'm just so tired. I can't think about it anymore."

"Well, I can be over in a bit. I'll bring Patrick."

Even though this makes me crack a slight grin, I sigh into the receiver. "Actually Jess, I was thinking I might just go home and crash. I really do feel drained by all of this."

"Oh, okay, sure. Please call me if you need me though. I can't imagine how you feel…" she trials.

"Thanks Jess. For everything."

We hang up as I start my car back onto the road. Once home, I lug my exhausted limbs to my room, falling into bed. It's not until my backpack thuds to the floor unusually loud that I remember Jasper's lettermen jacket.

Eliciting a low groan into my pillow, I press my face into the soft cotton. I'm still fully clothed, shoes and all, reluctant to move but Jasper's jacket mocks me from its warm home inside _my_ backpack. Frustrated, I rise, unzip it and rip the offending jacket from its contents. The jacket gets thrown back into to corner of my room as I kick my shoes off and flop back down. I think bitterly that he's lucky I don't cut the thing to shreds. Pressing my eyes tightly shut I will sleep to wash over me and take me away from this hellacious day.

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><p><strong>AN: _Spoiler Alert!_ You will hate Jasper. And Bella will irritate you. Pretty much... yeah. I have an issue in which I always feel the need to make my characters likable, giving them redeeming qualities and shit - even the antagonists. It's a problem and I'm trying to work through it. It's okay if you hate some of the characters, it's okay. *breathes* But I'm just gonna stop talking cause I'm feeling the need to explain and I'll inevitably say too much. OH! But I have something I need to say cause last night something amazing happened. This got rec'd on the fb page for The Lemonade Stand and the response was like WHAT I can't even. I peed my pants I was so giddy then I cried, it wasn't pretty. Seriously, you guys are all amazing and so sweet and I love you all don't ever leave me. I promise I won't be so gooey all the time, but I needed to say this. THANK YOU! I am legitimately speechless and humbled that even one person likes anything I do - seriously, it makes no sense to me so it comes as a serious surprise. In summation :3, thanks for the reviews! 33333 **


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight; all respective characters belong to SMeyer.**

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><p>I feel Edward's presence before I see him and turn to face him on shaky legs. There is instant relief by what I see. His look is so soft, eyes puddles of an unthinkable wonder. He steps closer, watching me carefully. Having him so close does funny things to my head so that I can't think clearly, my thoughts foggy. With a certainty that denotes familiarity, he brushes his thumb slowly along my cheek. It leaves a molten path that soothes. My heart rate evens, relaxation settling all the way to my bones.<p>

"Why didn't you tell me?" He speaks softly leaning closer.

What answer is there to give him? I'm still not sure of it myself. "I couldn't."

"I would have believed you." The tip of his nose presses softly to my temple.

"I know," I murmur, turning my face so our cheeks touch.

"I wish you had," he replies dropping his hand.

My brow nits together, his smooth skin dissolves into nothing. I'm alone. "I wish I hadn't walked away," I speak to the empty space.

"Bells!" Charlie's voice coupled with a light shaking stirs me from my dream.

I frown at him. "What?" I mush out groggily.

"Your friend is here," he offers with an inquisitive look. "I'll go tell her you're awake."

_Just a dream_, I realize. Jess walks through my door, bright eyed and obviously already fully caffeinated.

"Morning," she chirps, handing me a steaming cup of coffee.

I sit forward taking it from her, my head still floating. An overwhelming melancholy grips my insides. That dream was beautiful but so heartbreaking.

"What's wrong?" She frowns plopping down next to me.

I shrug, avoiding eye contact so that I don't have to admit what I'd dreamt. Who I dreamt of. "Just sleepy, sorry."

"Well," she presses, patting my leg. "So what's the plan?"

"Plan?" I repeat, sipping on the creamy caramel goodness in my hands.

"Yeah, the plan. How are we going to get back at Jasper? Whatever it is I am _all_ in."

I look at my best friend, my very non-morning person best friend, sitting in my room at 6:15 on a Tuesday morning beaming at me as if she has all the confidence in the world in me. I know she's all in, because I would do anything for her too. I smile despite my lingering sadness.

"Jess, there is no plan. I'm not doing anything."

She quirks an impressive eyebrow, I think idly that I'm jealous I can't do that as well as she can. "Nothing? Bella, you can't sit by and let him just do this."

I grunt, rubbing my hand over my face. Explaining myself and my propensity to avoid confrontation is not what I wanted to be doing. I just want to be pouting quietly to myself about that dream. His touch felt so real.

"I've just been thinking that, really? Who cares? So a few people spread this rumor? If I don't feed it I won't help it to grow and it'll eventually die out."

She eyes me thoughtfully, deciding how to respond. "You know just as well as I do that those people won't let this die. At the very least it will shape who you are to them, and Bella, that fucking pisses me off. You're not just another one of Jasper Hale's sluts fawning at his feet."

"I know, but…" I shrug feeling both sad that her depiction of what others will paint is accurate and thankful that she's got my back. "I just don't think dignifying it with any sort of response is the answer. Also there's Jasper …"

She frowns, rolling her eyes. "Oh, do not tell me you are worried about hurting him in any way. Please, I will lose my shit I swear to god Isabella."

"No. No, not that. Jess, you should have seen his eyes. When he basically threatened me he looked terrified. I was thinking about it and it made me realize - the ball's in my court. At this point I hold all the cards. I kinda want to wait and see if I should show my hand yet or not."

Jess sighs, stealing my coffee and taking a loud sip. "I don't know Bella. It just seems so unfair."

"Life's not fair.." I trail, my attention going to the window seat across my room. It's something my mother told me before she … died, and Jess knows it.

"Oh Bella," she sighs, wrapping her arms around me.

A warm shower washes away most of the weird emotion left by my dream, though I can't help feeling the need to see Edward today. I thank Jessica for her morning wakeup call as we slip into her car, heading for school. I appreciate it more then I think she will ever know.

Much like yesterday, the moment I step foot on campus there are eyes and whispers. The only difference is today I am ready for it. So I walk through the front double doors and beeline for my locker, making sure to hold my head up. One thing I promised myself was that if Jasper was going have this little lie then I was going to keep my self-respect. I would not let this debase me. A constant reminder looped through my head that I knew the truth and it didn't matter what other's thought.

Jess has drama first period, so she leaves me at my locker with a quick hug and a supportive smile. I wave her off and grab my AP Government textbook.

"Hi Bella."

I turn to see Rosalie standing behind me, plastic smile perfectly in place. "Uh… hi … Rosalie."

"Just wanted to see if you wanted to sit with us at lunch today." I notice then that she has four girls standing behind her. I don't know all their names, some of them are underclassmen (trainees, Jess and I call them,) but I do recognize Lauren and Angela.

I've been in school with these girls since kindergarten and they never paid me any attention. The only reason Jess and I were even invited to Rosalie's Halloween party is because of Mike. He's on the football team, second string, but he plays so Jasper invited him, and us by extension. In fact, that was the first Hale party we'd ever been to.

I'm dumbfounded, and quite obviously so due to my non-answer and blank stare. "I… I guess, maybe." I don't want to be rude, but I'm also not stupid.

Her smile falters for a brief pause. With a practiced ease she smoothes out her features and flashes those pearly whites once again. _Rosalie, you would make an excellent politician,_ I think. "Great, we'll see you there," she replies, turning quickly and walking away with an authoritative stride.

Narrowing my eyes at the quintette of girls' v-formation that splits through the crowded halls with an astounding proficiency, I can't help but wonder. Yesterday I wasn't even a blip on their radar, and now they're paying me attention? It's almost as if they gave it twenty-four hours. Like I've been thrown against a window and they waited to see if I'd stick before they reached out to me. People are still talking today, my name is still in the news. To these girls I'm just a hot button topic that they'd love to lay claim to. No thanks. I'll be eating in the library today.

Government happens like any other day. All seems pretty typical and I say a silent thank you for the normalcy of it. Until I get up to leave. The bell has rung, kids are filtering out the door and I'm following as I struggle to shove my book into my backpack. Without warning, something knocks into me, causing me to drop the book.

It's a boy, Todd, who sit's a few rows ahead of me. He quirks a smile that says anything but the words that fall out of his mouth. "Oh my bad, sorry." Bending down he swipes the book and reaches to place it into my bag. His hand brushes against my right breast when he does, and I jerk back a bit. He retreats before I can say anything, practically skipping out of the classroom. When I turn out the door he's laughing and high-fiving Steven, another boy in my class.

My mouth falls open, gawking at their audacity. Steven winks at me and the boys disappear into the flow of bodies. _Did that seriously just happen? _It takes the final bell ringing for next period to get me to snap out of it. Annoyed that I'm now late for English, I make a mad dash for class.

Lunch time rolls around and I have all but forgotten about Rosalie. In an attempt to ignore any attention and keep my thoughts off of things in general, it's completely slipped my mind. So when I walk into the cafeteria and she swoops in like a vulture I cringe.

"Hey B, we're over here," she points, linking her arm through mine. _B? For fuck's sake. _Unable to supply her rejection without making some statement and huge ordeal, I suck it up and drop into a seat at their table. My eyes are glued to the lunchroom door, waiting for Jess. When she strolls in, I call for her loudly - possibly too loudly. My eagerness shows. I sink down a bit in my seat, face red.

She wanders over, uncertainty in her step. "Hey Bella, what are you…"

"She's sitting here," Rosalie informs as if it's her job. She assesses Jess with a cattiness that screams out to anyone paying the slightest bit of attention. "I suppose you can join us."

Jess' mouth forms an _O_ shape, and I know by the set of her brows and jut of her hip that she's about to let Rosalie Hale have it.

"Yes, sit Jess, _please_," I throw her a pleading look so she'll hopefully get it. _Help me. _She takes pity, plopping down at my side.

"I love you," I whisper so that only she can hear.

"You owe me," she hisses back. Then a smile breaks out across her face, making me suspicious. "No, this is fine. Perfect. I have something to talk to you about anyway."

"What?" I mush over a mouthful of peanut butter and jelly.

"It's not a big deal, I just need your help with a little project. I'll tell you about it after lunch."

I squint at her, she looks too happy. This won't be good for me.

We survive lunch. Keeping a low profile and avoiding eye contact seems to work with this group when the goal is being invisible. It makes me wonder again why Rosalie would ask me to sit with her if she wasn't even planning to talk to me.

"So what is it?" I ask Jess as we throw away our trash.

"See you tomorrow B!" Rosalie calls as she floats out the door, her dolls all in a row in her shadow.

Jess barks out a laugh at my expression, I must look horrified. "She doesn't think that…"

"Aw, B, you're her newsiest shiniest toy, didn't you know? You're all the rage right now. I heard four guys alone in my art class discussing if you and Jasper were serious, or if it was just a fling. Then they proceeded to fight over who had dibs if you were indeed single."

I blanch at her. "What the fuck Jess?"

"I'm beginning to think maybe you were right. Milk this cash cow while you've got it."

"Jessica!"

"What? Your pick of any guy. Why not? Live a little."

"Whatever Jess, you know I don't care about that. Anyway, what do I owe you?"

"Oh, that… nothing really, just need you to help me with my senior one act."

I frown, "I thought they don't do those until the spring?"

"This year O'Malley's making us do two. One in the fall and one in spring. It's supposed to give us an opportunity to see our growth or some bullshit. Personally, I think it's just an excuse to make some more money for the drama department but whateves."

"Well," I clap my hands together. "What do you need me to do? Help paint sets? Clean up dialogue? Whose play are you working on anyway? Is it Gilbert's, cause he totally has a thing for you."

Sticking her tongue out, she scrunches her nose. "Ew, gross B."

"Don't call me that!"

She shakes her head with a knowing smile. "Anyway, I'm doing my own play, directing it. And I want you to play the lead."

I choke on my saliva. "You want me to WHAT?"

"Oh please Bella, I need you. The part is perfect for you. And you can do it, please?"

"What makes you think I can act all of the sudden?"

"Remember our fifth grade play? You wanted to be an actress then, do you remember that? And you were phenomenal."

"That was before I realized I don't like attention. And Amanda Parnell totally stole the show as Peter Pan, no one was paying attention to me," I huff.

"But you were an amazing Wendy! Bella, you can do this. Besides… you owe me." She motions towards the empty lunchroom. "I'll sit there every day if I have to. Please, please, please."

"I don't know Jess…"

Cupping her hands together in a prayer position she leans her body forward, grinning. "Is that a yes…?"

"I didn't say that."

"But you didn't say no," she tips onto her toes.

"No…, but-"

"That's a yes!" She squeaks, bouncing. "Oh thank you Bella, thank you, thank you!" She sucks me into a bear hug so tight that I can't even breathe to tell her I still wasn't sure.

"Okay, meet me after school in the auditorium. Half the seniors in my class snagged spots as directors, the other half are offering their services as actors and set crew. Mrs. O'Malley is assigning people to me so we'll find out who we get then!"

Jess is way too excited about all this, almost uncharacteristically so. But then I realize she'll be directing people and bossing them around while being able to be creative … that actually fits her perfectly.

"Great," I offer, not wanting to squish her moment of bliss.

Later, in the auditorium I end up being the first one there. Not on purpose, but it seems to be my luck, so I linger awkwardly by the stage counting the pillowy tiles on the sound-proofed walls.

"Bella!" Jess trills while skipping down the long aisle. Behind her others start to filter in. Mrs. O'Malley follows in clapping her hands loudly.

"Alright, alright. I have your assigned groups," she lifts a small stack of papers and waves them about. "If you are in need of more talent for your play come see me and we'll talk about setting up some audition times after school. But remember people, you only have two weeks so we can't be picky - this is crunch time!"

Eyes bulging I rip on Jess' arm. "Two weeks!"

"Yeah these have to be done before Thanksgiving," she drones. "It'll be fine, trust me. My play is short and simple. No set design, just dialogue and staging is all we have to work on." Jess smiles, grabbing my hand and pulling me to where everyone is huddled around Mrs. O'Malley.

Her words echo through my head again and panic strikes. "Jessica, this isn't a monologue is it?"

She pauses, giggling at my face. "No Bella, relax."

"Ah, Miss Stanley," O'Malley smiles. "Here's a printed copy of your first draft and who you'll be working with. Is this Isabella?"

"Yes," she replies taking the papers. "And she's _thrilled_ to be here."

I laugh nervously, shrinking away. "Good, good," Mrs. O'Malley beams.

Jess pulls me over to the back of the auditorium, reading over some scrawled notes at the top of her play. I relax a bit, leaning against the wall. She flips a page and huffs loudly. "Shit."

"What?"

"She gave me the only person in the class I was hoping not to have to work with."

"Just one person?"

"Yeah, I told you it'll be simple. Just you and one other."

"Well who is it?" I ask leaning over the papers to see."

"Tall, dark and brooding," she mumbles without looking up, engrossed back in her teacher's notes.

My body goes cold. She couldn't mean … surely I must have misheard her. She must call someone else that and I just didn't realize. Isn't that a general term, couldn't it apply to anyone who was … that way. Oh shit. Shit. Shit. Shit.

"You never told me he was in your class!" My voice, though a whisper, has a shrill edge to it.

She glances up, eyeing me before her gaze slides over my shoulder. "Speak of the devil," she whispers.

I turn just enough to catch his mess of hair, then his face. Behind me, Edward stands, assignment in hand, frozen mid-stride. He looks just as shocked as I feel.

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><p><strong>AN: Dun, dun duuuuun. I feel like making these like the end of the old Batman shows. _Will Bella tell Edward the truth? Will Jasper ever get what's coming to him? Will Jessica give Gilbert a chance?_ haha. No, I won't do that.**

**Again, thank you all so much for the amazing response! It gives me the warm and fuzzies something bad. This was a bit shorter, I have a feeling in an effort to get these out daily this might happen occasionally, but idk, I'm pretty wordy...so. Also, when I said daily I specified _business_ days right? 'Cause I'm contemplating taking the weekends off, or only posting one over the weekend. We'll see, I'm a pretty big pushover. :3**


	6. Chapter 6

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight; all respective characters belong to SMeyer.**

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><p>Tucked under my covers, it's so warm and I'm blissfully submerged in a deep, dreamless sleep but some obnoxious noise keeps blaring in my right ear. With expert speed and precision, my hand shoots out smacking the noise silent - a practiced move. My body melts deeper into the soft mattress, preparing for seven more minutes of sleep.<p>

_Buzz_

That was not seven minutes. One eye creeps open, the sudden bright blast of light making me wince.

_Buzz._

My phone is ringing. _Who the motherfuck is calling me_. Exasperated, and probably a tad melodramatic, I thrust the covers forward and grab the stupid device.

"H'lo?"

"I'm running a few minutes late, but I'll be there in five with coffee."

6:20 in the god damn morning. What bug has crawled up her ass? "Jess, you know I own a coffee maker … and a car right?"

"Yes Isabella."

I sigh, struggling to keep the frown on my face from my voice. "Then what's with the morning wake up calls and rides to school?"

She's quiet for a minute. I begin to regret asking her that when I'd been so thankful for it the day before. I hadn't slept well, tossing and turning most of the night restlessly until I finally passed out around four. I'm not good on no sleep.

"Don't be an ingrate," she finally hums. "Just peel yourself from your cocoon and get dressed."

Well. At least she called me on it, ever honest. "Fine. Bye."

I'm a slug, a veritable lump of human with no desire or drive to move let alone expend the energy to put clothes on my body. It's freezing in my room, so I stare at my dresser willing it to bring me clothes.

No such luck and soon Jess will be trumpeting through my door. I have to get up.

Teeth chattering, I paw through my shirt drawer for something to put on. I pull out a long sleeve black v-neck when Edward's face comes to mind. The thought, completely unbidden, causes me to drop the shirt. He looked so uncomfortable yesterday standing in the auditorium. But not just uncomfortable. As Jess was prattling off instructions and planning out a rehearsal schedule, to which we both just shrugged and let her set whatever timetable, he looked … depressed?

His eyes were glued to the script, not even looking at Jess. We didn't say two words to each other. However, Jess did more than enough talking so the silence wasn't too awkward - at least to the outside persons. I couldn't stop thinking about how soft his fingers were. How warm his hands had been. How I wanted him to look at me again, because the last time we'd made eye contact his expression put a hole in my heart.

"I think they require shirts at school now-a-days B." Jess chuckles, startling me.

"Jesus Jess, knock much?" I press my hand against my racing heart. "And I told you not to call me that."

"What? I've seen you in less than a bra before, relax. Which by the way…," She gestures between my breasts, "…the girls have gotten quite impressive. I've been meaning to tell you."

"Stop checking out my boobs you closet lesbian," I laugh, pulling the black v-neck over my head.

"No, I'm saving my closet lesbian days for college, so be ready _roomie_," she coos suggestively.

My eyes roll. "So. Have they really gotten bigger?" Smoothing out my shirt I turn sideways in the mirror.

"I always told you you'd be a late bloomer," she says in her best Grandma Marie voice.

"Aw. I miss Gran," I muse, running a brush through my tangled mane.

"Remember when we stayed with her for a whole week that summer? What were we, twelve?"

I smile, slipping my jeans onto my hips. "Eleven."

She laughs, placing my coffee on the nightstand. "She was so pissed when we decided to make cookies in the middle of the night."

"She was protective of her kitchen. Besides, you can't blame her, we made a huge mess and broke her flour jar."

"Oh God, remember the carnival?"

"Shenanigans!" We both holler simultaneously as I fall next to her on my bed, laughing.

"I think we counted her saying that like twenty times."

"Thirty two," Jess corrects still laughing. "You girls stop those shenanigans!" She imitates again.

I shrug. "You take a pair of goofy-ass eleven year olds to a carnival you've gotta expect a shenanigan or two."

"We did have a lot of fun on that trip though."

"Yeah, I think she kinda loved us," I reply.

"She loved you, she tolerated me by extension."

"Whatever Jess, I think she actually loved you more!" I joke. Gran always treated us both like her granddaughters. She was the most loving human being I've ever met, always radiating this warmth that made you just want to be around her. Sometimes I wonder if she didn't pass away, if she was still around … maybe my mom would be too.

"Her meatloaf is still the best I've ever tasted in my entire life."

"Ohhhhh gaaawd, her meatloaf. Now I'm hungry." My stomach grumbles in agreement.

"Time to feed the human," she sighs, slapping my knee as she rises.

I grab my jacket and backpack from my desk chair quickly, following her out the door and down the steps. "Oh what, suddenly you're not human?"

"Honey please, you know I don't eat breakfast."

xx

Once Jess leaves me at my locker the good-natured feeling the day began with leaves with her. She's always been great at distracting me, left to my own devices I tend to stew. So as soon as I've pulled out what I need and my brain no longer has a determined task, it goes straight to thinking about Edward and the rehearsal we have this afternoon.

I didn't even read through the play like I was supposed to last night. I just couldn't concentrate enough to do it. I make a mental note to read through it during class.

"What's up Bella?"

"Hey Mike," I look up with a smile. Thankfully he doesn't look nervous like he did the other day, that was just weird.

"Can I carry that for you?" He reaches for my English book. Before I can decline he takes it, I flinch half expecting him to grope my boob. _Relax Bella it's just Mike._

"Thanks."

"So, how are you? We haven't gotten to talk much since the party…"

My face drains. I hide it by looking to my feet, hair falling forward, a curtain between us. What does he want? Details about what happened with Jasper? There's no way in hell I'm making anything up.

"I'm fine… oh shit, I forgot something from my locker," I halt causing him to stutter step. "Thanks, Mike, we'll talk later, okay?"

Grabbing my book from his hands, I don't wait for an answer before I turn on my heel and walk briskly back down the hall. Unfortunately, we hadn't gotten very far before I pulled this move. I'm forced to actually stand at my locker and root through it's contents, so I burry my face there, not wanting to close the door and find Mike waiting for me. The last bell sounds and the halls grow instantly quiet so I know he's gone. I have to book it across the entire length of the building to get to English on time.

I covertly read through the one act during the first half of class, deducing one thing. Jessica Stanley is trying to kill me. Unwittingly, but still. My luck is uncanny because her play is a love story. Of course it's a love story!

It's quite cleverly written actually, and if I didn't have a personal vested interested in it, for reasons unbeknownst to her, I'd probably love it. The whole premise is inside the male character, Sam's, head. His love is on the brink of death and he's gone into a dream and is literally pleading with her soul to stay.

Since the whole thing happens in his dream I play the soul of the girl, Emma. I did snicker at this because Jess has always had a thing for that name. But now I'm staring at a passage I can't believe she wrote in. A kiss. A _kiss_. _Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck_. Why would she do this to me! _Fuck_.

I was happy to read at first that the soul doesn't let him touch her because it's resisting, but at the end the soul gives in and there's this whole epic kiss. It's implied that they will live happily ever after, although you never really do know because it is a dream after all.

Between classes, I scour the halls for Jessica but don't catch her before next period. So I pretend to be sick at the end of Physics and head straight for her art class. The bell rings, students stream out almost immediately, except Jessica. I have to go in to find her arguing with her teacher over a grade.

"Hey Bella," she grunts obviously irritated. "Mr. Stern and I were just discussing changing my grade on this beautiful painting I did." She holds up the small square canvas with artfully swirled reds and oranges covering it, reminding me of an angry sunset.

"Miss Stanley the assignment was to paint an exotic fruit. Even though that is a very nice painting, it isn't what I asked for and I think a B is quite fair." He speaks to her while peering over his half moon glasses, something I know is a Jess pet-peeve.

"It's the essence of a fruit," she deadpans, completely un-joking. She has her hip cocked again so I link my arm in hers and tug.

"Okay, thanks Mr. Stern," I say softly, pulling her backwards.

"Good day ladies," he replies, turning his attention back to the papers on his desk.

"Yeah, thanks for nothing," Jess grumbles under her breath as we leave.

"Jess, you can't argue with teachers like that, it never works. You more than anyone should know this. He'll probably grade you down next assignment just because."

"Or because he's an uneducated oaf with zero taste," she grumbles some more.

"Speaking of taste, I read your play."

"That made no sense."

"I know but I have to talk to you about this and I didn't want to be insensitive. Failed segue, shoot me."

She cracks a smile, rolling her eyes. "What do you need to talk to me about? I hope it's to thank me for casting you in such an amazing role."

"It is amazing," I admit honestly. "But there's one thing."

"Ugh! Not more constructive criticism, please Bella, my poor creative heart can't take it."

"A kiss?" I put my hands out as if to say _there it is_ and _why the fuck_.

She chuckles, nudging me. "Oh, that. I didn't think you'd care what with the big whore you've become and all."

I smack her arm hard, my hand stings, we both wince. "I can't kiss … him," I say suddenly desperate not to talk with Jess about Edward in any capacity. I realize she'll see right through me, and she'll know. If I say his name she'll just know that I … that I what? Have feelings? Is that what this is? I'm not ready to discuss anything Edward related with her yet, whatever _this _is.

"Oooo, Belllaaaa. You mean to tell me you've never fantasized about those pouty, brooding lips?" She purrs, shimming her hips.

My fingernails are suddenly enthralling. "No."

"Aw, I'm just messing with you," she nudges me again. "It won't be bad I promise. It will be closed mouth, and quick. And I tell you what, you don't even have to practice it, okay?"

I look up feeling hopeful. "Really?"

"Yeah, I'm not worried about that part. You guys will just have to sell it the two nights you perform, deal?"

A sigh escapes me, at least I won't have to worry about it for a few weeks then. "Deal," I agree.

"So, are we eating at Barbie's table again today?" She links her arm back in mine walking toward the cafeteria.

"Ugh, I forgot about that," I groan.

Rosalie is indeed waiting to pounce when I walk though the lunchroom doors. Only this time, with Jessica on my arm she pauses, supplying us an aggravated grimace which I think she meant to come off as a smile.

"Your bitch is showing Rosalie," Jess whispers in my ear. I can't help but giggle as we follow her to the table.

Rosalie places me at my seat and then takes her place at the head of the table. My theory of being a trophy for this group is slowly becoming fact. At some point I have to decide how much I'm willing to put up with, but for now sitting at a different table is no skin off my nose.

Like yesterday, she doesn't speak to me, only talks amicably at the group of girls, who listen like she's divulging the secrets to eternal life and beauty. Jess and I mock quietly, keeping to ourselves.

I'm hiding a laugh at Jess' imitation of Lauren's bird-like posture while she eats, when Jasper saunters up to the table, so I don't notice him at first.

"Hey, Sis, I need the car keys."

My head snaps up at his voice.

"What for Jasper?" She spits as if he's insulted her.

"I forgot my pads at home, I gotta grab them before practice - what does it matter, give me the god damn keys," he shoots back.

She huffs, sinking her manicured fingers into her purse (yes, she carries a purse to school,) and pulls out a car key.

"Thanks." He glances up with a wide grin, eyes landing directly on me. "Hey Bella," he winks, turning away smoothly.

An immediate buzz alights the entire table. Rosalie is eyeing me but whatever she's thinking she's guarding it well. Any steam that the rumor had lost was just rekindled with that one small gesture. Asshole. My gaze follows him out of the room, still dumbfounded by the audacity he possesses. Behind me is the sound of a chair scrapping across the floor. Without looking I put my hand out and pull Jessica back to her seat. "No," I whisper.

"I was just gonna kick him in the balls… nothing serious." She grinds through her teeth.

I look at her, supplying a weary smile. "Thank you."

We lock gazes. Her eyes, just a shade lighter than mine remind me of how many times we've been mistaken as sisters. _It's okay_, I mouth. She relaxes a bit in her chair, jaw tightly clamped. She's not saying what she wants to say but I don't know that I really want to hear it either. She's still quiet when we part after lunch and her goodbye is quick. She simply reminds me to meet her after school.

I arrive in the auditorium a little earlier again. I'm antsy so I couldn't very well hang out by my locker. Finding a seat in the back row, I settle in and pull out my Physics homework. It's a breeze since I should probably be in AP Physics, but I didn't feel like dealing with all AP classes my senior year in high school. So I wait. And wait. Check my cell phone. Ten minutes past the time Jess told me to meet her.

Just as I'm about to get up and go find her she walks through the doors in a huff. There's a group that has the stage right now, practicing. Jess' loud entrance causes the girl on stage to trip over her lines. She glares toward the back of the room.

"Where were you?" I whisper.

"Arguing with Edward in the hall," she sighs, dropping into the seat next to me.

"Arguing? Why? Is he not coming?" My heart drops to my feet. Despite my nerves I was actually excited to see him, to have an excuse to talk with him.

"Mr. Brooding doesn't believe the play needs a kiss at the end."

"Oh."

She must have read my face as troubled, which it was, but not for the same reasons she would assume. "Don't worry, I put him in his place. I told him he's not the director and he didn't write the play. I did, so he can suck my dick."

"Jess, you didn't say that did you?"

"No," she chuckles. "Not those exact words, but I told him if he didn't like it he could ask to be reassigned. Which would not bother me in the slightest."

_It would bother me_, I think sadly. My fingers press into my temple. "So he walked?"

"No, he-"

Just then the doors open again, the girl on stage throws her hands up, Edward walks in. My heart lifts, then lodges in my throat, caught by nerves.

"Hey," he says to his feet. I think he's talking to Jess, but I don't care because hearing him speak again is like a gift. "Can we get this started I have practice later," he says still talking to his feet.

_Practice… what does he do that he has to practice? A sport? _I'm immensely curious, becoming instantly consumed by it so I don't hear Jess say we should move to the drama room. When she stands and they begin to leave I snap out of it and follow quickly behind.

The drama room is surprisingly empty. Jess explains most of the groups are practicing at home. Next week we will have assigned time slots to use the auditorium.

"I guess we should start with a quick read through and then we'll talk about the character's motivations." Jess is in director mode. I would normally call this her bossy-pants mode, but she is actually supposed to be directing us so I'll be kind.

She makes us stand, despite the fact that we're only reading, and takes a seat in a chair on the far side of the room. Lifting my script the paper crinkles between my slightly shaking hands. I pray Jess does not notice, or that she thinks it is overall nerves at least. Having the words to read is a great excuse to burry my face, so I do. Edward is still staring at his feet as it is.

"I thought we would be together forever," he says in his silky voice, causing me to drop my hands a bit and stare.

Then I realize he's only reading his first lines, but he's not really reading … he's reciting them. _He's memorized his lines already?_ I don't know why this causes me a mini panic attack but it does.

"You've memorized your lines already?" I blurt without thinking.

He looks up, but his gaze falls on Jess. He doesn't answer, only shrugs.

"I'm impressed Mr. B- Cullen." She smiles. I grimace at her for almost calling him brooding. He supplies her a shy grin. "Go ahead," she motions, looking back to the script to write notes in the margin.

He turns his attention down once again but doesn't say anything.

"Bella, your line," Jess says irritably.

"Oh… ah.." Eyes back on the paper. "I thought we would be too."

"When you told me you were leaving I never believed it. I accepted it, but never truly believed it - deep down I didn't allow myself to."

"Sam, look at me," I say reading it like a question. "You will be fine. I want you to be happy, live your life." I sound like a robot.

"No Emma, you look at me. _Really look_. What you see is a man who's not truly here. I'm a person who is nothing if there is no us… I'm nothing without you." The way Edward executes this line shatters my heart. He starts out angry, the way Sam probably is. Not at Emma, but at what's killing her. But at the end his voice softened to a whisper. He's not just saying the words, he's feeling them - he's acting despite the lack of movement or eye contact.

"No, not nothing. You're everything," I say my next line attempting to put feeling into it. Edward doesn't say his follow-up line so I glance at him. His eyes are locked on me. There is a tug deep down, something in those eyes makes me feel so different then I ever have before.

"Edward…" Jess drones.

He clears his throat, looking away swiftly, padding his pants. "Um…" He retrieves some folded up papers from his back left pocket. The script. "Don't you remember what we said so long ago?"

I shake my head because the script says Emma does.

"That day I came to your Grandmother's house and you told me to leave."

"We had our worst fight ever that day," I say.

"And we said if we were gonna do this thing it was all in. Remember?"

"Yes Sam, but-"

"Then fight!" He shouts, causing me to jump.

"Shit, Edward," I laugh nervously. "Sorry, I wasn't expecting the passion."

This makes him laugh, our eyes mingle again and the smile on his face is like that night. It feels like my heart grows, I beam at him. Then, as if a switch is flipped his face falls, eyes dim. "Your line," he mumbles, burying his own face in the pages.

He doesn't look at me again. We read through the rest of the play which takes about fifteen minutes. Jess says the entire production should only be twenty-five. He keeps his eyes down even when we are discussing the characters afterward.

"I gotta go," he says abruptly as soon as it seems like things are wrapping up.

"Okay, thanks Edward, same time tomorrow?"

"Sure," he replies, sliding out the door without another word.

Jess looks at me with wide eyes. "WOW."

"What?" I ask, equipping an oblivious veneer.

"He was amazing!" She exclaims with a huge smile.

"Yeah, I was definitely surprised."

"We cannot let that one get away," she chortles with a snort, motioning her thumb toward the door.

"No. We really can't," I murmur, that melancholy feeling left by my dream the day before returning.

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><p><strong>AN: Sorry for no update yesterday. I had the best of intentions but my day was crazy. Thanks for reading and all the reviews! I'll try and find some time to reply to them each, but know they mean so much! I love all your thoughts, so gimmie gimmie! ;) xx**


	7. Chapter 7

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight; all the respective characters belong to SMeyer.**

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><p>"How do you expect to sell these lines if you won't even look at her?" Jess groans, smacking her hands against her thighs in frustration. I look at the floor, the lighting rig, anyplace but where Edward is standing four feet away, my cheeks burning.<p>

It's been a week since our initial rehearsal, and she just pointed out the one very obvious problem with the play. We don't make eye contact. We spent Thursday and Friday of last week reading through the lines again, getting comfortable with them.

By Monday Jess wanted it all memorized. Edward, of course, had no problem with that, but I had a harder time. It is next to impossible to concentrate on what I am supposed to be saying next when such beautiful things are coming out of his mouth. In that voice.

"Please, guys, this has to be amazing. Emote!" She barks. I give her a look that says 'take it down a notch', but I don't think it even breaks through the frenzied _the show must go on_ head-space that she's in. "Again please, and for god sake Edward, loook at the girl."

He picks up where she cut him off. "Please Emm-,"

"Stop. Stop." Stomping up onto the stage, Jess strides over to him clamping her hands down on his shoulders. She has to reach up to do so, and if I weren't terrified of what she is about to do I'd laugh.

"Edward," she breaths in slowly, calming her nerves. He looks stunned, eyes wide. "Don't look at her, look at me." He obeys, though he is already looking at her - anywhere but at me.

"I want you to get out of your head for a minute. Just a second. Forget everything, forget that this is a play, that you are here in this high school and just think. This-" She points to me. "…is not Bella. This is Emma. And you are not Edward you are Sam."

Releasing his shoulders, she walks over to me and grabs my arm, pulling my forward so that Edward and I are toe to toe. "Look at her face. You have loved this face for _ten_ years. Can you imagine that? Loving something for years and feeling like it's part of you?"

His face softens, eyes unfocusing then refocusing. It's like she's reprogramming him because suddenly he's looking so deep into my eyes I lean forward unconsciously. "Now that's being threatened," she says gravely. He frowns, the space between his eyebrows wrinkling. It's adorable so I can't help smiling. "This is your one chance to fight for it. I want you to feel that and use it, okay?"

"Yeah, okay," he replies, this calm determination settling over him.

He steps back taking a deep breath as if to re-set. When he looks up those green eyes bore into mine again, a fierce intensity there. "Please Emma," he begins, his voice wavering on the name.

"I, I'm just so tired Sam," I answer my voice soft and detached. At this point in the play the soul is pulling away, trying to leave the dream. It's the pinnacle - make it or break it time.

"Bella, when you say that turn away slightly, it works with the next line and I think will really express the disconnection," Jess throws in. "Try that, start with Edward again."

He nods, re-setting once more. "Please Emma."

"I, I'm just so tired Sam," I turn slightly.

"Don't," he starts, taking a step in my direction. Reaching out he pauses with a conflicted, pained expression before dropping his hand. A thrill runs through me at how perfect it is because we hadn't talked about it and he's using the fact that Sam can't touch Emma's soul. "Don't turn away from me."

"We had our time Sam…"

"But it wasn't enough!" He bellows, I flinch but it works so we keep going.

"It has to be," turning back, I force eye contact. My stomach flips with a nervous mixture of butterflies and yearning. "You have to let me go." He takes a step closer and my breathing catches as he does because his lashes are brimmed with tears. His face heartbreaking.

"If that's what you want then I will. You know I could never deny you anything," his voice wanes again. "But I need to know why. Why it wasn't enough - what I did wrong."

He sounds so convincing and full of conviction that I'm lost in the moment. I step forward, lift my fingers slightly but drop them quickly. "You did nothing. You were perfect."

"Then what Emma? Why weren't we enough to fight for?"

"Life doesn't work this way," I shout. "You can't just snap your fingers and make me all better!"

The tension between us is so thick the atmosphere suffocates my skin. It's a different kind of bubble we find ourselves in now, but it is electrifying and I fell energized by it. So when the auditorium doors open loudly, bursting it, I groan. Suddenly I understand the girl last week.

"Hey Jess, I think we're up." It's Gilbert. He's directing his own one act with a much larger cast. "Sorry, don't want to rush you but we got Cindy coming in behind us so…"

Jess sighs, though I detect a bit of whimsy in there. "No problem Gil, we're just wrapping up."

"Thanks!" He smiles, opening both sets of doors so his group can file in.

Jess climbs the stage to speak with us for a minute. I grin at her, a goofy school girl smile. "_Gil?_" I chime, unable to hold back a giggle.

She levels me a death stare, but the corner of her lip curls just a bit. Ha!

"You guys that was amazeballs. Seriously. I don't even have one thing to tell you to change. Keep it up and we're gonna dominate this thing." She pokes Edward in the ribs. I'm insanely jealous when he grabs her finger and chuckles. Not just for the physical contact but the boyish grin he's supplying her makes me melt into a puddle of goo. Jess appears totally immune.

I roll my eyes hard. "You know this isn't a competition, right?"

She smirks. "Yeah it's not a competition Bella, but you don't think someone's keeping score? Please, we got this in the bag." She is entirely giddy, spinning quickly to skip down the stage steps.

Edward and I are left standing awkwardly. He's not making his usual quick exit, and my feet are strongly rooted to their spot. "You, ah… you did amazing," I offer, looking at the collar of his shirt.

He lets out a soft, embarrassed laugh. "No, you're amazing."

_You're not you were … did he mean to say it that way?_ I can't stand it, my eyes meet his and the feeling of coming home saturates through me. I sigh, barely a breath. "Edward I wanted to, um…" Fingers gripping the back of my neck, I scrape my toe lightly across the wooden stage. I have no clue what I'm trying to say. I want to tell him the rumor isn't true. Ask him why he avoided me, even if it was true. "I wanted to talk to you I guess."

His brows flinch into a quick frown before he smoothes them out. "Oh?"

"Yes, but …" The room has gotten very loud with all the people preparing to rehearse. It's impossible to think straight. "Can we get outta here? Go somewhere we can talk?"

"I can walk you to your car?" He offers.

"Okay."

We walk quietly, me dreading the can of worms I've opened, him probably just dreading talking to me in general. Once we reach my car I can't decide how to begin.

"I wanted to talk actually, so I'm glad you asked," he interjects, saving me. I look up questioningly. "I wanted to apologize."

My heart soars. So it wasn't my imagination, all the avoidance and gloomy looks. "Apologize?" I play it cool.

"Yeah, I-"

"Bella, hey I've been looking for you!"

What. No, no, it couldn't be. The person standing behind me, interrupting Edward who was about to profess his undying love for me - or whatever - could not be who it sounds like. By the look on Edward's face it must be. I turn my head and there he stands.

"Jasper?" I say in question, because I want to know what the hell he is doing.

"You're hard to track down." He quirks that cocky grin. "Hey, uh… Edward is it?"

Edward nods, his features becoming icy.

"Thanks for taking care of my girl…" His arm slides across my shoulders, I freeze in utter shock. Edward doesn't notice my face, he's too busy staring Jasper down. "You mind if I steel her away?"

"Go right ahead," Edward says coldly, his glance flickering to me, that despondent expression back in his eyes. He walks away and I am still utterly shocked.

"What the fuck was that Jasper?" I growl.

He shrugs dropping his arm. "That creep was all over you, I was saving you."

"Saving me! Saving me!" I shout, blown away by this boy's logic. My teeth grind together, I take a step towards him. "I don't know if maybe you've been sacked one too many times, but you have a major issue with your deductive reasoning."

"With my what?"

"Just stay the hell away from me."

His expression drops, he leans in further until our noses almost touch. "You better be careful Bella. What will people think if they find out you just sleep around with no strings attached? Most people would call that a _slut_," he hisses.

My fist balls at my side, eyes narrow.

He smirks. "What would Chief Swan think about his daughter, the slut? I've been nice enough to let people assume there's something going on between you and I, so you didn't have to worry about that. But I know a couple guys on the football team who said you were pretty good in the sack. I don't know, maybe we'll compare notes and … gee… who knows? Shit like that always seems to just get around somehow."

For the second time in my life I'm being threatened by Jasper Hale. I have never wanted to murder someone so badly. The rage inside of me is so fierce I can't move for fear of striking out.

"Just watch hanging out with guys like Cullen. I saw him eyeing you during that stupid ass rehearsal. I don't care for it much."

With that he walks away. He was there for my rehearsal? He's been watching me. Tears sting my eyes. When Edward used to watch me I never once worried about it, it seemed normal, but Jasper's side-ways confession is completely creepy.

It takes a long moment before I release the breath I'd been holding. My hand braces against the door of my car, my fingers shake chattering against the cold metal. This has gone well beyond a simple lie. My stomach is balled in knots. I work the car door open, sliding into the driver seat as tears fall freely.

Jasper Hale is ruining my life. And it no longer seems as if it's for self-preservation reasons. _What is his problem? Why me? _ My brain if a flurry of unanswerable questions. I think about the start of everything again. How in reality he wronged me - he physically pushed past my boundaries and sexually assaulted me.

Then he lied, made a fool out of me. He says he's been nice by letting people think there's something more? The thought of anything romantic with that boy makes me sick. He's done me no favors there. And what did he say that day on the field? I'd gain _marginal_ popularity? By that he meant I'd gain attention from the male population of Forks High and daily gropes from Todd, who finds some reason to "bump" into me or "brush" past me every day, to the point where I almost don't notice anymore.

Then there's the female attention which breaks down into two categories. Keeping an eye on me, and showing me off. I still haven't decided where Rosalie falls in that, but every time I look at her the expression 'keep your friends close and your enemies closer' comes to mind. _All these wonderful fucking door prizes Jasper!_ I should be at his feet kissing the ground that he walks on for how he's changed my life! _Or murder, there's always murder._ I think morosely.

I can't know why Jasper is doing this to me, but of one thing I'm absolutely certain - I need a plan. On the drive home I debate calling Jess and filling her in, but think better of it when I remember how much she already hates him. Only by the time I actually reach my house I'm so pissed off I can't see straight. So I call, telling myself I'll give her the cliff notes, not all the dirty details.

"I have a plan," she spits. "Castration. I'll hold him down and you Lorena Bobbitt him."

"Jess, we can't do that - I'm not going to jail over him."

"There's not a jury in the world that would convict you once they've heard what he's done," she states matter-of-factly.

"No, we still can't do that. But feel free to let your imagination run ramped, it'll make me feel better."

"Did you ask him what the fuck his problem is? Did you say the words Why. Are. You. In. My. Life. You. Creaton?"

"I didn't so much speak as fume and stand there generally aghast by the whole thing."

"I love you because you use words like aghast," she says with a smile in her voice.

"I think I should talk to him though. I mean, he seemed totally normal that night, like a real human being and everything. He's bound to have compassion hidden somewhere. Maybe if I reason with him…"

"Well, it was Halloween, maybe when you kissed aliens invaded his body and this is the beginning of their plan for world domination."

"Somehow I doubt I'm the key to world domination, Jess."

"Don't under estimate yourself Isabella."

My alarm clock reads 8:45 in bold, red numbers. We've been talking for over an hour about this. I'm drained from it. I close my eyes, deciding if I'm going to talk to him I should do it sooner rather than later.

"Hey Jess, I'm gonna go, I'll talk to you tomorrow?"

"Yeah, okay, night Bella."

I jump up from my bed as I disconnect the call. Car keys in hand, I pause at the living room long enough to tell my dad I have to run to the store for feminine products.

"Go, go," he squints making a face that says he doesn't want to hear that, before turning back to the football game on TV.

The drive to Jasper's house is short. I get there in under five minutes. Ringing the bell I still feel good about being here. Even when his mom answers the door all smiles and I ask kindly to speak with him I'm steady in my conviction. Surprisingly, she takes me up to his room, something I wouldn't expect from a mother of teenagers, especially since this is the first time we're meeting. Then again the Hales are a different species altogether, I'm learning not to even try and attempt making sense of them.

"Bella?" He glances up from a book (shockingly, I expected video games,) when I step through the bedroom door. His mother shuts it behind me. Again, odd. He looks genuinely caught-off guard and slightly embarrassed. Like on Halloween night, when his defenses are down he looks extremely young and vulnerable. I almost feel bad for him and his black soul.

"We need to talk," I say firmly but as the words leave my mouth, my convictions melt away with them. What am I doing here? And now I'm closed in the room with him… I'm starting to feel like a trapped rat, just wanting out. I edge toward the door subconsciously.

"Okay, have a seat," he smiles. It's anything but his normal cocky grin, and he pats the space next to him on his bed. I'm so confused by him at this point.

"I'm okay, thanks. I just wanted to say that I don't appreciate your little display in the parking lot this afternoon."

His eyebrows go up. "You don't." He challenges, his demeanor still somehow oddly soft. He's looking at me as if he actually cares what I'm saying. "No," he sighs. "I suppose you don't, that was rather rude of me."

_What._

His eyes drop to his hands, he's considering for a moment … what I'm not sure. "Bella, I am sorry about all this, I wish you could understand…" He trails. When he looks at me again his caramel eyes look sad, lost. He rises, steps toward me, his hand moving as if to touch my face. I flinch away reflexively so he drops it away. "I really am."

"I don't understand you Jasper, you're acting like you don't have any control over this-"

"I trying to fix it," he says quickly, raising his voice. "It's all fucked up and I'm doing my best to control it, don't you get it?"

"No," I say softly, taking a step back.

"I really liked you." He tries.

Shaking my head, I frown. "Jasper, I don't know what you're saying. You're not making any sense. Can't you just stop this? Just leave me alone."

The softness in his eyes shifts in an instant, like watching lava cool to molten rock, they're suddenly hard. "No, I can't do that. How do I know you won't go blabbing your mouth?"

All the anger from earlier in the day rushes back, boiling up with all the rage against all he's done to me. "That would just be the chance you have to take. You did this to yourself."

His expression falters for a fraction of a second before he shakes his head no.

"You know what?" I grind out, nails digging into my palms. I've probably drawn blood, but I could care less. "It doesn't even matter anymore." Out of nowhere a calming resolve washes over me as I realize my own words. I smile at him. "I don't care what you say about me, spread all the rumors you want Jasper. Just know in the end that you're the loser. That I feel sorry for you. What hell it must be to live inside your head." I straighten my spine feeling ten feet tall.

His face is fiery with anger but I continue. "Do what you have to, and in your heart know that you can't touch me. You can't _really_ hurt me Jasper, because in the end I don't give a fuck, I just don't care."

"This is about that asshole isn't it?" He shoots accusingly.

I gawk at him. "What does that even matter?"

His jaw sets, I can see the wheels turning in his head. "You may not care about what people think of you Bella, but do you care about him?"

My face gives me away before I can answer. It's his turn to smile. "I still don't know why this has anything to do with him. What are you going to spread rumors about Edward now?"

"No, Bella," he laughs. "What do you take me for? Though it would be a shame if Edward got hurt …"

I know immediately he doesn't mean Edward's feelings. I roll my eyes despite the rapid panic rising inside me. Jasper is unstable at best, I have no clue what threats he'll make good on. "If you're talking about getting your football buddies to beat him up, I'm not really worried about that," I bluff.

His grin turns absolutely evil reminding me instantly of the Grinch. He turns away, gliding to his bed smoothly and dropping down. "Bella, do you know what kind of attorney my father is?"

I hesitate, because I thought I knew but suddenly I'm not so sure. When I don't answer he takes it as a no.

"He's a defense attorney Bella. And he deals with some really nasty, dangerous people. People who owe him … in more ways than just monetarily."

My face drains, my hands begin to shake. I'm suddenly terrified of Jasper. Not just because of his words, but because of his face. He looks positively psychotic right now. I don't doubt for a minute that he's one hundred percent serious.

Standing again, he takes four wide steps to cross the room and stops with our bodies almost touching. I'm pressed against his bedroom door, hand bent behind my back grasping tightly to the door handle. I pray the door opens out because I wasn't paying attention when I got here.

His eyes appraise my face slowly, a flicker of the gentle Jasper showing. "I think you get it now," he says softly. His hand lifts this time running tenderly through a loose tendril against my temple.

"Why are you doing this Jasper?" I whimper.

His arm slinks around my back, his fingers rough through my cotton shirt. Pressing his lips to my check he places a firm kiss there, his hand cupping around mine before he turns the knob. The door swings open causing me to falter backward a step.

"Have a nice evening Bella," he coos.

I stare for a moment but can feel tears welling so I retreat before he has the satisfaction of seeing me cry. That is one thing he will not get.

When I get home, my bed is a sanctuary. I smash my face into a pillow and cry, mourning the life that is no longer mine. It's Jasper's until I leave this town. And I cry for Edward who I'll never have the chance to really know. I can't know him. Jasper made it perfectly clear that if I don't play along he would hurt Edward. I swallow thickly against a new bout of tears. _Oh God, did he mean kill? _Surely not. Only I'm not really all that sure.

I don't understand why he would do this. If he were jealous - if we had been dating for a long time I might understand in some capacity. But Jasper holds no claim to me. _Why me?_ I think over and over, letting everything go with heavy sobs.

Some time later I get up, my hair soaked from tears and stuck to my cheek so I decide to take a shower. When I grab my robe from its spot in the corner of my room I uncover something that gives me the slightest bit of hope, and also an idea. Jasper's letterman jacket.

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><p><strong>AN: I struggled to write this chapter because I kept wanting to put in an anvil falling on Jasper's head - so hate is understandable. Vent to meh pliss, I need to rage too! xx**


	8. Chapter 8

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight; all respective characters belong to SMeyer.**

**A/N: I don't normally do this, but part of this chapter will just be better, so take a minute - ****http:/youtu(dot)be/WbN0nX61rIs**** listen to this song if you want the full ****effect. ^_^**

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><p><em>And I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't<br>So here's to drinks in the dark at the end of my road  
>And I'm ready to suffer and I'm ready to hope<br>It's a shot in the dark and right at my throat  
>Cause looking for heaven, for the devil in me<br>Looking for heaven, for the devil in me  
>Well what the hell I'm gonna let it happen to me<em>

_-Shake it Out, Florence and The Machines_

Morning comes, a murky daylight breaking through my window casting shadows above my bed. I'm up and dressed in no time, but before I go I need to give Jess a warning call. The phone trills melodically in my ear four times before she answers.

"Why are you calling me at this ungodly hour?"

Now there's the morning grouch I've come to know and love. "Good morning to you too," I deadpan. "Wasn't it you who stood in my room this early just last week acting like sunshine was shooting out of your ass?"

"I was being a good friend. Fuck you."

"So … I was calling to give you a heads up that I'm going to do something kind of crazy today."

"I like the sound of that. How can I get in on this?"

"You're not. Just promise me you won't freak, and you'll go with it no matter what."

"Bella…"

"Just trust me… please?"

"What are you going to do?"

"Something for the greater good, keep that in mind."

"Gah, tell me Bella, this is driving me nuts!"

"No."

"Why?"

"Because if I tell you you'll try and talk me out of it."

The line is quiet for a beat before she sighs heavily. "Okay, I trust you."

Breaking the land speed record for shoveling cereal into my face, I eat breakfast as quickly as I can. My dad floats through the kitchen, pouring his morning cup of coffee like normal but stops short at the door. "What's this?" He croons, pulling Jasper's jacket out from where it's folded in a chair beneath my backpack.

The spoon between my fingers clatters loudly into my bowl. "Oh, I'm returning it."

He lifts a skeptical brow. "Why were you borrowing it?"

_Think Bella think. _It's no use, my aptitude for lying, especially when it comes to my father, is nonexistent. "The play!" I blurt the second it comes to mind. Both his brows raise in question. "We borrowed it for a costume but it didn't fit so I have to return it today."

Charlie lifts the jacket, inspecting it like the cop that he is. "You thought this would fit you?"

"Not me, um … Edward."

Two fingers comb through his mustache, it's his thinking move. "Well, that's too bad. I was hoping you had some secret boyfriend. One that likes sports," he grins slumping the jacket over the back of the chair. Twinkling eyes show off his playful side. He has always had the best smiling eyes.

"Alas," I sigh melodramatically, placing the back of my hand to my forehead. "No gentlemen suitors have come a'calling. I know you were so hoping for a hunting partner but it looks like you'll have to manage alone these winter months, sorry Pa."

"I was thinking we'd go vegetarian," he quips.

This makes me laugh because my dad going vegetarian would be a sight to see. "I don't think you would last one day eating garden burgers," I snort.

With a scrunch of his nose his mustache twists sideways making him look more like a cartoon character than anything else. "Yeah, you're probably right. Speaking of which … I was hoping we could have lasagna for dinner tonight."

"You mean you were hoping I'd make lasagna?"

"Maybe," he smiles sheepishly.

"Okay. But it'll cost you."

"Hm… what kinda damage are we talkin?"

I consider for a second. "A girl's trip to Port Angeles?"

He frowns a real frown. "Bells, you know I don't like you driving that far alone."

Eyes are rolled appropriately. "Dad, I'm eighteen and will be much farther than an hour away next year. Besides, I will have Jess with me, I won't be alone."

"I know, but you won't be driving in possible icy conditions, you'll just _be_ that far away. And Jess being with you only makes me more nervous. Why don't you let me drop you off? I'll stay out of your hair, I promise."

He wasn't always this overprotective, but I've grown used to it in the past few years. I suppose I understand his reasons, so I try not to give him too hard of a time over it. "No way. I'm not being dropped at the mall like a fifteen-year-old… I'll make the lasagna super cheesy," I tempt.

He hesitates. "I don't think so-"

"I'll make breadsticks."

"Fine, but you have to be back in this area before dark," he caves. With a glance at his watch he downs the rest of his coffee. "I'll see you later Bells, I'm late now - didn't plan for early morning negotiations."

"Goodbye Father."

I hadn't planned for early morning negotiations either, and now I'm running late too. Not actually late, just later than I'd planned to be at school. I wanted to be there earlier so I was sure Jasper was around. Grabbing the jacket and my bag, I rush off to school.

In the parking lot I take deep, slow breaths. Placing my ear buds in, I scroll through to find the song I know will help settle my nerves.

_Regrets collect like old friends…_

Students gather by the main front steps like every morning. I know I'll see him there.

_Here to relive your darkest moments…_

In my rearview I can see the spot perfectly. It's not long before Ben strolls up, Jasper at his side.

_Every demon wants his pound of flesh, but I like to keep some things to myself…_

Sucking in a lump of air, I wait for the song to really kick in.

_It's always darkest before the dawn…_

The beat hits as I shut my door stepping out into the lot. Before I've even taken a step I can feel the heavy weight of eyes on me. I can't hear anything outside of Florence but I see mouths moving, sideways glances in my direction. A light smile curls my lips. This is my favorite part.

_Shake it out shake it out. Shake it out shake it out. Oh whoa. And it's hard to dance with the devil on your back so shake him off._

The fabric on my arms feels heavy and strange as I move. Hugging the jacket tighter around my body, I'm sure to keep my head up.

_And I am done with my graceless heart. So tonight I'm gonna cut it out and then restart._

I pass Jasper, catching his expression from the corner of my eye and it's worth every second of this spot-lit walk.

"Oh my god you are insane?" Jess catches up to me. "This was your idea? How the hell is _this_ getting back at Jasper?"

I gnaw the inside of my lip realizing my one flaw - Jess doesn't know the full story. "I have a feeling he won't appreciate this very much," I reply keeping it vague.

"I don't get it," she huffs leaning against a locker as I open mine with a shrug.

"He wants to play pretend I figured why not go all out."

"So you're wearing his jacket so what - people will think you're an item? "

Frustrated, I shut my locker shoving my hands into the coat's deep pockets. "More or less." What I'd like to tell her is that if Jasper thinks he can so freely control my life then he's going to get more than he bargained for.

"Why this sudden stunt? Did something else happen?"

"I'm just tired of it all. That creep Todd tries to grope me every day and all the whispers and fake smiles, I'm just sick of it." I spout a half-truthful response.

"He what?" She fumes. "That little shit, we'll have to have a little chat, Todd and I."

"He's a desperate troll, he's not worth your time Jess. Really."

"Yeah, maybe. Anyway, I don't see how this is going to help any of that."

"Just give it a chance, you'll see."

To Jess' credit she backs off, allowing me to sink or swim on my own. All I need is an opportunity to plant a seed and this will all be worth it. At lunch, I'm still wearing Jasper's jacket, even with the beads of sweat accumulating at the nape of my neck I refuse to take it off, not now that I've come this far. As of yet, no one has had the balls to ask me anything, even though I know everyone is talking. That much I achieved.

Rosalie has been babbling almost nonstop, all the while avoiding eye contact with me completely. This is highly interesting because with her cut-you-to-the-quick bitch act I'd think she would be the first one to call me out on wearing her brother's jacket. Yet she ignores it as if I'm not even here. It makes me wonder if she knows.

She collects her number two in ranks, Lauren, and heads off to the bathroom halfway through lunch. I'm curious if she's going to bitch about me because she almost never leaves her throne during lunch. As soon as she's gone Amanda, a sophomore trainee, leans forward and beams at me brightly.

"So Bella, you and Jasper are like serious now?"

A cascade of light from heaven bathes the dear girl for pitching me the softest pitch ever. It couldn't have been better had I paid her to ask me because then obviously the entire table leans toward me to hear my response. _Thank you, Amanda._

Relaxing my facial muscles so that I don't smile too big, I put a semi-bored expression on. "Um, not really, I don't know …"

Frowns all around to compliment their confusion. "But he gave you his letter jacket…?" She asks.

I shrug, snapping a baby carrot in half with my teeth. Jessica coughs to cover a laugh, her foot smashing my toes under the table. "Yeah," I sigh. Leaning in so all girls mimic me. "He …um, you guys can't repeat this …" They all shake their heads no, eager eyes waiting.

Supplying them a warm smile and nod. "Good, I trust you girls," I lie. "Well, Jasper did give me his jacket because he asked if we could be exclusive. I didn't really want to but I took it because I didn't want to hurt his feelings. I mean, he practically begged me. I felt just awful." I brace my hand against my heart to show just how awful.

"Aw, you poor thing," Amanda coos. "Jasper does seem like a sensitive soul, it's so nice of you to not crush him. I think he really likes you Bella," she smiles.

Inhaling a piece of carrot that launches me into a coughing fit, Jess slaps my back with too much force - probably on purpose. "Thanks Amanda, I figured what's the harm in giving him a chance … we'll see."

Later outside the lunchroom I'm accosted by Jessica. "You're making him look desperate you brilliant whore." She smirks.

"Sort of, I mean it kind of came off that way, I didn't mean to make it seem so much so," I muse.

"I told you that you were an amazing actress," she jeers.

For the first time since I thought of this plan I think of Edward. Suddenly the jacket feels like lead, I want it off but when I start to shrug out of it Jess stops me.

"What are you doing? Those girls who you just spoon-fed that bullshit to are going to assume you told Jasper you didn't want to be his girlfriend anymore."

"People are such idiots," I grunt, slipping it back on.

"Mhm." She eyes me. "Have you even talked to him yet?"

"No, but he saw me this morning, he knows."

"Well, I want to know everything he says."

"I could wear a wire if you preferred…"

"Ha. Ha. Oh! That reminds me, we need to meet an hour and a half before the show tonight to go over the staging one more time, okay?"

"Okay." At the mention of tonight's show my stomach rolls. With happy claps she turns hopping away.

A quick stop at my locker and I'm headed to my last class. Too wrapped up in my nerves over this evening I'm distracted and run smack into Todd. He smirks, scooping my backpack off the floor and handing it to me.

"Bella, how goes it?"

"Fine," I mumble, trying to skirt around him. He grabs my arm lightly.

"Hey wait, you got something here." Reaching over he presses two fingers to my shirt against my breast as if he were picking lint off, only they linger. The nerve, even when I'm wearing Jasper's jacket.

"Stop touching me," I snap softly.

"Oh sorry, stubborn spot," he chuckles low, flattening his fingers and brushing the fabric.

I open my mouth to call him a vile name when a hand comes out of nowhere, grabbing Todd's. I stare at the joined hands, watching the bigger one squeeze until Todd's fingers turn white.

"She said to stop touching her." The voice is low and menacing. My head snaps up to its direction, shocked.

"Whoa dude, it's cool. It's cool."

Yanking Todd forward, my savior bares his teeth subtly. "No, not cool," he spits. "And if I see you near her again next time I'll break every bone in your hand."

Todd doesn't say another word instead he scurries away, cursing under his breath.

Stunned, I blink up at him. "Th-thanks."

"Yeah, no problem," he mutters turning away.

"Edward, wait-"

His shoulders hunch when I say his name, feet hovering like he's ready to bolt at any second.

I'm not sure what I want to say, I just didn't want him to leave. Then I remember the jacket, his expression when he turns reminding me, his gaze goes right to it.

"Um, Jess said we have to meet an hour and a half before the show tonight," I offer lamely.

"I know she got me in the hall earlier. See you tonight."

School is over and I'm muttering to myself as I walk out to my car. The day, though starting off well, went to shit real fast. Jasper never said anything to me and I have no clue whether or not the conversation with the girls at lunch did anything in my favor. I'd hid in a bathroom after class, waiting for the school to clear out because I was tired of people whispering. So it's a complete surprise when I look across an empty lot to where my car is, and Jasper is leaning against it.

My feet falter but I force them forward. _This is what I wanted_, I remind myself.

"Jasper, what's up?" I put on my most innocent voice.

I'm a few feet away before I can really make out his expression. He is pissed. "What the hell are you doing Bella?"

My face drops, that familiar anger that always seems to be there when I'm in his presence simmering. "Why, I'm not sure I know what you're talking about."

"This," he spits, grapping the cuff of his jacket.

I frown. "I don't understand, first you want me all to yourself, so I make this grand gesture and now you're mad? Wow Jasper, your mood swings are giving me whiplash."

"I never said I wanted you," he bites back.

"You didn't? Oh that's right you just want some sadistic puppet control over me!" I'm yelling now, uncaring of who hears.

He pinches the bridge of his nose. "I said I _liked_ you." He sighs.

I glower at him. "What does that even mean? What, is this a game to you?"

He leans in, dropping his voice. "It means I like you, and I don't like you hanging around that Cullen kid. You call this a game - well I don't lose. Ever. You wanna play pretend? Fine." His features shift abruptly, a wicked smile adorning his mouth. "I kind of like the idea - our relationship going to the next level."

I want to laugh in his face but instead I feel tears. "Let's not be mistaken," I grind through my teeth. "You and I have no relationship."

"Oh, but we do now. You've seen to that Bella, and if anyone catches wind otherwise I hope nothing bad happens. Have you talked to your friend Edward today?"

Swallowing thickly, I take a step back.

"I think he mentioned something about having to run to Port Angeles before the show tonight… I sure hope nothing happens to him."

"Jasper…" a tear slips loose, trailing down my cheek. "What is wrong with you? He's a person, a human being… you can't just decide-"

"Oh, no," he growls, gripping his jacket's collar and yanking me to him. "The decision is entirely up to you. Enjoy the bed you've made with this little stunt you pulled."

Releasing me, he brushes past, headed for his car across the lot. "By the way," he calls over his shoulder. "My jacket looks good on you."

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><p><strong>AN: I do not own Florence or her machines, so all her lyrics are hers to keep. OK. omg. I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry for the cliffy, I hate those but I really wanted get this up "today"(twss). It's today somewhere still right? On the west coast, ha! Anyway, I will be posting tomorrow for sure. I also wanted to give a small side note. It was brought to my attention that some of you might be worried with how scary crazy Jasper is. He's unstable, yes. However, I'll go ahead and spoil it by saying there will be no rape or serious injury to Bella. So if you're worried about that happening, my promises, it won't. That's not to say Jasper's gonna suddenly be all unicorns and roses to her, so keep hatin. One last side note, Iris, I love you always. Thanks for all the reviews you guys are too amazing for words. [sappy hearts] xx **


	9. Chapter 9

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight; all respective characters belong to SMeyer.**

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><p>Slumping into my driver seat I stare numbly at the wheel, barely registering tears on my cheeks. I've never felt so stupid in all my life, to think I could play this game with him and win. I'd only made things worse.<p>

xx

At home, I struggle to keep my head focused, going through the motions like a robot. I put together a raw lasagna and breadsticks with instructions for my dad to throw in the oven later, which ends up taking about an hour so when it's time to get ready I have to rush. I take a short, hot shower allowing the water to scorch my skin. Standing inside the tiny space, face pressed against the cool tile I allow the steam to suffocate me. It's cathartic, in a way, to burn a bad day from your body.

I have my dad's eyes and my mom's face so when I'm having an especially bad day it's hard to look in the mirror. I stare at myself now, forcing the uncomfortable feeling it wells inside me, the indelible sadness. I'll use this tonight.

Jess had supplied me with specific instructions on how to do my hair, along with a dress that I've yet to pull out of the garment bag. I can only hope I don't hate it. I blow-dry my hair, putting in some type of cream Jess had given me to use. I don't even look at the bottle. At this point I didn't care if I ended up on stage with a frizz ball on top of my head. Instead my hair falls not in it's natural wave, but loose, soft curls.

The dress is a light blue, reminding me of ice and cold. Isolation. It's beautiful actually. The hem falls just above my knees. It's strapless with a fitted bodice and a heart-shaped neck line, but the skirt is flowing layers of a gauzy material. It's whimsical, perfect for a soul. The flats she gave me are a light tan color, almost as pale as my skin. She wants it too look like I'm barefoot. They're comfortable when I slip them on so I don't care what they are.

Leaving my face bare as Jess asked, I rub a bit of moisturizer on and grab my keys to go. Pausing by the front door, I rip Jasper's jacket from the hook which I'd placed there out of habit on my automatic walk in earlier. My own jacket and purse in my other hand, I stomp out to the side of the house, throwing the trash can lid open and shoving his jacket deep inside.

I'd lied to my father about it once already, I didn't want him finding it again. I think of his smile this morning, how he'd be so disappointed to know any of what is going on. A small resolve is building inside me to break down and tell him everything. He could protect Edward, right?

On my way to school I wish more than anything that I hadn't decided to get back at Jasper earlier. It's all I can think of. Regret, regret, regret. Jess rings my phone but I let it go to voicemail, I can't talk to her just yet, I need to think of something to tell her - why my plan failed so miserably. _Avoid_, my subconscious whispers. It should be easy enough tonight. I doubt she'll even ask. I can only imagine the frenzied director mode she's in right now. My phone rings again. Jess.

"Jesus," I answer pressing the speakerphone button. "I'm right down the road and I'm only ten minutes late Jess, calm down."

"Have you heard from Edward?"

My heart picks up a beat. "No, why?"

"He's not here either and he's not answering his phone."

My stomach drops. I'd thought about calling him after I left school to check on him but didn't have his number. _It's nothing Bella, it's nothing. He's just running late._

"He's probably just running behind, I'll be there in a second."

"Okay, hurry, I still have to do your makeup and they put the programs out, we're up first."

"First?" I shout into the quiet car the sound ringing in my ears.

She chuckles. "Yes, relax. Just get here so we can run through things once more."

The area behind the stage is cavernous and cold. The missing ceiling, rigging and ropes hanging about make it feel like an entirely different world than our high school. It's dark and utilitarian. Peeking around the curtain I can see a few people filing in to find seating. Glancing at my cell phone I see we still have forty-five minutes before the curtain goes up.

My nerves threaten to swallow me whole. My knees knock together so I brace my hand against the wall. I'm not worried about the people who will be sitting in those seats. Once on stage with the bright lights in my face, I've found it's easy to lose myself, to forget the outside world. Right now I'm terrified on a few different levels. Edward is still missing, and we are supposed to kiss.

Jess is running around like a chicken with her head cut off trying to get a hold of him. I'm standing by uselessly thinking a million and one horrible possibilities for what might be keeping him.

Even if that weren't an issue, if he were standing by my side, I'd be just as terrified for that kiss. We haven't practiced it, basically we've avoided it at all costs and Jess hasn't pushed it, keeping to her promise.

"Oh, my god, there you are!" I hear her yell too loudly. My heart breaks into a sprint, I swirl around to where she's standing to see Edward pulling off his coat. Without thinking I run over to them raking my eyes over him to check for injuries or missing limbs.

"You're okay?" I sigh with a nervous laugh.

He blinks back at me as if I have three heads. "Um, yeah, I'm fine." He hands Jess the jacket and she hands him a brush, flurrying around him as she primps. "I had to go to Port Angeles and got stuck in traffic," he huffs. "And then-"

I'm beyond relieved, my lips split in a wide smile causing him to stop talking.

"Ah, and then I had to drive the whole way home with a busted out window because some douche threw a brick through it."

My face falls. This can't be a coincidence. "Were you in the car when it happened?"

"No, I came out of a store and it was like that, the brick was sitting on my seat."

Tears well in my eyes. "I'm so sorry Edward." I can't help the tremble in my voice.

Jess flutters away, I think she's been talking this entire time but it's been white noise. He glances in her direction before lowering his gaze to mine. "Hey, it's okay Bella. It's not like it was your fault." He whispers softly. He sees the guilt on my face, confused by it.

I force a smile, "Sorry, I'm a little all over the place right now… nervous."

He grins back a playful smile that does something funny to my insides. "We're going to be amazeballs," he quotes Jess. I bark out a laugh, shaking my head attempting to rid it of the emotional rollercoaster I'd just run through.

"We're gonna do great," I offer in return.

Jess is back and she's rattling off a catalog of things for us to remember. Edward leans down to my ear. "Amazeballs," he whispers again out of the side of his mouth. I try not to laugh but fail.

"No! No laughing, you are supposed to be forlorn and melancholy Bella!" Jess barks.

I salute, smoothing out my dress as I straighten my body. "Got it, slipping into depression."

As sad, angry, depressed - you name the negative emotion, I was feeling it - I was on the way here, suddenly I feel absolutely giddy. I need to rein it in or I'm going to ruin Jess' play.

She has us run through a few trouble spots as we wait in the wings, which helps get me into the right head space. Then, five minutes before they are supposed to lift the curtain, Jess leaves us to take her seat in the audience. Edward and I stand side-by-side alone.

In the darkness it's so much like that night on Rosalie's back deck. I can feel the energy between us radiating. He glances down, a small smile on his lips before he looks to the black curtain hanging in front of us. "You look stunning," he says quietly.

I'm staring at the side of his face, lips parted wanting to say something in return. Wanting to grab his hand just inches away. Wanting to be able to do any of that. Wanting.

Mrs. O'Malley's booming voice on the other side of the curtain makes me jump. This is our cue. She'll introduce the show, thank everyone for coming and then it's our time.

"Good luck," Edward says quickly before going to take his spot stage left. I fold my legs beneath me, sitting in the spot on my mark.

"Without further ado, enjoy the Senior One Acts!" Mrs. O'Malley bellows. I imagine her stretching her arms in grand gesture like a ring master. The blackness recedes as the curtains ascend, spotlights washing away the darkness.

A hush falls over the audience, my head turned to the left away from where Edward stands. I can feel him watching me, those eyes a comfortable blanket. He nears and I sense every step closer.

""I thought we would be together forever." His opening line echoes into the auditorium brilliantly, goose bumps cascade down my bare arms.

"I thought we would be too." I say wistfully.

A liberating energy fills me as we continue. Edward is hitting his lines perfectly, his expressions, his tone - everything. In turn, I feel like I'm right there with him. The rest of the world melts away as we play out this fantasy, and for the time being I allow it. I pretend I am Emma's soul and he is Sam. I'm not worried about rumors, or Jasper, or Edward's safety. None of that is real. It's just him fighting for me. Though in the story, Emma is dying, the alternative to my reality - to have Edward fighting to keep me is entirely alluring.

Our bubble crackles with an electricity that runs deeply through me. When it's my time to try and pull away it feels natural from the progression of our dialogue. I do feel tired, just wanting it all to be over. This makes me think of my mother and tears spring to my eyes. When I look into Edward's he trips over a line but somehow makes it work. No one will notice, I do because we've done them so many times

In the beginning our bodies slowly moved toward each other but then I begin to drift away gradually. This is the point where I have to make the decision to stay or to let go.

"If you go I will be dust," Edward delivers the line that always gives me chills. His voice sullen, he's beginning to give up.

I hover by the edge of the curtain, almost off stage, my back to him. Turning my body just so, our eyes lock. "I don't know how…"

His features shift only slightly. He has his glimmer of hope. He closes the distance between us, hands floating above mine, not able to actually touch. "Want it," he pleads willfully.

With our eyes locked the moment feels so very real. I do want it. Without thinking, I press my forehead to his. He leans in closing his eyes, releasing a sigh. "I do," I reply. "I want you forever."

"Then I'm yours," he smiles.

"I'm not strong enough."

Slowly, he laces our fingers - something we hadn't practiced. In fact, we'd not touched once in the entirety of our rehearsals. Avoiding it for more reasons than just the fact that Jess said the two characters couldn't.

His skin against mine almost tickles, I smile reflexively. He smirks in return. "We're strong enough together," he replies the final line of the play.

The moment is unrehearsed, we are supposed to wing this part, and I thought I'd be terrified but I feel calm. My heart beats heavy but even, our eyes dance. Emma's soul chooses to stay, so I have to kiss him and I'm ready. Tipping onto my toes, our noses rub softly just before our lips meet. Warmth spreads through my body.

My right hand unwinds from his, gently threading into his hair. Tilting my head to the side, our lips part to deepen the kiss. His hands grip my waist, holding me close in such a tender manner it both breaks my heart and makes me feel weightless.

I would kiss Edward Cullen for the rest of my life if it always felt like this. Everything has disappeared, nothing matters. Not until the audience roars applause do we regretfully pull apart and I realize the place has gone dark. His green eyes linger on my face, I touch the tips of my fingers to my lips involuntarily.

Turning to the audience, as they flip on a soft spotlight, we link hands and bow. Cheesy grins adorn our mugs. Jess joins us on stage, we step aside for her to accept her share of acclimation. She blushes furiously when Gilbert walks out to hand her a small bouquet of roses.

Once backstage, I pull Jess, who is positively buzzing, aside. "Jess I'm so sorry we screwed up the end… I just got caught up in the moment and wasn't thinking-"

"What!" She shouts, beaming. Edward joins us. She links her arms through both of ours. "You guys were amazing! The energy on stage between you two was palpable. And the end GAH! Bella, the forehead thing was brilliant! Why didn't I think of that before? Emma's giving in, so slowly she allowed physical contact - you are a genius!" She gushes before wrapping us each into a suffocating hug.

I blush. "Well, I wouldn't say that."

We are told to hush by a stagehand dressed in all black. "Gil's play is next, I'm gonna sneak back in to watch," she beams, practically ready to explode.

Winding through the maze of set pieces, we make our way to the side door and into the hallway. I'm humming with adrenaline still, literally bouncing. Edward laughs.

"You okay?"

"Yeah, just a little hyper now."

He appraises me, his smile the most genuine thing in the whole world. "I think we handled the end part pretty well for not having practiced it," he muses.

This makes me stop moving, my cheeks flush. "Yeah, it was … good."

"It was better than good," he replies and I know he's not talking about the acting.

We stand for an awkward moment, unsure what to say next. Personally, I'm just trying not to attack his face with my lips, I'm so pumped right now.

"Oh," he finally says. "I forgot, I have something for you, wait right here."

Furrowing my brows, I watch him slide back through the side door to the stage. When he returns he's holding a small bag. He offers it to me, other hand palming the back of his neck nervously, eyes anywhere but on me. "It's just a little something for opening night, not really anything special."

I stare at him, bag suspended between us. "But I didn't get you anything."

"It's not big deal, really. I saw it tonight while I was in Port Angeles and thought you might like it," he shrugs.

I take the bag from his fingers as a group of guys turn down the hallway. It's Emmett, he calls down the long stretch for Edward.

"Hey! We're about to leave, you coming?"

I blink down the dimly lit hall at him. I knew they knew each other, but didn't think they hung out… Edward waves him off. "Yeah, give me a minute."

Emmett disappears back around the corner, a the other people following when I see Jasper tailing their group. My body goes cold. He stares down the hallway for a beat, straight-faced, before he follows the others.

"Open this later," he says quietly, touching my hand. A silent buzz rumbles against my skin where his fingers touch.

"Okay, but-"

His green eyes soften unbearably, the depth to his expression suddenly endless, pulling me in. "I really want to talk to you Bella. I've wanted to…" he trails.

Jasper is what I think of and I hate him for intruding on this moment. That kiss was magical. Life changing, and we both felt it I can see it in his eyes. I wanted to be thinking about that, not how to tell Edward to stay away.

"Cullen!" Emmett bellows.

"You should go," I urge as much as I hate doing it.

"Just open this when you get home, promise me?"

I nod. "Okay."

I don't hang around to talk with anyone after Edward leaves. The one acts still had an hour and a half worth of show time, so I leave Jess a note in her car and head home. My dad greets me in the kitchen, having only been home for a short time. He's waiting like a dog for his dinner by the stove, practically wagging his tail. He couldn't get off work early today, so he's supposed to come to the show tomorrow.

"How'd it go?"

"Really good actually," I sigh dropping into a chair.

"You look awful pretty," he smiles proudly.

"Thanks Dad."

His mustache bristles into a frown. "You don't sound happy."

"Just tired, guess I'm coming down from the high of being on stage," I try to joke but it's really true. My body feels like it's crashing.

"Sorry I couldn't be there for opening night kiddo," he offers.

"Oh, it's okay Dad, really. You'll see it tomorrow."

"You bet. I'll be the one front row with the shirt that says 'That's my daughter on stage'."

I laugh in spite of the horror the thought strikes within me. "Oh god, please no Dad."

"This should be ready in about twenty minutes," he motions to the stove.

"Oh, I'm really exhausted, I'm probably just going to crash."

"Ok Bells, I'll put the leftovers in the fridge."

"Night Dad," I stand, kissing the top of his head before retreating to my room.

Changing out of the dress, I hang it neatly in my closet. Tomorrow we will have two shows. This was news Jess chose to impart me with this morning between classes. Apparently they sold too many tickets, so we'll be doing a 6:30 and an 8:30. I find myself actually looking forward to it. I had an amazing experience tonight. _Amazeballs_, Edward's voice filters through my mind, I chuckle into my pillow.

Shocked that I'd actually forgotten about his gift, I jump up, grabbing it from my desk where I'd dropped my purse and keys. I snuggle back into bed, reaching into the tissue paper and pulling out a book.

It's an old leather-bound book. The smell alone teleports me to another time. I breathe it in with a smile. It's a book of poems, but not one you'd find at Barnes and Nobel. The contents are an eclectic mix, with some heavy hitters as far as I am concerned. I'm absorbed completely in the words for a long while before I find a bookmarked page. A thin piece of paper sits between the pages toward the back with a note scrawled across neatly. It's from Edward.

I pull out the paper staring at the even script, a simple note. The words behind the note, however, take my breath away.

_There is another sky,  
>Ever serene and fair,<br>And there is another sunshine,  
>Though it be darkness there;<br>Never mind faded forests, Austin,  
>Never mind silent fields -<br>Here is a little forest,  
>Whose leaf is ever green;<br>Here is a brighter garden,  
>Where not a frost has been;<br>In its unfading flowers  
>I hear the bright bee hum:<br>Prithee, my brother,  
>Into my garden come! <em>

I stare at his note again, moisture stinging my eyes.

_This reminds me of you. - Edward_

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><p><strong>AN: The poem is **_**There is Another Sky **_**by Emily Dickenson - I do not own this obvi. ****StS is in the poll this week for TLS's fic of the week, which is just amazing! A HUGE thank you and shout out to Jamie Arkin for 'recing this like the pimp that she is. She is not only an amazing writer, but has magnificent taste in fic, so for her to lend support is like… surreal. Thanks love! (hugs) Anyway, please, please, please (if you think this is worthy) go check out the fics on the list and VOTE!**

**www(dot)tehlemonadestand(dot)blogspot(dot)com **

**Reviews make me so happy, please keep 'em coming. I was thrilled to write more Edward into this chapter, you have no idea. I'd love to hear what you guys think! xx**


	10. Chapter 10

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight; all respective characters belong to SMeyer**

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><p>My limbs feel like jello, completely useless as I lie on my bed. I can't stop staring at the dark ceiling even though my eyes feel so heavy. My lips are still buzzing from tonight, the phantom feeling of Edward's mouth against mine causing uncontrollable smiles.<p>

It was a good night. We pulled off two more performances, each time seemingly better. Except the kiss. As much as I can't stop thinking about his lips on mine, I know that the end of the play was sorely lacking compared to that first night. I was too aware of things to let myself be fully pulled under by the moment. As a result the kiss was lack-luster. The audience didn't know the difference, but I sure did and so did Edward.

I had wondered if he was looking forward to that moment the second time-around as much as I secretly had been, and got my answer when the moment happened. Just before we parted to take our bows, before the lights came back up his expression, just inches from my face, was a lingering question. Disappointment.

One thing I promised myself was that I wouldn't get lost, I couldn't afford to for Edward's sake. I knew that brick was a warning from Jasper and his face that first night - that cold menacing aura he gave off was another. I had no doubt he was in the audience the next two performances. I need to try and talk to him again, reason with him. There is no cause for him to act in this way. If nothing else I need answers.

My phone rings causing me to jump, my heart hammering against my ribs. It's Jess. She and a lot of other kids from the one acts are supposed to be at the Diner celebrating with milkshakes and greasy food. Edward is there. I sigh. I couldn't go; I'd high-tailed it out of the school as soon as I was cleared by Jess to leave, supplying some half-assed excuse about my Dad waiting for me.

"Hello?"

"Bella!" Jess trills, excitement in her voice. She's still riding the high of tonight. I'd come crashing down the moment I got in my car.

"Hey."

"So… guess what?"

"Wha-"

"Gil kissed me!" She all but screams like a giddy twelve-year-old.

My jaw hits my chest, jealousy immediately filling me. "What! How? When?"

"After we were done eating he walked me to my car, which Edward offered to do first by the way - I'm beginning to like that boy Bella, he's a lot different than I assumed, but anyway." At her mention of Edward my stomach flops nervously, an automatic response.

"So Gil offers and he walks me out and he wouldn't stop talking about my play and how amazing it was and I was DYING Bella. Oh my god, I mean the things he was saying were literally swoon worthy. So I'm totally trying not to dry hump the poor guy's leg as he waxes all poetic about _my_ work-"

"Jess, rambling. Get to the kiss," I laugh.

"Oh, right, sorry. So, we say our goodbyes and I go in for a hug, telling him again that I liked his play and he just kind of held me there."

"Aww," I mew without thinking.

"I know right? So then I pull back slowly because - duh - I totally didn't want to pull away, but how awkward would that have been to just hold each other in the parking lot of the diner all night-"

"Rambling!"

"Gah, okay, okay. So I pull back and our cheeks kind of like, I don't know, brushed all slowly and our eyes met and I could just feel that he was gonna do it and then he did! Holy moly Bella, his lips are soft."

"Holy moly?" I laugh at her.

"Yeah, I'll be as sappy, girly as I want right now thankyouverymuch."

"I'm so happy for you Jess, really. I knew you had a thing for 'ol _Gil_," I stress his name.

"I don't know," she gushes. "It's kinda come out of nowhere, but - I think I do."

Rolling my eyes at her obliviousness, I can't help smiling. Happy news is happy, and I'm so very glad for my friend. "Well, how was the rest of your time? Anything juicy happen?" Not that I really cared, but she always loved to spill, and I know she's in one of those moods, so I'll humor her.

"Not really, I wish you had come Bella, everyone was asking about you. People are literally blown away by your performance." I don't miss the air of 'I told you so' in her voice.

"That's okay, I'm better in the literal spotlight, I don't need the after effects, thanks."

"Oh! And the best part, Jasper was there - him and his goons. But you should have seen the bitch face I leveled him. I swear he was shakin in his boots. I'm pretty sure he knows I know the truth." The blood drains from my face when she says this. _That's not good, oh shit oh shit._

"And then there was Rosalie and her flock. You should have seen her Bella, she was all over Edward."

My body snaps forward, all concern over Jasper instantly dissolving. "What do you mean all over him?"

"Well, who _wasn't_? I mean, did you see his performance? He's definitely not my type, so don't get me wrong, but I don't think there was a dry eye in the house, not to mention panties. Mr. Cullen's got himself quite the fan base now."

When Jess said Gill kissed her and I felt jealous it had nothing to do with either of them personally. It had everything to do with the fact that she was able to have such a normal moment and be excited about it. It wasn't really jealousy, not like the fiery feeling licking at my veins now.

"So…" I begin slowly, trying my damnedest not to give myself away. "Rosalie was all over him?"

"Yeah, it was almost comical though. He didn't give her the time of day even though she was practically sitting in his lap. I'm telling you Bella, he's totally different than I thought. You should jump on that since he is obviously in love with you."

My head reels from those four simple words. "Jess," I bark out in a laugh that is too loud. "That's ridiculous."

"Think what you want but I see the way he looks at you… on and _off_ stage. And he kept asking me if you were coming tonight, you should have seen his puppy dog expression, it was heart breaking," she muses whimsically.

"Jess," another awkward laugh. I'm on the brink of either laughing hysterically or crying until I can't breathe, my insides a torrent of mixed emotions.

"What? Don't mind me, I just think you two would be good together - I don't know, I think you guys fit. But I won't say anything else about it."

_Fit. We fit. _Edward's warm hands around mine instantly come to mind.

"But, you know - you'd have to break up with Jasper first," she dead pans.

_Fuck me. _"Shut up, that's not cool."

"Well? What is going on with that? Why do I still hear that you two are together?"

"Um…I don't know." I can't think quickly enough.

"Bella, this is ridiculous. This clown has no power over you. Just tell people the truth and tell Jasper to fuck off. Enough games."

Tears pierce the corners of my eyes, stinging. "I know Jess, but…" My voice gives me away with a whimper.

"Bella? Are you crying? What is it?"

"I-I can't Jess, please." Full-on tears.

"I'm on my way over," she says sternly before the line goes dead.

A piece of me feels tremendous relief. Although Jess knows most of what is going on, the thought of confiding in her the rest takes a weight off of my shoulders. The rest of me feels terrified, not just of the possibility that Jasper could threaten Jess as well, but for her to know the truth and just how serious matters have gotten. Admitting it will be a sharp slap of reality I'm not sure I'm ready to have.

True to her word, she practically barrels through my door five minutes later. Her face softens as soon as she takes in the pathetic lump that is me huddled under my covers.

"That was fast," I drone lifelessly.

She frowns. "I wasn't home yet, your house is on the way." She closes the door behind her with a light click, pushing my shoulder so that I'll make room for her. "So, what's going on?"

The fact that she knows me so well is a blessing and a curse. A blessing, because in moments like these she knows the drill. She lies by my side, eyes straight up so I don't feel pressured, voice gentle and patient. A curse because if I wanted to, there is no way I could lie or deceive her - she'd see right through me in an instant.

Pulling in a large breath I decide my only option is the truth. "Jasper threatened Edward." She doesn't respond though I can feel her body tense next to mine.

"When I tried to … I went to talk to him the day I wore his jacket. He said that because I tried to get back at him publicly I had to … um, pretend that we are dating and if I didn't he'd hurt Edward."

Her lip sneers into an awkward scoff. "What's he going to do spread rumors about him too? Edward doesn't strike me as the type to give a shit Bella. And why Edward?"

I swallow hard. "No, not rumors physically harm him." A tear glides along my cheekbone and into my hair. "He said his dad is a defense attorney and knows a lot of bad people who owe him favors."

"Bella," she begins softly.

"There's something I need to tell you," I whimper.

"Bella, he didn't … when you went to Jasper's house he didn't touch you did he?"

"No! God, no." I shiver at the thought, just now realizing how much of a possibility that could have been. "I just … it's Edward."

She breaks a silent rule, craning her neck to look me in the eyes. "Don't tell me he's threatened you too," she sounds livid.

I shake my head no. "I … I think I like him," I mumble through more stupid tears. "A lot."

She smiles knowingly. "Oh hon I knew that."

"You what?"

"It's so obvious the way you two look at each other. When you're together you always like … gravitate - a look, a lingering touch- it's disgustingly cute by the way."

My heart leaps into my throat, my cheeks blister with heat. I yank the pillow out from under my head to burry my face in it. "Oh God."

"I know you don't want to hear this, because you're a smart girl and you've obviously thought of it already, but you need to tell your dad."

My head shakes furiously, jostling the pillow. "I can't," I said solidly. "Out of the question."

"Why not? Do you really think Jasper is serious, or if he is that he could honestly pull something like that off? He's not in the mafia Bella, Jesus."

"He is completely serious," I groan, pulling the pillow from my face and sitting up. "That brick on opening night? I'm positive that was Jasper."

Her eyes go wide, she sits up, mimicking my posture. "Are you sure? It could have totally been a coincidence."

Shaking my head no again I rake my fingers through my hair frustrated. "No, he told me that day that Edward was going to Port Angeles. He knew somehow that Edward was going to be there. Why would he have said that if not to illustrate a point?"

She gnaws the inside of her lip, considering. "What a fucking coward," she rumbles. "Bella, you have to tell someone. Tell Edward - he deserves to know at the very least."

"I can't do that Jess, I shouldn't even be telling you. I hate this!"

"So what then? You go along pretending to be his … girlfriend? People are going to catch on that you never talk. I just don't get what the hell it is he wants."

"Control, some sick sadistic control over someone he sees as weaker."

She gives me a sympathetic look, rubbing my arm. "You're not weak Bella. Don't let him do that to you."

"I… I don't really have a choice."

The energy in the room is electric with Jess' anger, I can feel it radiating from her. I'm afraid for what she might do. "Promise me you won't do anything?"

"Bella," she hums weakly, a tear breaking through her lashes. "I can't do that. I can't just sit by and watch-"

"You have to," I cut her off too loudly. "Please, just …. I don't know, give me more time. Let me talk to him again. If nothing changes I'll … I'll tell someone."

"When?"

I swallow back another onslaught of tears. My insides feel raw. "Soon."

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><p><strong>AN: Sorry for the short chapter but I wanted to get this up today. Review, let me know your thoughts - I'm no mind reader. :D xx**


	11. Chapter 11

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight; all respective characters belong to SMeyer**

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><p>It's Friday after Thanksgiving and I should be looking forward to a long weekend off but instead I'm standing on Jasper's front porch filled with nothing but dread. A week ago I promised Jess I'd deal with this and I have artfully avoided. This in turn meant avoiding Jess.<p>

It's helped that she's been busy with Gil, spending most of her spare time with him. I'm happy for her, she deserves this, and I like Gil a lot. I even urged her to spend lunch with him even though that means sitting solo at the table of piranhas. I didn't think that would be a huge deal seeing as how I'd been ignored for the most part, but for some reason the lack of Jess' presence has spurred Rosalie to actually interact with me.

Tomorrow Jess and I are supposed to cash in on that girl's trip to Port Angeles so I can avoid no longer. I know she'll ask and I know I need to deal with it, so here I am - dealing.

I ring the bell; it takes only a moment before Jasper himself answers it looking a bit taken a back. His eyes are watery, hair uncharacteristically disheveled and he looks tired. "Bella … what are you doing here?"

Straightening my spine, I clear my throat. "We need to talk."

"Now's not a good time," he tries but I walk in past him anyway.

"It has to be."

Shoulders slumping, he hangs his head slightly before shutting the door and turning. I watch his defeated body language inquisitively.

"And tell me one more thing," a booming voice shoots straight through me making me jump. I spin to find Mr. Hale turning the corner from the living room. He stops when he sees me, stern expression washing over me. His face is hard and cold, intimidating. I shrink back toward the door. Jasper steps in front of me.

"Can we finish this later?" He asks evenly though I detect a hint of begging.

Mr. Hale's wintry grey eyes leave me to pierce through his son. "I want you to think about what I said. Your life is going to be a hell of a lot harder if you don't stop being such an idiot. I didn't raise a loser and I won't have one associated with my name." His stabbing gaze swoops over me once more. "When you're done with that find me in my office."

He walks away carrying with him the paralyzing vibe that saturated the room. I can't help feeling immediate pity for Jasper especially when he turns to face me, his features utterly broken. "Sorry about that."

"Uh, so-sorry I didn't mean to-"

He waves me off. "Nah, it's no secret my old man's a prick."

"Why is he so angry with you?" I can't stop the question from barreling through my lips.

He laughs humorlessly. "Oh, that was a normal temperament from him. You don't want to see him angry. He's just bothered that I made some wise-crack about not wanting to go to the school he picked for me."

He says it so cavalierly, as if this wouldn't be a major discussion. "Are you?"

"Am I what?"

"Going to the school he picks?"

He smiles. "Of course."

I frown. "Why would you just do-"

He laughs again, this time it seems genuine. "Bella, darlin, you don't get it. What Alexander Hale wants he gets. There's no telling him no." His expression turns dark, menacing. "Ever."

A small voice inside me becomes more audible the longer I stand talking with Jasper. _What are you doing? Who cares about him? Tell him what you came to say!_ I shove any concern or sympathy for him away, shaking my head slightly.

"Well, I, um… I came to talk to you about everything. To reason with you."

His brows lift. "Reason?"

I nod.

He takes my hand gingerly. "Come here Bella."

Pulling me lightly to the door he leads me to the front porch. The cold night air nips at my skin. I zip my jacket tighter to my chin, shoving my free hand into the deep canvas pocket.

"Look," he begins, his fingers make my palm itch with discomfort. This Jasper is different than the angry asshole who has tried so desperately to push me around. "I know we got off to a rough start…" His gaze lifts to mine, soft caramel as a finger brushes hair away from my cheek. It's tender and so polarized from anything I've experienced with him. My sympathy for how his dad spoke to him eats away at the pit of my stomach.

"Can we just start over? I think if you gave me a chance you'd really like being with me."

And just like that he leans in to place a kiss on my lips. I yank back. "Jasper, what are you doing? After everything you've done you think we can just start over? Are you insane?"

With that one small word his eyes ignite. "Don't ever call me that," he spits with a re-kindled fury.

"You can't just stake some non-existent claim to me and then act like things can just be okay Jasper. That's never going happen. Ever." I find my footing, finality lacing my words. "Anything that might have been - any chance you may have ever had with me is gone. You and I will never be." Avoiding eye contact, I manage to keep my voice authoritative. He needs to hear this massage loud and clear.

'You're wrong," he grinds through bared teeth, his fingers dig into my wrist painfully.

"You're hurting me," I wince, twisting to pull my arm away, he grips tighter.

"Jasper," Rosalie's voice lashes through the tension that's mounted between us, snapping Jasper to. He drops my hand eyes lurching to her. "You shouldn't keep Dad waiting any longer. He's being especially impatient tonight."

He nods curtly, throwing me one last look before retreating into the house. Rosalie hovers in the door watching me. I stare at the ground, soaking in the moment, processing it. _Rosalie knows, she has to._

"My brother has … issues," she finally offers softly - a tone I'd not heard come from her before.

Unable to stop the guffaw that rumbles low in my chest, I force my gaze to her. "Yeah, I'd say so."

She smiles as if she sympathizes with me. "We have a pretty perfect life you know." She motions to their house towering over me to illustrate her point. "All of this … what more could a person need right? Besides, I don't know …" she shrugs. "Two perfect kids to add to the mantel." Her pause is purposeful, allowing her words to sink in.

"My parents don't like to acknowledge … _issues_. They tend to ignore or brush things under the rug. Look, I know Jasper can be hard to deal with, and I'll talk to him but…"

A light fills me momentarily, _she's going to help me_, but as her smile slides listlessly into an icy drawn line that hope dims.

"…Make no mistake Bella, my family is very important to me and I will do whatever I have to to protect them."

My jaw drops. Is she threatening me too? _ My god will this never end? _Reading my expression she hangs her smile back into place.

"Like I said, I'll talk to Jasper, but the best thing for everyone concerned would be to not force his hand. And if you try I guarantee you'll regret it Bella."

I can't tell if she's warning or threatening me now.

"Why do you people keep doing this to me?" I grind out in frustration, tears sting my eyes painfully.

She rolls her eyes with a sigh. "Honestly, I don't know what Jasper sees, but he's gotten some wild hair up his ass that you two belong together… he's obviously not the most reasonable so it's hard to understand what his motivation is exactly," she muses as if talking about the weather.

"What exactly are you asking of me Rosalie?"

"I'm asking for time."

Time. She's asking for more than just time. She's asking me to surrender my life to this boy who has _issues_. I open my mouth to tell her I've given him enough _time _when her face stops me. It crumples all confidence and swagger gone.

"Please Bella."

xx

The mall of Port Angeles is bustling with consumers. Sale signs hang in most store fronts, holiday shopping already in full swing. I'm parked on a bench, a cup of hot apple cider in my hands just observing all the normal people with normal lives. Alone.

Charlie would kill me if he found out I drove here by myself, especially since I can see light flakes of snow drifting aimlessly in the wind outside. It's barely a flurry, the temperature just having dropped low enough for the possibility of snow, but he would still flip.

When I called Jess to let her know I was on my way to pick her up she let loose every explicative known to man.

"Shit Bella, I totally forgot. Gil's over and we're helping my parents put up the Christmas tree," she'd whined, annoyed with herself.

I didn't tell her about going to Jasper's. I didn't even give her a hard time about forgetting. It is good for her, she doesn't need to be wrapped up in my drama. Particularly not when she can have such normalcy. I'd love to be at home with my dad decorating a Christmas tree with nothing on my mind outside of needing to buy new lights because the strands from last year - though he insists on keeping them every year - will inevitably not work.

But if I was at home right now all I would do is stew, so I drove to Port Angeles anyway, my soul feeling lighter with every mile placed between myself and Forks.

After a bit of people-watching I mosey away from the bench. About a block from the mall the streets give way to cobblestone and the modern businesses morph into Old Town just before the land fades into water. I decide to walk down to the docks despite the cold.

It's familiar territory so my feet move without thought. In fact my brain is on autopilot until a store I'd never noticed before catches my eye. It's simply called Books, and I'm shocked I've never noticed it before. In the window there is a display for a new popular series that everyone seems to be reading, but what pulls me in more than that is the old books stacks haphazardly on the sides.

They look old and well-loved. The door opens with an endearing chime. A single clerk smiles at me from behind wired-rimmed glasses, his wiry grey hair sticking up every which way. "Good afternoon," he smiles warmly.

The smell hanging in the air of old paper and leather immediately relaxes me. The place is filled with used, eclectic and probably hard to find works.

I loose myself inside the book store, pouring over every book I touch. I want them all, but they are too pricey for my wallet, so I admire until I happen to glance out the store front and notice the pinking sky outside. The sun is beginning to set, I've been in here for hours.

I thank the clerk, who was kind enough to ignore me for the most part, and didn't give me the hairy eye as I left absent of any purchases. The sky is spectacular as I step out into the clipping winter wind. It's not only pink, but golden and purple in swirls that dance against the horizon. I trace the patterns with my eyes until I've turned the way I came, stopping dead in my tracks.

Twenty feet from where I stand, Edward pulls his jacket tighter, squinting against the sinking sun behind me. He's looking directly at me as if he's dreaming. His face is washed in the warm glow of twilight. His hair sparkling in a hundred different hues of reds and golden browns. He literally takes my breath away. I bite my lip unconsciously, lifting my hand in an awkward wave.

We meet in the middle, closing the distance amicably. I smile the best that I can against the acid burning my tongue. A million things run through my mind. To see him here feels like a sign I cannot ignore. My instinct is to spill everything. I bite back the urge, remembering Rosalie's words. There is still the chance she can talk some sense into Jasper. It'd be blowing it on my end to blab to Edward now.

His returning smile sends a thrill from the tips of my fingers to my toes, my breathing staggers. "Hey."

"Hey," he whispers. The way he's looking at me, the brightness in his eyes makes it seem like we were supposed to meet here, as though it were planned. It just feels right. Or maybe it's just Edward that feels right.

"You've been avoiding me," he says without hesitation. His honesty is, as always, refreshing.

"Sorry …" I offer lamely. "It's… complicated."

"I have time," he challenges lightly.

Shaking my head, my eyes drop to the ground. It's littered with large wet dots where the snow has melted into the stones. The air is moist with condensation, sticking to my skin and hair. "I…"

"Bella, I've wanted to talk to you."

"About…?" I ask my feet.

"This," he motions between us. "I know you are _involved_ with Jasper, but I also know you feel this thing between us, and it's killing me."

I have to look at his face, his words raw with sincerity. Imploring him with my eyes to continue, but the words that come from me say anything but. "I can't."

His face dissolves into confusion. I force myself to imagine horrible things happening to Edward. I remember the mask that slid so easily over Jasper's face when I told him we'd never be, the terrifying cruelty there. He wouldn't hesitate to do something terrible to Edward, I knew that in my gut. And I couldn't live with that.

"What I mean is, I'm sorry, really, but …" I'm about to tell him I don't feel the same when my phone rings too loudly, causing me to jump. I quickly check to see that it's my Dad.

_Shit. _"Um sorry, I have to take this." He nods sullenly as I turn away and answer.

"Hello?"

"Hey Bella, how's the girls' trip going?"

"Um. Fine?" This is very unlike Charlie, red flags are waving madly inside my head.

"Oh? You and Jess having a good time?"

"Yes…" I respond slowly, cautiously.

"That's odd, because she just called here about ten minutes ago, offering for you to join her while the family decorates their Christmas tree. Wasn't that nice of her?"

_Fuuuuuuuck. _"Uh, yeah. Um." I have nothing and he knows it.

"I expect you home in fifty two minutes, not one second sooner or later." He says sternly before hanging up.

"Everything okay?" Edward is reading my body language.

"Not really. I have to go, my Dad's pretty pissed."

"Oh, okay."

My head is swimming with possible punishments I'll endure for this. Frustration threatening to explode. Taking a few steps away, eyes still on my phone in disbelief. "Can we talk later?" I ask defeat apparent.

"Sure," he offers. If I was capable of paying attention to anything else in the moment I'd notice his utter disappointment, and more so, his concern for me. But I don't.

Instead I turn and watch my feet move over the uneven cobblestone, disgusted with myself for losing my father's trust in any way. Because if I knew the man at all that would be the issue he would harp on. The devastation inside me is painful because in reality, my father's trust and love was one of the last true things I have left. I can't bare to lose it.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Hi, hello. Um. Yeah. So I needed some time over the holidays. My apologies for disappearing. Life will be returning to it's regularly scheduled programming, as well as my daily posting. (Hopefully. No they, will. *determined face*) So… thoughts? Did anyone feel anything for Jasper or… My hopes aren't that high, don't worry. Review and yell at me for leaving you hanging for two weeks. K thanks. xx **


	12. Chapter 12

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight; all the respective characters belong to SMeyer**

* * *

><p>Everything is dark. With my eyes closed I keep it this way. Pressing my back flat against the mattress I revel in the feeling of lips on mine. Only three times I've felt these lips but I would recognize them for the rest of my life. Fingers slide through my hair, the pads of his fingertips barely brushing my scalp. I feel it everywhere, the sensation igniting my skin.<p>

It's a dream, I know it is as his mouth releases mine, traveling slowly along my jaw. As long as I keep my eyes shut I can stay. So I clench them tightly and reach out to feel him. There is no sensitivity to my touch, as if I don't have arms although I can sense them moving. All I can really _feel_ is his touch on me. My mouth dips down into a frown, longing to experience the silkiness of his wild hair, the way I'd imagined the coarseness of his cheek.

His tongue glides along my collarbone, distracting me for a moment. His lips press gently against the hollow of my neck. I groan, tipping my head back to feel him burry his face there. The heat of his breath against my neck warms my skin. His hand trails up my side, a finger traces the curve of each rib.

The weight of his body on mine is freeing in its security. I am completely safe lying there beneath him. I think we are naked, but I can't be certain. All I know is that I sense him everywhere. My forearms, my thighs, my ankles, my knee caps, every last bit of me radiates with his energy.

His hips press into me, my legs split, he sinks and I glow with a fullness never before experienced. I can no longer tell where he ends and I begin. We're a liquid mix of flesh. A moan pours from my lips, dizzying me. His mouth parts, blowing molten air across my flesh.

It strikes me then that he doesn't speak, though I can feel his mouth move occasionally like he's saying something. His lips curve against the swell of my breast as he murmurs something again. I strain my ears, trying to hear, but fail. Reflexively, I open my eyes to see his mouth as it moves.

Light cascades through lace curtains exposing my empty room. My bed is very empty as well, apart from my lone figure slumped loosely to the side. The dream fresh in my mind is a blaring reminder. Its message entirely subconscious and in reality nothing to do with Edward. He was just the messenger.

It's a reminder of how wrong my life is right now. How it's wrong that I gave into Rosalie so easily. How it's wrong that I feel one ounce of pity for Jasper. How it's wrong that I am allowing myself to sink into isolation. Allowing Jess to slip away into ignorant bliss with Gil. Allowing Edward to feel a deliberate cold shoulder after he had been so warm to me.

And the worst part - my weakness in putting up with Jasper's charade. He makes a point to walk me to what classes he can now and I let him. I let him put his arm around me and force the smallest smile my lips will allow. I let him. It's all so very wrong.

Jess has stopped asking, stopped giving me questioning looks, and I don't blame her. I can't even really blame Jasper anymore. I'm the only one to blame at this point. But I'm in quicksand, drowning on each grain as I sink further. For a moment I think of closing my eyes and letting go. I'd need no solution then - wouldn't have to sufferer humiliation in any way. I'd just cease to be. No more worries.

"You awake Bells?" Charlie's voice accompanies a light knock. I quickly wipe my brain clean of any of my early morning contemplations for fear that he'll see it in my eyes.

"Yeah, come in," I croak out, my throat uncomfortably dry.

"Hey, I have to pull a double tonight 'cause Mark called out. You gonna be okay?"

My forehead crinkles. He works too hard, and especially this time of year with the holidays looming he's always swamped. "Yeah, I'll be fine. Want me to bring you some dinner?"

He smiles, his brown eyes glinting in the early morning light. "That's okay Bells, thank you though."

"Okay, well, let me know if you change your mind," I offer with a smile.

"Will do. Now you better get dressed, you'll be late for school."

"Oh joy, school," I whine, pulling the comforter over my head.

"Don't give me any of that. You're a free woman today."

The covers are plopped back exposing my face. "Really?"

"Yeah, really," he nods reluctantly. Though I can see a smile hiding somewhere in his expression. He never could stand to punish me for long. "I suppose you've suffered enough."

Two weeks I've been marooned in my home. Aside from school and the occasional necessary trip to the grocery store, I've been stuck. Charlie was, as I'd expected, livid by the time I got home the night I drove to Port Angeles alone. I did my best to explain why, all the while skirting around any real reasons, like why I would want to get away in the first place. It was one of those moments when I wondered just how much he really knew, because he didn't press the issue. He stuck to the basics, lying and trust, but never explored beyond that.

My expression must wash him free of any guilt he's been harboring. "Alright, I'm late - bye sweetheart," he chuckles and then he's gone.

"Bye Dad," I murmur, fighting back tears that I seem to always be on the brink of anymore when he's around. I think it's shame that causes it, shame and a feeling of wanting my daddy to take it all away.

I can rationalize everything until the day I die, but the truth of the matter is I'm being affected by this whole thing in many ways. I can pretend and lie to myself day to day, ignore warning signs that my life is getting away from me. Pretend that I know what I'm doing, that I have control. Pretend that some magical solution will present itself, that everything's fine.

It's not fine. _I'm_ not fine.

Eating is a luxury on most days. My stomach harbors a permanent rock making food unappetizing and eating hard to do. I'm never hungry, even for my favorites. I've lost at least ten pounds, but if I'm being honest with myself it's probably closer to fifteen which is scary. Jess insists that I look hotter than I ever have, which is disconcerting because I'd lean more towards my looking anorexic.

Two days ago my counselor pulled me into her office. She had that look on her face. I'd seen that look - that cautious smile, careful eyes. She asked how I was doing, asked about things at home. I asked her if there was a problem, she insisted no, but she hadn't spoken to me all school year and wanted to 'touch base'.

The previous year I had seen her quite a bit. She knew all about my history, my mother, so I knew she had cause to check on me, but the timing and my conscience made me suspicious she had ulterior motives. This was confirmed as I was standing to leave. She slipped a pamphlet about eating disorders quietly into my hands.

I read through it five times, each time wanting to pull my hair out. _I'd eat if I could! _I wanted to scream. I didn't fit the profile at all, but what I was doing - not eating - was physically doing the same things to me I'm sure.

My mind is on anything but my studies the whole day. At lunch, I try my best to eat but it's a losing battle. Jasper meets me at my locker before last period, and when he walks me to class is especially sweet, which only makes my stomach knot tighter. I wonder what he's up to. Tomorrow is that last day of school before Christmas break and I am ecstatic. To not have to come to school every day and face the fakeness, the asshole, and the ice princess will be a welcome break.

A light snow is falling as I walk to my car. The lot has long since been emptied. I had stayed late to work on an extra credit project for Physics. My grade has been suffering the past few weeks and I couldn't pass it up. Jasper is in my physics class. I can't stand when he looks at me, it trips my gag reflex and I spend the majority of the period trying not to throw up the little food I was able to get down for breakfast.

I actually didn't mind staying after; it was nice to sit in the classroom one on one with the teacher and be able to focus. Sometimes little things in life are so easily taken advantage of. When someone's stolen your power in such a way those little things become desperately obvious. Walking through halls, paying attention in class, talking with friends. Jasper is everywhere and I want him out of my head.

My fingers are icicles as I dig through my bag for car keys; gloves forgotten in my locker. The sky hovers low in an endless smoky white, the approaching twilight just barely breaking through the intermittent clouds. A sharp gust of wind blows just as I located my keys, causing me to shiver and drop them to the ground.

As I bend to grab them another set of hands gets there first. I stand to greet the hands and ask for my keys to find Ben Cheney smiling at me. "Hey Bella."

"Hey … Ben."

I knew _of_ Ben, though he had yet to actually speak to me in almost four years of high school, even with my new found 'popularity'.

"Heading home?" He asks casually like we've spoken a million times.

"Um, yeah." Glancing around the parking lot I notice there are no other cars. Frowning I open my mouth to ask what he's still doing at school but he beats me to it.

"I was in detention with Mrs. Craig," he rolls his eyes, miming the action of shooting himself in the head.

"Oh," I reply throwing in a half-hearted chuckle. Ben nods smiling but instead of making an exit like I would assume he would do he stands there awkwardly. To break the weirdness I spout the first thing that comes to mind but instantly regret it. "Do you need a ride or something?"

His eyebrows go up, lips part into a wider smile. "Yeah thanks." As we get into my car I can't help but feel like he was waiting for me to ask.

The ride is quiet. I put on some music to fill the emptiness. The song shifts and Ben grins, "Hey I like this one." Leaning over he turns the stereo up eyes flicking back to me, head bobbing to the beat.

My focus is on the road in front of me, the snow has picked up considerably. I have to turn the headlights on to see the road clearly in this early winter night. Just as I feel the tension ease from my body out of the corner of my eye I catch Ben shifting his weight towards me.

Delicately his fingers barely grip the corner of my un-tucked flannel shirt. "I really like this shirt," he lightly purrs.

Brows furrowing I mummer, "What?" In confusion.

His fingers tiptoe against the thick fabric, slinking to the underside. "It's soft," he replies.

A slug of disgust coils deep in my gut. "What are you …" I begin but trail when his cold fingers brush against my stomach and work slowly higher. "Ben." I say firmly finding my voice. Squinting at the road I do my best to keep the car from veering off. The snow pelts down now in fat chunks, coagulating as it clumps together and slides off the windshield wipers.

This does nothing to deter him. My breathing quickens, despite my calm exterior I'm panicking. Inside my head I'm screaming at him. The tips of his fingers brush the underside of my satin bra. Swallowing hard I unclench my jaw. "Stop." It comes out wilted, I swallow again.

His pointer finger glides over my nipple, which to my utter disgust is hardened, then hooks into the top of my bra. "Stop!" I shout, finally causing him a reaction.

His hand pauses, though it's still there, touching me. His face inches from my neck. I can't stand it so I rip the car off the road. We skid, sliding far past where I intended to stop, narrowly missing a guard rail placed on the side of the road.

"What's the problem Bella?" He coos, still so close, hand still resting against me. "You smell so good," he murmurs and I guess it's supposed to be enticing but I'm completely revolted by it. His entire palm slips over my breast, lips press to my neck.

I snap.

With every ounce of strength physically possessed within me, I push against his shoulders. His body flies back, elbows slamming against the window.

"What the-"

"Don't fucking touch me!" I scream. "Don't you EVER fucking touch me you piece of shit slime-ball!" Still screaming. My lungs burn with it. My body shakes, eyes water.

Ben stares at me, a dear in the headlights. "You're a psycho," he proclaims slowly. "Jasper said you were cool, but you're a bitch," he concludes his voice rising as he settles on being angry with me.

Turning my body away from him, my hands grip the steering wheel so tightly my palms feel raw against the wrapped leather wheel. "Get the fuck out of my car." I say lowly.

His jaw drops, he glances around the barren highway, snow unrelenting. "What, here? No way."

Deep breath. "Get. The. FUCK. Out. Of. My. Car."

"Bella, you're crazy, I'll freeze."

Without another word I reach for my cell phone, flip it open and begin to dial.

"What are you doing?" Alarm in his voice.

"Calling my father." I grind through my teeth.

"Wait - no, stop. I'm going!" He says quickly. The car dings with the opening of the door, a gust of frigid air pushes against my face. The phone stays firmly in my hands. He backs out, his backpack tumbling to his feet. He reaches for it, ducking his head back in the car, his face is livid. Pressing the final digit, my finger hovers over the send button. "I'm gone!" he shouts, slamming the door. "Fucking bitch," he growls kicking my car.

Ears ringing, I peel off, the car's back-end fish tailing while spraying snow all over. My breathing is still accelerated, my body still shakes. I don't look back. It never occurs to me that he may not have a cell phone to call anyone, I honestly don't care. The panic begins to recede and I'm left feeling numb. Had Jasper put him up to that? It's a disgusting thought, but for a second I contemplate telling him as if he could defend me. Retaliate in some way. But I could never accept any help from him. I'd never be indebted to that boy.

By the time I make it home I am completely drained. My limbs unbearably heavy as I walk up the stairs to my room. I drop to my bed, closing my eyes and wait for tears that for some reason won't come.

xx

I don't tell Jess about Ben, I don't tell anyone. I barely even allow myself to admit that it happened. To my surprise Ben doesn't mention it to anyone that I know of either. What I assumed would become the hot new rumor is nothing.

The next day I pass Ben in the hallway, and for some reason that I don't really understand, I stare right at him. I allow my eyes to bore through him as I walk. His eyes shy away, fake smile in place. I'm ignored by him as if it's just another day.

Just another day.

Rosalie sits right next to me at lunch something she's taken to doing, and nothing I had paid much attention to. It wasn't as if _I_ engaged her in conversation. But when Jess walks into the lunchroom and I wave to her she freezes, eyes sliding to Rose. I watch her sigh in disappointment and slowly turn back out of the lunchroom.

At first I tell myself she's forgotten something in her locker. Biting into my pizza I push any subconscious worry out of my head.

"So Bella," Rosalie smiles wide in my direction. The rest of the girls that seem to be a prerequisite group interspersed with being in Rosalie's presence, turn their attention to me as well. Squirming a bit under all those eyes, I raise my brows in response.

"Any big plans for Christmas break?"

I swallow the same bite of pizza I'd chewed down to mush, it lands thickly in my stomach. "Um, no, not really."

Rosalie's bottom lip pouts out in sympathy. Somehow her eyes are still smiling. "Aw, too bad. My family usually goes away. This year we're not leaving till Christmas Eve though." She pouts genuinely now as if this is devastating to her. Christmas Eve is only four days away.

"Anyway, the girls and I are having a holiday party you should totally come, it's Saturday."

It's Friday, and it irritates me that she doesn't just say the party is tomorrow. As if announcing that it's a Saturday party makes it sound cooler. Staring back in expectation, her perfect teeth scream at me between smiling lips. She reminds me of the Cheshire cat. I pause unwittingly, waiting for her to slowly disappear leaving nothing but that perfect smile in her place.

"Oh, um, maybe," I lie. There is no way I'm going to any party at the Hale's house.

"Great! It's dress to impress, so come decked out in your holiday cheer!" She elicits a perfect laugh and stands. Six sets of chairs scrape across the linoleum cafeteria floor as her hand maidens raise to leave as well. Some of them still have a good amount of food on their trays.

_When Rosalie Hale's finished you're finished too_, I think bemused, in truth finding nothing at all funny about the hierarchy. As they leave it occurs to me that Jess never came back. _Where is she?_

No longer finding my pizza appetizing, I stand to throw my trash away and find Jess. It takes me awhile, eventually I find her in the library which sets off alarms in my head. Jess never spent time in the library. She is bent over a book reading and sneaking bites of her peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

"What are you doing? Where's Gil?" I chuckle at her.

"Shhhhhhhh," a librarian in the corner admonishes automatically. She doesn't even look up from her computer.

Slinking into a seat I whisper my question again.

"Gil's home sick and I'm doing homework."

"Oh." This makes no sense because in less than three hours we would be off for winter break and teachers never gave homework over break. Not unless you had an especially grinch-like teacher, but I thought all Jess' teachers were pretty normal.

She must feel my follow up question coming so she shrugs. "Make-up homework."

I nod, letting it go. "Well, do you wanna come over for dinner Saturday night? Dad is going ice fishing with Billy and I'll be all by my lonesome."

"I thought you had plans," she replies evenly. She has yet to look at me.

"Um … no, what plans?"

Her eyes lift to me finally, raw hurt filling them. It's an unexpected punch in the stomach that takes my breath away. "With your best friend. I thought you had a Hale party to go to."

"What? Why would you think that?"

She shrugs again. "I heard about the party and since you and Rosalie have become so close it only seemed a natural assumption."

I'm totally dumbfounded. "What? Because I still sit at her table? You haven't exactly been available." I try, but it's a pathetic attempt.

"That's low Bella! You know I'm always there for you. You could always sit with Gil and me. I just don't get it. How can you even stand to pretend Bella? How can you smile at her face, walk around like her brother isn't ruining your life … like he's not a complete monster?"

I don't have an answer for her. My defense is weak and I know that the honest response was just that, I am weak.

"Jess, I barely talk to that, that _robot_, and why the hell would you think I'd ever want to go to another Hale party again … I mean…" my voice trails.

"I don't think you've noticed because you're so wrapped up in your own head but you do talk to Rose. In fact, you might even talk to her more than me! You never call me anymore. You don't tell me anything that's going on with you and I know there's shit going on because you look like hell. It's like you don't need me."

Her words sting, cutting to the quick. Tears instantly brim my lashes. "Jess…" I begin softly. What do I say? I knew I hadn't been telling her things but it wasn't as if I was telling Rosalie instead. And maybe mindless conversation had just been easier … but I never thought I'd been ignoring her. If anything, I thought I was giving her the space she wanted so she could have time with Gil. Anger is an easy out from the guilt I suddenly feel, I react. "You sound jealous."

She stands closing her book, her features icy. "Look Bella, I know you have a lot of shit you've been through, but I can't wait around in the background for you to maybe one day need me. Did you even know I was going out of town tomorrow?"

"No," I reply truthfully.

Her hands go up in defeat. "Of course not. Well I told you last week. My uncle is sick and I'm going with my mom to California for Christmas. Listen, I think … let's just take a break, ok? We're both stressed and if we just take some time I think it'll all be fine when I get back."

"Are you breaking up with me?" I ask ridiculously.

She shakes her head, not skipping a beat. "Bella, you are like my sister. I'm stuck with you … and vice versa, but you need to figure some stuff out. It's not healthy what you're doing, allowing Jasper to rule your life in this way. I can't watch you do this anymore. You need to talk to someone - someone who can help you."

She steps to my side, leaning in and placing a gentle kiss to my cheek. It's warm and reminds me of my mother. A tear slips along my jaw. "I miss you Bella. The you that's not so absent."

Her words resonate deeply, ringing true. I knew I'd been checking out mentally I just hadn't realized it was affecting anyone else. I turn to reply but she's walking out the library doors.

"Sorry," I mutter to no one, for the first time truly alone.

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><p><strong>AN: This was a long and heavy chapter so I want to take this chance to say that this is not an easy story, it's not meant to be. Bella's in a really, really shitty place right now so I'm not going to sugar coat things. I hope you guys are willing to stick things out with me. *crosses fingers* The beginning of the chapter may have been written due to my guilty conscience over all the shit I'm putting her through, so a glimmer of sweetness for a fleeting moment at least. More to come? Like real moments, not just dreams? Maybe… we'll see… **


	13. Chapter 13

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight; all respective characters belong to SMeyer**

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><p>The following morning Jess leaves me a voicemail at 4:30 a.m. telling me she is about to board her plane, that she loves me, and we'll talk when she gets back. Hating that we fought and now she's gone I call her back around 7:00 having to leave her a voicemail in return and tell her to be safe.<p>

Now I'm awake on a Saturday morning at 7 am with nothing to do for the entire day until the doorbell rings twenty minutes later. Not having bothered to get dressed, or even venture from my bed, I don't make any moves to answer it so I'm irritated when my dad knocks on my door.

"Sleeping." One word answers always get under his skin.

"You are not Bells, I heard you on the phone." My door opens, his face pokes in. "Why don't you get dressed and come on downstairs, you have a visitor."

"Visitor?" I question, honestly confused and entirely curious. For no rational reason Edward comes to mind. _You've been reading too many romance novels Bella._

He doesn't respond, he just leaves my door ajar and retreats. Muttering under my breath like a proper teenager, I pull on some ratty sweats and an oversized sweatshirt.

My irritation flares and disappointment is all there is to feel when I get to the bottom of the stairs and find Billy waiting there with his son Jacob. Charlie comes tromping into the room from the kitchen as I walk in, fishing gear filling his arms.

"Alright, you kids have fun, we'll be back later."

"What?" The anger in my voice doesn't surprise me and only makes me feel slightly bad when it causes Jacob to jump.

"Jacob's gonna hang out with you today Bells, it's no big deal."

"No big deal? You sign me up to babysit without checking with me and it's no big deal? What if I had plans?" The word 'plans' shoots off my tongue bitterly because I know I have none and so does my dad. He smiles knowingly at me.

"Billy said Jacob needs to do some Christmas shopping, maybe you can help him out Bells?" He grins and it seems so evil. "See you kids later, have fun Jake," he winks.

Billy supplies me a nervous smile, probably worried I'm going to take my irritation out on his son. The front door shuts loudly before I can even think to reassure him.

Jacob beams up at me eagerly. He isn't much shorter than I am. Gangly in his awkward 15-year-old body, he has yet to grow into his limbs. I grumble incoherently, shuffling into the kitchen to pour myself some cereal. He follows like a puppy wagging his tail.

"What are we doing today?" He asks all too cheerfully. Maybe I'll brew some coffee, I might need the caffeine.

"Right now I'm eating breakfast."

"Can I have eggs?" He asks still full of cheer.

I spin around perhaps too abruptly, though it doesn't seem to faze him. "You didn't eat?"

His mouth quirks to the side in an 'aw man,' way. "No, my dad let me sleep in."

Rolling my eyes, I pull down a second bowl and shove it into his hands. "Hope you like rice crispies."

"Do you have sugar?"

I eye him. "Do you _need _the sugar?"

His nose wrinkles in disgust. "Ewe, yuck, I can't have them plain."

"Of course not."

Breakfast is thankfully quiet, aside from Jacob's constant slurping sounds. I'll take it over his cheery voice though, so I don't complain. I'm not so lucky once bowls are rinsed and put away; he's on my heels again asking what we're doing.

"I'm going to take a shower, you can watch television." I hadn't planned on showering. I fully intended to spend the day grimy and alone. Now showering sounded like a good idea.

Managing to draw my shower out to almost an hour, I come out pruny and cold from luke-warm water. Slipping on jeans and a long-sleeved cotton shirt, I reluctantly trot down the stairs. Jacob has found some sort of reality 'look how stupid this person is' clip show. Plopping down next to him I can't help but smile at his red face. He's laughing so hard he can barely breathe. He points to the TV repeatedly mouthing 'watch'.

In slow motion some guy revs up his motorcycle that's pointed at a plywood ramp which looks to lead him straight at a mound of dirt. The guy takes off and just as his bike reaches the ramp the thin wood snaps causing the wheel to fly sideways and the guy to shoot off the front of the bike, slamming face first into the dirt. Jacob breaks out into more laughter.

"That looks painful."

"Aw, come on," he says out of breath, wiping a joyful tear from the corner of his eye. "He was fine, it's hilarious. Oh man, what a dumbass."

"Hey, language." I quip. He rolls his eyes, something he does a lot and makes me wonder how often I do it.

"I'm 15 _and a half _Bella, you're not much older than me, chill okay?"

"Yeah okay," I mock him with a smile. He rolls his eyes. Again. "Well, come on," I pat his leg.

"What?"

"We're going Christmas shopping."

"Oooohhh," he groans. "I hate shopping!"

"Hey look, you're the one about ready to jump out of your skin to do something. This is what we're doing. Get your coat."

xx

Shopping with Jacob turned out to be a good thing. It kept my mind off everything else and I actually wanted to pick up a few last minute Christmas gifts.

I found a wallet for Dad, and a documentary on deep sea fishing (he's always going on and on about wishing he was an off-shore fisherman.) I bought Jess some perfume I have and she always steals, the third book in a series she dies over whenever it's mentioned, and a gift card to Victoria's Secret. Jacob was all too eager to join me in that store. I'd already bought her the last season of Weeds on DVD and hadn't planned on anything more, I guess my guilty conscience got the better of me.

Jacob found some ugly mug with trout all over it for Billy. I managed to talk him out of the tie, getting him to purchase a set of golf balls instead. I was impressed when he picked out a few pretty sets of earrings for his sisters and matching bracelets.

Forks' only mall is small and laughable compared to the one in Port Angeles, but the food court is pretty cookie-cutter. The noisy corridor bustles with last minute Christmas shoppers scarfing down Chick-Fi-La and Taco Bell quickly so they can get on with their day. It's just after lunch time so I am starving.

"Wanna eat?" I turn to Jacob but before I can get both words out he's making a bee-line for the Taco Bell kiosk.

"Taco Bell it is," I laugh, following his lead.

The six hundred-layer burrito I choose is cheesy and sinfully good. I almost don't want to admit it to Jacob who suggested it, but with every mouthful I consume his smile grows.

"Good huh?"

"Mhmm."

"So where to next?"

"Didn't you get everything you needed to get?"

"Yeah, I mean what are we _doing_ next?"

"We're going back to my house and hopefully you will be going home soon."

He frowns half-heartedly. "Billy and Charlie won't be back until late and you know it."

It's my turn to frown. "Did they tell you that? And since when do you refer to your father as _Billy_?"

"I'm almost a man Isabella, I can call him that."

I choke on my burrito with a laugh. "Maybe, but he'll always be your dad Jake."

He beams at me. "Hey you called me Jake, not…" Making his face stern, he lowers his voice to mock me. "Jacob."

Prepared with my witty retort, I'm cut off before I get to speak.

"Bella, how cute who's your little friend?"

Rosalie's voice is like nails raking across my eardrums. My shoulders hunch instinctively, I freeze as if I've been caught. Jacob baulks at the term 'little'. She waits patiently for a response, eyes moving suggestively between Jacob and me; her minions flanking her on either side.

"Um, this is Jacob. Jacob, Rosalie," I motion from him to her. Jacob's expression shifts seamlessly, he smiles his goofy, innocent smile. Rosalie smirks, eyes always appraising. I don't bother to introduce anyone else. To my amusement this seems acceptable etiquette to the group.

"Well you should bring him to the party tonight."

She may as well have sentenced me to death. He'll want to go, I can tell by the twinkle in his eye at the word party. I had no intention of going. That bitch. In a way that I'm noticing is very signature-Rosalie she turns without waiting for an answer and struts away, girls tripping after her.

"No." I answer before he can ask.

"Pleaaaaasssseeee Bella."

"No."

"Oh come on, we don't have anything else to do! And the rez never has any cool parties, pleaaasssseeeee!"

Folding my arms to signify just how resolute I am, I lean back in my chair. "Absolutely not. N-O."

Six hours later I am driving to Rosalie Hale's house. I'm so irritated I can't even feel the bundle of nerves that dominates my stomach. Jacob is relentless. God help Billy if ever having to tell the boy no. It's an impossibility. I've told myself and Jacob several times that we are showing up, staying for thirty minutes so he can absorb the 'party atmosphere' and then we're getting the hell out of there.

Artfully, almost automatically at this point, I silence all the questioning voices of reason in the back of my mind. _What if Ben's there? What if Jasper tries to pull something? What if. What if. What if._

"Thirty minutes Jacob, not one minute more. That is all you're getting out of me and you don't even _know_ how big you owe me," I repeat for the millionth time. "When that thirty minutes is up-"

"I know, I know, you're leaving with or without me … I got it Bells."

"Don't. Don't call me that."

"Gee-whiz chill out, this'll be fun!"

The Hales live 1.2 miles from my house. I notice this without trying as I pull up alongside their house. The large white colonial stands tall, garnished in greens and twinkling white lights. A fresh snowfall decorates the lawn as if complimentary from Mother Nature. It is a picturesque Christmas abode.

Before we're out of the car, the front door swings open and Rosalie hangs out to greet us. Holiday music pumps into the air behind her. I cringe as I take in her beautiful red satin dress - complete with holly pinning back one side of her corn silk, blonde hair. I'd forgotten she had said to dress up. My jeans, red top and black chucks feel suddenly heavy on my body.

"Bella! Hi … oh, you're wearing what you were wearing earlier." Her contempt is blaringly obvious.

I attempt to recover. "Sorry Rose, I really wanted to drop by but have been so busy all day we just came straight here."

"What?" Jacob mummers, frowning.

I kick his heel, hard. He knows, obviously, that we spent the last five hours at my house arguing about coming. Rosalie doesn't seem to notice our exchange, her face relaxes.

"Oh, well in that case, come in. I'm sure I have something you can throw on." Glancing down at Jacob, she gives him the once over before assessing to herself, "No one will care about the boy, he's fine."

I have to repress the urge to smack her face for calling him _the boy_, no matter how irritated I am that he forced me to come here. _Thirty minutes Bella, thirty minutes._

Jacob heads straight for the snacks and cider when we step into the house. I shout after him to watch what he drinks but can't be sure he hears. Rosalie grabs my arm whisking me up the stairs before I can even take my jacket off.

"Strip," she instructs once her door is closed.

"Excuse me?"

"Take … that off," she annunciates slowly.

"It's really okay…"

"Jesus Christ Bella, do I have to do it for you?" She snaps and I can see why the other girls follow mindlessly. Her authority is smothering.

As I peel my shirt off all I can think about is how pissed Jess would be at me if she knew. _Thirty minutes. _I remind myself again, deciding appeasing Rosalie will be quicker than fighting her.

She tosses a green dress with black flowers embroidering the edges at me. It's actually really pretty, but that doesn't rid the sour taste in my mouth as I slide the smooth material onto my shoulders. It's sleeveless with wide straps, also adorned in intricate embroidery.

To my utter shock the next thing she hands me are black dress flats. I was sure I was going to have to fight her on wearing heels, which I predetermined to be out of the question, she'd have to literally kick me out on my ass - I wasn't putting on heels.

She reads my reaction, sighing. "They're my moms," she explains.

Once dressed she smiles broadly. "Much better."

Standing in her room, all pretty and pink - the postcard of a princess' domain, I can't keep quiet one small voice that is begging me to say something; to acknowledge reality.

"Have you…," I begin, unable to stand it any longer. "Did you talk to Jasper?" Biting into my bottom lip I hate myself that much more for appearing weak, yet again, to a Hale.

She straightens her posture, concealing the surprise that takes her for a moment. I suppose she expected me to play pretend until _they've_ decided I can stop. I clench my jaw against the anger.

Her nostrils flare as she takes in an indignant pull of air. She's above this, I take it.

"Bella, this isn't a simple matter. And just like you shouldn't force him - I shouldn't either."

"So that's a no?" I spit more forcefully than I intend.

"Yes," she replies coolly. "That's a no. It will take time. I have to figure out what-"

"What!" I cut her off sharply.

"What exactly do you have to figure out? Your brother is ruining my life and threatening Edward's. He had a rock thrown through his car window for Christ sake Rosalie!"

Her eyes go wide, her mouth hangs open slightly. This is news to her. My mind scrambles to decide if this is a good or bad thing. Should I have told her this? I assumed she knew everything… I sink away a step, feeling vulnerable, exposed. Allowing myself to believe I had any sort of ally in Rosalie was a mistake.

"Well," she sighs curtly, her mask of indifference back in place. "All I can tell you is that I will talk with him."

She leans in, eyes level with mine. "But be careful how you handle yourself Bella. I don't think blowing up at this Christmas party and exposing him to half the town will bode well for _you_."

The thought of exposing him as the monster that he is - right now - to everyone, makes me feel giddy. But the feeling fades fast with the warning in Rosalie's eyes. I'm on his turf, I'd only do damage to myself. So I nod, straightening my body. _Tonight's not the night Bella_, I tell myself.

I force a small smile for her, she steps back seemingly satisfied. She turns and leaves without another word. I follow after her, cursing myself for feeling like one of _those_ girls when I do, but as soon as we are down the stairs I break away to find Jacob.

"Looking good Bells," he chuckles mockingly.

"Shut up," I growl under my breath. He hands me a gingerbread cookie which I accept as a small consolation.

"Okay, go have fun, but watch what you drink," I whisper stepping back against the wall and letting him loose.

Already watching the clock I count down in my head, _twenty more minutes_. Jacob brings me back a glass of cider, another gingerbread cookie and then disappears into the crowd. I smile thinking he actually has pretty good manners and wouldn't make a bad date.

Most people are mingling, chatting and laughing. Some are singing along to the Christmas carols playing over the sound system; everyone seems to be really enjoying themselves. This deep sadness presses against my lungs, making it hard to breathe. I wish more than anything that I could be blissfully ignorant, enjoying a simple Christmas party with friends.

Acting as a literal wallflower, no one seems to notice me. Thankfully, Jasper and Ben are nowhere to be found. The closest to either of them I've seen is Emmett. He's yucking it up with a group of girls, fake Santa beard hanging off the side of his face. But then, as he turns to get another cookie my attention is drawn to the person leaning against the opposite wall, behind where Emmett had been standing. Edward.

My heart ices over with nerves. His eyes find me as soon as I've spotted him. He doesn't look away. I can't. Since he'd tried to talk to me when we ran into one another in Port Angeles, I've gone out of my way to avoid him; even more so than before. In fact, this is the first time I've actually seen his face in over two weeks. It's a welcome sight and I feel it in my bones, a nagging voice in my subconscious urging me to go to him. Warning me this is one of these fleeting opportunities, reminding me what happened last time.

Pushing off the wall that's been my crutch for the last fifteen minutes I take a tentative step. His eyes are still on me. I know he can tell I'm making my way in his direction, so when he breaks eye contact and leans down to his right I frown, halting my steps. All I can see through the crowd is the top of a blonde head.

I watch him smile to that person; a smile I'd seen only a handful of times. It's a privilege that smile, and someone else has earned it. My chest hurts. I have to remind myself to breathe. Emmet twirls Amanda away from the wall and across the floor to where others are dancing. When they move I have a clear view of Edward and the person he's talking to. Rosalie.

I stand dumfounded in the middle of the room, blatantly staring, but I don't care. My brain can't make sense of the image before me. Her hand rests on his bicep, and he's laughing.

To accent the moment perfectly, like a stake through the heart, Edward looks up catching my gaze - that sadness in his eyes whenever he looks at me ever present. Then he turns his body away, closing me out completely and giving one hundred percent of his attention to her.

Devastation strangles my soul with its icy grip. I move across the room to where Jacob is talking to some freshman who I recognized to be on the varsity cheer squad with Rosalie.

"We're going." My voice is dead.

"But I still have ten minutes!" He complains.

And like that I'm enraged. All the anger for being forced to come in the first place, even misplaced anger because none of what I'm going through is his fault, is aimed at Jake. When I look at him, jaw set, eyes fiery he backs down instantly. He can see I am not about to argue. "_I'm_ going," I clarify.

"No, wait, I'm coming," he mumbles defeated.

I don't look at anyone as we leave. Don't dare look back to the spot where Edward stands. What right do I have to feel anything for him anyway? I'd shut him down we he did nothing but try. It didn't stop the feelings though. I train my attention on the borrowed flats covering my feet and look up only long enough to pull open the beautiful cherry wood door.

"So you wanna talk about it?" Jacob tries as soon as we are in the enclosure of my car.

"No."

He sighs. "You forgot your clothes you know."

"Shit," I mutter. "I'll mail her these back, I don't give a shit about my clothes."

"You know … I'm a pretty good listener…"

"Jacob, don't just … no," my voices cracks, traitor tears welling. "I can't," I finish softly.

He doesn't push, doesn't ask again. Jacob is extremely quiet the rest of the evening. I don't think he expected tears. Hell, I didn't expect tears. He's actually very sweet and respectful, leaving me to my room and bringing me soup for dinner.

I fall asleep at some point in the night; long after my dad and Billy have returned. Jake came up to say goodbye quietly, not mentioning anything about the evening. All he offered was an apologetic look and a hopeful smile. I laid in the silence of the night listening to the wind blow nosily whistling against the house; thinking of everything, allowing my brain to run free. Torturing myself before finally passing out.

This is the first night I begin to not care. The first night I start to let go. I'd never really had him. But the loss of Edward puts a hole in me that feels irrevocable.

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><p><strong>AN: Are we at rock bottom yet? I think so. I want to hug each of you for sticking with this thing and holdin on to the hope. We'll get through okay, I promise. Jake was a nice little break from the heavy hopefully, it was my goal, so let me know if it helped at all. **

**I, personally felt a bit drained from this so I took a break while writing this chapter and wrote a quick sweet drabble-one/shot thingy. (Will someone pliss tell me the difference IDK.) Anyway. If you want some sweetness with a little citrus on the side, check it out! xx http:/www . fanfiction . net/s/7712988/1/Safe_and_Sound**


	14. Chapter 14

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight; all respective characters belong to SMeyer**

**A/N: Hang on, we're about to turn a corner but it's gonna be bumpy.**

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><p>My life feels choreographed, as if a giant rehearsal I'm forced to pace through every day. It starts with my morning routine with Charlie, which is severely lacking in any real content or conversation.<p>

Our Christmas together was touch and go. I wasn't much in the holiday spirit and made that abundantly clear. If I'm being honest with myself, I was taking my anger out on him. Constantly short, unhappy about everything. He only put up with so much, so there were arguments and he worked a lot. It doesn't feel good to have your dad prefer to be at work than spending time with you, but I didn't blame him. If I could I'd get away from myself too.

Since then any conversation has been kept neatly on the surface. I know my dad isn't one for the touchy feely crap and neither am I - but I know he can sense I'm drifting away yet he says nothing. I'm left floundering, unable to reel myself in and frustrated that I can't just open up my damn mouth and tell him.

Next is school. This is more like a tightrope walk. It's a delicate balance of avoidance and perseverance. Push, get through the day, don't look down and you won't fall - those are mantras repeated in my head on the regular. I can't over think because if I do, if I stop and evaluate what goes on around me - the fake friendships, the loss of a real one, the loss of something … that was maybe more, people assuming I'm someone I'm not - I'd be crushed under the weight of it.

Withdrawing is a simple answer and I'm getting there. More and more every day a little piece of me retreats. Today was maybe my worst day yet. We've been back in school for six days. Jess has only been home for four. She spent the entire winter break in California with her mother's side of the family. The day she was scheduled to come home her uncle took a turn for the worse so they stayed a few days extra. As far as I know, he's still in the hospital holding on. But that could have changed; it's hard to say when the two of us have barely spoken.

She called me the day she was supposed to fly home in tears over the whole thing. When she finally did return to school we hugged tightly. I was able to console her over it all, but our conversation faded once that was out of the way. From what I can tell, Gil is very attentive, and she's always with him. But that's fine, I'm happy for her. I just miss her.

I tried to tell her today, I hung around outside the cafeteria waiting for her before lunch. When I spotted her rounding the corner with Gil, smiling and laughing, it lifted my heart. For the first time in weeks I felt something other than gloomy. I smiled without thinking and waved her over. We greeted each other and I asked if we could talk, she seemed to know what I was going to say, her expression turning a bit sad.

Before she was able to respond, Rosalie strolled over, handing me a small plastic bag. "Here are your clothes Bella. They've been in my car forever, I just kept forgetting. And you can give me my dress back whenever." I took the bag from her, marveling at her timing.

Jess watched the exchange with trepidation, until Rosalie gripped my wrist and smile.

"Thanks again for coming to the party Bella," she had said so simply. And it seemed genuinely kind as if she was truly glad I showed up.

Jess' face changed then, her expression going hard. Rosalie was already gone in the time it took Jess to hook her arm into Gil's and force a smile. "Today's not a good day for me, but we'll talk. Soon."

I didn't go into the cafeteria; instead, I went out to my car and tried to release the black energy that was collecting like mold inside me - growing everywhere. Try as I might, I couldn't force tears. I felt diluted and useless. A watered-down, numb version of myself.

In a last ditch effort I'm now waiting outside of Jess' car so that we can talk. If anything I will be able to say that I tried. We catch eyes when she's thirty feet or so away. She smiles up at Gil whose grip tightens around her hand. He's protective, I can appreciate that. She says something and he supplies her an unsure look, hesitating before he sighs and leans in for a quick kiss.

I wonder what she has said to him about me. The very idea that she has anything negative to say hurts like hell.

"Can we talk?" I ask, although it's very obvious why I'm waiting for her.

"Sure, get in," she smiles grimly.

"I want you to tell me what you expect me to do?" She exhales in a quick burst the second we're closed inside the car. "What would you do if you were in my shoes?"

"I don't know … I'd be there for you no matter-"

"You wouldn't do anything if I was being controlled against my will. Emotionally abused. _Physically_ abused Bella, because let's not forget that _that_ happened."

Her words are like tiny pin pricks stabbing into my skin, painful. I glance down at my arms, half expecting to see trails of blood. "I don't know," is all I can say.

"Yes you do but you've completely lost it Bella. The girl I used to know, the one who is the strongest woman I've ever known and wouldn't let anyone make decisions for her - she's gone. Bella, you've been through hell and back and survived. But now… it's like you've given up … I don't know when it happened exactly, but it kills me to see."

I can't look at her, but her voice is thick with tears now. My chin trembles, my chest tight.

"And that girl, _my_ Bella, wouldn't stand by and watch me go through something without at least trying to do something; anything she could. So you can't expect any less of me."

"I don't - you've been … helpful."

"No, you don't want help. You've tied my hands and I can't anymore, I just can't."

"Jess…"

"You went to her party?" She interrupts, complete disbelief evident. I feel ashamed.

"You don't understand, I wasn't going because I wanted to. I had Billy's son, Jake, and he begged me and-"

"So it was yet another thing you were forced to do?"

I nod, it sounds so ridiculous put that way. What _was_ I thinking going to that party?

Jess pulls in a cleansing breath, trying to calm herself. "I need you to understand," she begins softly. It sounds like a goodbye. I dig my fingernails into her cloth seat and look at her finally. She looks defeated, resigned. It's the worst thing I've ever seen.

"I would do anything for you. Stand by you through anything - you know that right?"

I nod pressing my lips together to keep from whimpering.

"I just can't stand by you when you are doing it to yourself."

Tears spill over because she's just verbalized what I've thought a million times. The words spoke aloud mean so much more. It makes it real.

"I'm not trying to … I don't know what to do."

She frowns, fighting back her own tears. "Yes you do. You just don't want to do it. For whatever reasons you've built up in your head - or whatever stupid hold Jasper has over you, you just won't."

I run my sleeve across my upper lip, wiping my nose. "I'm s-sorry Jess."

She loses the battle, a few renegade tears slipping down her cheeks. "I'm sorry too. When you're ready to talk to your dad I'll be there for you, I promise."

With that my friendship with Jess hits an impasse. She's not saying it out-right, but we're done until I can pull my shit together. My shoulders slump as I turn without another word. The biggest piece of me yet slipping away.

I step out into the bitter mid-January weather. The sky is as gloomy as my heart feels. Jess' words hover in the back of my mind painfully. I've lost my last ally. Someone brushes past me knocking my backpack from my shoulder. It hits the perpetually damp concrete with a dull thud. I don't even glance up to see who it is and whoever they are they don't see the need to be polite.

I need an escape; a release from the death grip bad luck has on my life. I think of my mother, her idea of escape. For the first time I feel like I might understand, but that thought is quickly evaporated with the same odd mixture of grief and anger that's always associated with thinking about her.

I could never do that to Charlie. _How else? _My subconscious whimpers. My brain rattles, thoughts flying too fast but somehow it all feels too slow. With a quick scoop of my backpack back onto my shoulder I walk away from the parking lot, past my car and down the street.

I'm not sure where I'm going, I'm just going. It's better to be on foot. I'm afraid if I got in my car I'd drive until I ran out of gas. After walking for a long while my feet slow when I reach a spot where the woods give way to a small field. The opening is tiny; if you were driving you'd most certainly miss it.

Chin tucked tight against my chest, I wander into the open area. Toward the back there is old playground equipment. It's all metal, rusted and mostly broken. The grass is over grown, yellowing from the cold winter months; melted patches of snow scattered like lumpy polka dots.

A weathered sign behind the equipment says Meadow Park, half the letters chipped almost completely away. The only reason I can read it is because of the faded outline of the wood around them.

I knew there was an old church that used to be somewhere near here. It was the church my parents were married in, but I'd never seen it. It burnt down when I was only three. It was called Meadow Baptist, this park was probably part of the church.

Glancing around again I notice for the first time a dirt road that is mostly overgrown leading from the main road. This place has a calming energy, or maybe my numbness is taking over. Either way I feel a bit more composed. I find an old merry-go-round in the back corner. Its metal once painted red is only evident by the chipping flakes that speckle its body. I push my foot against it, a loud squeal emits from its middle when the platform moves just a bit. It's a familiar sound, like being a kid again playing after school. I push it again the metal squealing louder in protest before it quiets and turns more easily.

Grabbing two handle bars, I still the old beast. Dropping my backpack onto the ground behind me I grip the bars again firmly and push with my entire body, breaking into a jog as I do.

The platform spins, gears whining but in the way they're supposed to. I jump on holding tightly as I spin. The world whirls around me blurring into watercolors. I lean dropping my head back as far as I can, exposing my face to the sky. Wind rushes against my skin; fresh, cold air fills my lungs until it burns. And for a moment I escape. The merry-go-round slows, my eyes slide closed, my head lulling to the side. Breathing slowly my fingers tingle a bit. I flex them against the cool metal, managing a smile.

"Wanna go again?"

The voice cuts through the silence causing me to jump and spin, losing my footing. I fall forward with a sharp gasp.

"Whoa, you okay?"

Bracing my hands on his shoulders, Edward grips my arms to steady me as I step down. "Yeah thanks."

"I didn't mean to startle you." He looks away quickly. "Sorry, that was rude."

"No, it's fine," I insist, in utter disbelief that he's standing here. "What are you doing here?"

He shrugs. "I don't know … what are you doing here?" He challenges.

"Touché."

He doesn't say anymore but stands still not making any moves to leave. Slouching down against the metal, I sit on the platform and pull my backpack between my knees; staring off into the trees.

He joins me quietly, following my gaze but doesn't prod. We sit like this for some time in amicable silence. It's nice, effortless, carrying the same natural ease our interactions normally do when there are no walls present. As raw as I feel right now I don't think I could maintain any sort of wall anyway. It's easy to allow my mind to wander.

I look over my shoulder at him finally, speaking my mind without hesitation. "Have you ever stared into a puddle but focused on the reflection of the sky instead?"

Slowly Edward lifts his eyes to my chin, his expression even. With a smooth quirk of his brow and corner of his lip - as if they were connected on a thin wire - his face shifts. It's different than I've experienced as of late; playful and soft. "Have you ever smoked pot because …," he trails.

"Ha, ha. No. I'm serious." My gaze runs along the out-stretching line of trees across the field, following the slope upward toward the graying sky that blankets the tree tops. Floating away as I speak my mind drifts, unfiltered. "If you adjust your focus it's like a mirror reflecting back the oddly beautiful bluing grays above. It's easy to forget that under that glassy surface is muck and dirt, something ugly."

"Is this some 'beauty is only skin deep' message or are you actually just musing about puddles?"

My attention snaps back to him, I shrug shrinking into my oversized hoodie. "No, just an observation."

He doesn't seem satisfied by my answer, gnawing on the inside of his lip with a thoughtful tilt to his head. He's avoiding eye contact; the easy atmosphere slipping away behind a rising wall. A feeling stirs deep inside me, a dark bubble of anger. It's the place I shove all my frustrations, my ignoring place. The idea that anything has taken Edward away from me … even the chance of Edward… makes my blood simmer.

Watching his face I can feel it. He wants to say _something_. But he won't and that makes me hate him for being such a coward. _You are the biggest of them all…_ my subconscious bites back. I flinch just barely.

_Ask me_, I urge wordlessly. _Ask me again if I feel it too; why I'm with Jasper._ Predictable and utterly boyish to a fault, he says nothing. Disappointment ebbs away my anger.

"It's just a reminder that things aren't always what they seem," I finally relent, standing with a sigh. "I gotta go."

Backpack pulled tight to my shoulder my feet move on auto pilot. I never look back but for the first time in months I can feel his eyes on me.

xx

The field is easy enough to find again. Although I had never noticed it in the entire three-plus years I'd been attending Forks High, I'd never _not_ notice it now. On foot again, I pace my steps evenly over the squishy ground. Most of the snow has melted leaving random puddles where the ground dips just the slightest bit.

It's a warmer day for January in Washington. Yesterday's clouds were nothing but a threat, one of the rare days where no precipitation actually happens. I eye the clouds which hang that much lower today, wondering if it could snow at this temperature.

I'm not sure why I've returned to the field but I'm here nonetheless. Dropping my backpack on a higher patch of golden grass I crawl onto the merry-go-round laying flat on my back in the center.

Staring up at the clouds I squint attempting to find the cracks. There aren't any, just a thick wall of gloom so I close my eyes. My fingers trace the diamond-shaped plating on the platform counting the little shapes mindlessly.

"I come here to clear my head," Edward's voice says softly. I sigh to myself trying to decide if it's real or if I've conjured a memory. My eyes stay closed; the whine of metal fills the air before I can feel the motion as my body turns in a circle. I don't respond, my eyes stay closed for fear that it will be a dream.

"Not all the time, just when I can't stop thinking," he finishes, his words barely breaking through the whir of wind against my ears.

The motion slows then stops. The platform dips to my left as Edward sits on the edge like the day before. "What can't you stop thinking about?"

"You," he replies so softly I'm not sure I hear him correctly. Against my better instincts my eyes pop open. He's staring right at me, completely real and completely unabashed until I sit up and then he turns away.

I stare at the back of his head for a moment, lost for words. There are so many things I could ask him. So many things I could address. So many things I could confess. But I'm terrified. Jess was right - I don't want to. I haven't the faintest clue why the prospect of telling terrifies me. But I have to give him _something_; my entire being screams to let him it.

_Just let him in._

"My mother died when I was thirteen." It rolls off my tongue with jagged edges.

His whole body visibly tenses. "Bella, I know… you don't have to-"

"No, please. I want to. I don't … I don't talk about it ever."

He glances over his shoulder with a quick nod so I continue.

"She committed suicide." I pause, letting the words settle in. His head snaps in my direction, a look of pity and shock washing over him.

It was speculated, most people in Forks thought maybe that she had killed herself, but other than Jessica and my father I've never vocalized the fact to anyone. It was kept quiet out of respect for my father, and I had kept the secret more so for selfish reasons. I hadn't even ever admitted it to the countless shrinks I'd seen.

"Bella…" he trails.

"She had a miscarriage a year before and was never the same after. She was always a free spirit. That happening just killed her inside. She was dead long before she actually took her own life." I surprise myself with my candidness. That's something I've thought but never told anyone. Not even Jess. I'd lost my mother well before she was gone.

"I'm so sorry Bella," he says softly. He's turned his body, tucking his legs underneath and facing me completely.

I shrug. "Thank you."

His forehead wrinkles into a frown. "You don't ever think about…" he begins but lets the sentence fall away. I know what he means; heat warms my cheeks causing me to have to look away.

"No," I whisper an answer though it's not a complete truth.

"I'm sorry I didn't mean to… it's just that…uggh," he grunts gripping the back of his neck, embarrassed, eyes cast downward. "You just seem so sad anymore," he finally offers.

He still pays attention, even if I'm not. My heart beats heavy though I can't tell if it's from sadness or elation.

I want to ask him about Rosalie. I want to tell him I saw them and not just at the party. Since then I've seen them a handful of times socializing like old friends. It's no secret that since the senior one acts Edward's reputation has shifted within Forks High. Not that I think he's changed much, he's just more accepted now. But being someone like Rosalie Hale's friend seems a stretch for him.

"My life's really screwed up right now."It's the closest I've come to admitting anything. I wait with baited breath to see if he'll press the issue. He doesn't.

Gripping his ankles, he pulls his knees to his chest. "I never knew my mother," he sacrifices the information like an offering. One bit of honesty traded for another. I'm surprised by the news, I know very little about his family life. All I know is that he was adopted when he was a baby. I don't speak, just look up patiently, waiting to see how much he's willing to give.

"She was … sick."

"I'm sorry Edward," I reply softly.

"No, she wasn't sick… that's not true I shouldn't lie."

I swallow thickly at the word.

"She was a meth addict. We were taken from her by the state. I'm not sure where she is now - if she's even alive." He sounds so detached as he talks like he's reciting a report. I wonder how badly he really hurts.

"We?" I ask.

He smiles sadly. "I have a twin sister."

"Oh," I say shocked. The sorrow I felt for him tripling. "What happened to her?"

I regret asking immediately. He looks away again and I decide I don't think I'll be able to bear it if he says something awful happened to her. Especially if it was his mother's fault.

"We were split up when we got put into the system."

"They split you up? Can they even do that?"

"Yes they can, but we weren't supposed to be. They had to split us up when we went into foster care because they couldn't find a home with enough room for both of us. They were supposed to find a permanent home for both of us but someone screwed up the paper work and she was adopted first to a family that only wanted a baby girl."

"Oh, Edward, that's horrible." My voice shakes. I bite the inside of my cheek trying to control my tears.

One shoulder lifts in a shrug. "I don't remember any of it. I wasn't even one when I was adopted."

"Do you ever think about finding her?"

"Sometimes. I know her name is Alice and she might live in Oregon."

"So why don't you look for her?"

He shrugs again. "Not sure she wants to be found. It's kind of terrifying I guess."

"I can't even imagine."

He cracks a sideways smile that catches my breath. I stare like an idiot at his beautiful face. "Talk about uplifting conversation," he jokes.

I laugh loudly, the sound foreign. It's been so long since I've really laughed. "Yeah, sorry about that." I accept the blame for setting the tone of the conversation.

Tilting his head a bit his green eyes glow, a burst of vibrant color against the dull winter day. "Should we try for something easier?" He offers.

I sigh in relief. "God, yes."

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><p><strong>AN: *breathes out* Thanks so much for all the reviews, I love hearing what everyone thinks! xx Buff **


	15. Chapter 15

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight; all respective characters belong to SMeyer**

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><p>Edward and I don't talk about our time at Meadow Park. We stick to avoiding each other at school. Nothing has changed for better or worse, but my spirit feels ten times lighter compared to a week ago because every day we meet here, just him and me. It's our time, our own world. Having that to look forward to keeps me going.<p>

I wait quietly watching the sky that seems to never change. The warmer weather has stuck around, keeping the snow at bay. We've been fortunate enough to have the rain hold off every day until after the sun has gone down. As if the universe is giving us that gift of time. I don't know what it is, but I'll take it.

It's a bit chillier today, the air thick with moisture. Tucking my legs up into my jacket I hug my knees to my chest. The metal beneath me cold even through my jeans but I don't dare move. It's a gamble coming here but Edward hasn't disappointed me yet so I try not to think about it.

Rustling of a tree branch draws my attention across the field as his long form steps into the opening. A smile breaks across my face igniting warmth and lightness through me like the strike of a match.

He waves, taking no time at all to cross the field. I can't help watching him. He moves with such grace for having those long limbs. He pulls off his backpack, his jacket sliding down his arm with it. A bicep peaks out from under a short-sleeved shirt for a second, catching my eye. I swallow back the sudden need to touch his arm as he pulls the thick coat back onto his shoulder.

"So, where were we?" He asks, picking up right where we left off yesterday.

I can't help grinning. "You were trying to convince me that Christmas Vacation is the best out of the National Lampoon movies. Which, I might add, is a lost cause."

"Really?" He lifts both brows, gripping two handle bars and with one forceful push sets me in motion.

"Mhmm. You're never going to get me to agree that it's better than the original Vacation movie."

"Well, let's start with Russ, shall we?"

I narrow my eyes at his blurry, spinning form. "You can't tell me that _David_ was a better Russell than Anthony Michael Hall."

He stops the merry-go-round abruptly, leaning all his body weight toward me. "The actor is Johnny Galecki, he played David in Rosanne, and yes I can."

"Explain."

"It's simple. I can't stand Michael Anthony Hall."

The boldness of his statement makes it funny, mixed with his boyish expression makes him beyond adorable. I laugh. "Next you're going to tell me you hated The Breakfast Club."

He shrugs, smiling coyly; my mouth pops open. "You didn't like The Breakfast Club! That's like against the laws of nature or something!"

He chuckles, bracing his knee against the platform so he can run his hand through his hair. "You're ridiculous sometimes Bella."

"I am not," I huff.

"Are too," he retorts with all the maturity of a five-year-old.

I shove his arm lightly. "Am not."

He tumbles forward exaggeratedly. We both laugh and I lay down beside him. Our laughs fade into the icy breeze. It's quiet for a moment, both our gazes trained on the sky.

"Looks like rain," he mumbles.

"No, it won't rain."

Edward lifts his head, smirking at me. His playfulness makes my insides melt, I have to force myself not to reach for his face. To brush my fingers along his cheek… _what I wouldn't give._

"Since when did you become a weather girl?"

"I believe it is weather _person_," I contest, looking away from those piercing eyes. "And it hasn't rained in the afternoons in ten days. It'll hold off for us."

He quirks a brow. "For us?"

My face burns. "You know… for this.. I don't know," I cover my face. I'd just broken our silent rule about not speaking about it at all. I was stupid to say anything.

Peeking through my fingers at his expression, my stomach drops when I see it's serious. He hesitates before finally speaking. "How's Jasper?"

It's not meant to be nasty but the words lash at me like a whip. I suck in a breath. "I don't know how's Rosalie?" I can't stop the words before they come tumbling out and hate myself the second they do. "I didn't mean…"

He scowls at the metal platform, sitting up. "What are you talking about Bella?"

I cover my head again before sitting up. "Nothing, I'm sorry, forget it."

He decides for a moment before dropping his shoulders and fingering the metal surface, avoiding my gaze. "What are we doing Bella?"

Blood drains from my face. He's asked a question I was praying he would not. "Talking," I answer though I know it won't be good enough.

"I know that, and you know that's not what I meant." He waits, but I don't answer. "What did you mean about the puddle?" He tries again keeping his voice soft, barely above a whisper.

I shake my head, looking anywhere but at his face. "Edward…"

"You said your life is really shitty right now, I want to know why."

"I can't…"

"You've changed Bella. It makes me really sad, whenever I look at you it's like there's something missing."

My breathing stutters, I dig my nails into my palms. Raising my eyes to meet his I swallow hard. "Can I ask you a question?"

"Anything." He looks so deep into my gaze it's like I'm Emma again.

"How long have you been watching me?"

A shy smile rounds his mouth slightly. "Do you want the safe answer or the honest answer?"

"What's the difference?"

"The safe answer means you're not going to run screaming from this field. The honest answer means… well, that it's a distinct possibility that you will."

I know I won't so I shake my head. "Honest."

His adam's apple bobs as he braces for my reaction. "Since we were eight."

My eyes go wide. "What?" Never in a million years would I have imagined it was that long.

"That was the first year we had a class together," he offers, cheeks pink.

"Mrs. Wilde," I mumble to myself. "Ten years…?"

He palms the back of his neck, something I'm recognizing as a nervous habit. "Yeah… I know."

When my gaze meets his again his eyes are imploring. He's freaking out and he wants to know what I think.

"I don't know what to say … that's … I mean, that's amazing Edward."

"Pathetic…" he mutters dropping his eyes.

Inside me a feeling surges, one that is a constant when I'm around Edward. My eyes water with an unnamed emotion. "Do you remember when you asked me if I felt anything between us?"

He doesn't answer for a long time. I wait, willing to stay forever if it takes him that long. "Yes," he whispers at last.

I close my eyes, mustering every bit of strength inside of me. Honest. That is what he will get; if it means he asks me about Jasper then I will tell him everything.

"I do." I squeeze my eyes tightly together, a tear slips through. "Every time your eyes were on me I felt it. That night when we finally spoke it was everywhere, all around me, inside me. When you're not near me, or I see you and you're not watching me I mourn the loss of it."

My breathing is shallow, my heart racing inside my chest. Those are the most honest words I've spoken in months. I don't realize that I'm trembling until Edward's hands cup mine, stilling me. The feeling coils through my arms, relaxing my muscles immediately.

"My life _is_ really shitty right now Edward and I can't drag you into that. I don't want you to get hurt…"

"I don't know what you mean," he says so close now. I can feel his breath on my cheek.

Drawing in air, I open my eyes and answer before I lose my nerve. "I don't like Jasper."

Edward frowns at me, opening his mouth to respond just as a fat drop of rain plops against his cheek. We both look to the sky which opens up all at once like someone has ripped a hole there.

"Shit!" Edward exclaims.

I yank my backpack onto my shoulder and spring toward the main road.

"Bella!" Edward shouts over the splashing of water. I turn so he grabs my arm. "This way!" He shouts, pulling me in the opposite direction.

Doing my best to keep up, I slip twice, mud smearing all over the side of my jacket. The rain pelts down in freezing drops. Edward leads us through the line of trees. Not far from them there is a very small, old building hidden by thick over brush and trees.

We dash inside to find it completely pitched-black. I trip over something, stumbling forward into what I hope is Edward.

"Edward?" I whimper, bracing one hand against him and the other to my shin, which is now throbbing.

"I got you," he replies softly in my ear grasping my hand in his. The area is tiny, but I can't make out much more than that. We stand close, listening to the rain smack against the wooden structure. Somewhere in a back corner I can hear the plop, plop, plop of rain water leaking in.

I'm soaking wet, the right side of me hardening into concrete from mud. I peel my jacket off, glad that my shirt underneath is only damp. Edward copies me, pulling his jacket off as well. As soon as he does he grabs my hand again without question.

The atmosphere between us buzzes in the closed-in space. The air feels heavy in my lungs. I step closer subconsciously, my body humming louder the closer I get. It's cold without my jacket, I shiver. Edward snakes his arms around me, pulling me closer still.

Once my vision has adjusted I can see more around me though I'm only focused on what's in front of me. In the dim light I can make out the sharp outline of his jaw, the poutiness of his bottom lip. I allow my eyes to drink in his features slowly, the darkness making it easier to be bold.

His hands flatten against my back, our bodies scarcely press together. My hands run along his arms, fingers gliding into the hair at the base of his neck without thought. We trade breaths, eyes wandering along lips and cheeks and hair.

"I've watched you for so long … liked you for so long it shouldn't surprise me how perfectly you fit in my arms," he whispers slowly making my stomach twist in excited knots.

His skin smells of rain water and Edward; it saturates the air around me. His eyes are trained on my lips as his right hand lifts from my back to peel a strand of hair from my cheek. Slowly, as if he's afraid he will scare me away, his fingers smooth against my cheek. The tip of his pointer finger glides over the corner of my bottom lip as his hand slides effortlessly along my rain-soaked skin. Wrapping his fingers along my neck ever so gently, his thumb trails where his finger left off.

His touch is staggering, my entire body vibrates from it. Our noses touch just barely, he's so close now. Exhaling a shaky breath I part my lips. "Edward, I…"

His mouth closes around mine swiftly and it's the best way I've ever been told to shut up. He pulls my bottom lip between his, sucking softly before he grazes his teeth just barely against the sensitive skin.

My lips smolder deliciously from the gentle kiss; I don't dare breathe, body ridged from shock. It's unbelievable that Edward Cullen is kissing me. My eyes are locked on his face unable to close because the look, _good lord_, his expression sets me on fire. His eyes stay closed, dark lashes fanning across flushed cheeks, lips still slightly puckered.

He sucks in air before he presses his mouth to mine again, tentative this time but when I relax into him automatically his mouth melts to mine fully. It's a slow, paced kiss that ruins every other kiss I've ever experience and surely every one to come. My head swims with it, fingers twist into his hair. Water runs down my knuckles. I pull him closer never wanting it to end.

Tilting my head I part my lips allowing the heat of our mouths to mingle, anticipation building. The tip of my tongue glides along his bottom lip just so. Fingers press into my back, his body shivers. His tongue snakes out to meet mine, dancing gracefully together.

He swallows my moan, hands gripping tighter before he pulls back suddenly, pressing his forehead to mine. "Do you know how long I've wanted to do that? Me kissing you, and not because of some stupid play," he growls.

"How long?" I whisper in a pant.

He leans his head back, gazing into my eyes. I tighten my hold around his neck, afraid my knees may give under the intensity. "It seems like all my life," he sighs, a smile cresting his swollen lips.

Tipping onto my toes, I don't waste another second. Our lips meet again. The feeling it generates is both the most natural and the most earth shattering. The world dissolves into lips and warm breaths, the rain only a distant white noise that I barely register softening over time.

I can't say how long we stay this way, only that neither of us wants to end it. But someone has to. Slowly, Edward releases my lips, straightening. His eyes open drinking me in as they do.

It's increasingly harder to breathe under his stare, I struggle to remember how. "Say something," he whispers.

I swallow thickly, lost in his face, wanting his lips on mine again. "You have freckles," I murmur, making the observation for the first time. There are just a few, and they are the smallest dots littering his skin, hardly visible.

My body shakes against a sharp gust of wind that slices through the small shack. Edward leans down placing a final feather-light kiss against my forehead. "We should get out of here before you get sick."

I quirk a brow, drunk on him and feeling loose. "Oh? And you are impervious to the cold I suppose?"

He flashes a wide grin, my heart skips a beat. "I'm not worried about myself."

His hair is still damp trickling drops of water down his cheek and neck. The strongest urge to lick them up pulls deep but I don't have the guts. Instead I grab his hand lacing my fingers in his.

When we step outside the rain has quieted to an incremental drizzle. Hands hugged tightly together, we walk briskly back through the line of trees. Glancing over my shoulder, I snag a better look at the structure which appears to be a shed.

"How did you know about the shed?" I ask breathlessly, trying to keep up with Edward's long strides.

"I told you I come here to clear my head."

It's freezing now, the rain pushing in a cold front with it. I haven't bothered to put my jacket back on; my teeth chatter together. Edward runs his thumb over my knuckles, glancing down at me with sympathy.

"I'd offer you my jacket but it's…"

"Th-that's okay, thank you."

We pick up the pace, following the road now back to the school parking lot. We're not far now. My feet move quicker at the promise of a warm car. By the time we reach the parking lot I'm all but running. I can see my car up ahead and the rain is picking up again. Edward holds his jacket above us as cover though water splashes at us from puddles soaking us regardless. Once we reach my car he hesitates for a moment. Rain water runs down my face, outlining my nose and eyes. He hovers, a question on his face.

"Get in," I call over the hiss of the rain.

He obeys without reservation, looking almost relieved. The second I slide into the driver's seat I jam the key into the ignition. The engine roars to life and I crank the heat, shivering uncontrollably.

"S-so it looks like you were right," I chuckle through quaking limbs.

He smiles sadly, reminding me that we're not in our world anymore. This is reality now and he has things on his mind. I gulp back nervous energy that seizes my entire body. I could cry, I don't want anything to ruin what has happened today but I know he needs answers. I'm supposed to be Jasper's girlfriend and the only explanation I've offered him is that I don't like him.

"Edward?"

His attention is locked on an air vent, face turned away. "Will you tell me?" Is all he asks. So quiet, so simple and yet the resulting answer is an imposable weight on my chest. _I said I would if he asked. Yes, I have to. _I remind myself.

Looking out the window past the beading rain water I stare into nothing, taking a deep breath. "Jasper and I aren't dating."

The words hang in the air; he doesn't respond as if he's listening to them over and over in his head. I don't dare look at him.

"I don't understand…" he finally responds.

"Do you want the safe answer or the honest answer?" I reply, repeating his words from earlier.

He thinks for a beat before responding. "Honest."

"Okay. But I have to start from the beginning, and you have to promise to just listen."

He nods, eyes fixed on the dashboard in front of him. I close mine, going back to Halloween night. The memory is still raw, it's evident in my voice as I recall what happened.

The atmosphere shifts when I speak about Jasper's hands on me, his forceful kisses. My voices waivers when I say I tried to tell him to stop; as if I'm pleading. Like I'm in the moment again and I can make him stop this time. I pause long enough to peek at Edward's expression before I can continue. What I see sends a nervous jolt through me. His face is steely, jaw taunt with anger.

"I think Jasper was scared," I offer not sure why I would try to tamper the story at all. He needs no excuses from me.

I jump when Edward's hand clasps over mine as I talk about Jasper's threats. My gaze shoots to his, his green orbs plead with me. He wants to say something but I've started and I need to just get this out so I continue.

I tell him about the other kids at school, how I've been treated as a result. I tell him about Jasper's threats to him. I tell him about how badly I treated Jess, that I pushed her away. I tell him about Rosalie's role in it all.

I tell him about Ben.

It's the first time I've voiced any words about it. Tears burn my cheeks suddenly. My body shakes although the heat is on full blast now.

By the time I'm finished, Edward has his arms wrapped tightly around me. My face buried in his shoulder. I sob silently, releasing anger and pity and anguish in those tears. For the first time in so many months I feel safe. Despite stripping myself of everything, I'm completely exposed to Edward but it feels so right.

"Shhhh…" he hushes me sweetly, pushing hair from my forehead and running his fingers through my scalp. It's soothing, calming me bit by bit.

"My God Bella," he finally whispers. "I can't imagine what you've felt like. I'm … I don't know what to say. I'm stunned."

Despite myself, a smile turns my mouth slightly. "You have no idea how good it feels to tell someone," I gush, releasing a heavy puff of air.

His lips press into my temple, then my cheek, over my eye, the corner of my mouth. "I'm so sorry Bella."

"It's not your fault, none of it, you don't have anything to be sorry for."

He leans back, gaze penetrating me so deeply. "Aside from the fact that if it weren't for me you could have just told Jasper to fuck off? I _am_ sorry because you don't deserve to go through anything remotely close to this, and … I'm sorry because someone should be."

Blinking back more tears, I attempt to smile again. His eyes dance between mine before he presses his lips to my forehead.

"He's going to be," he growls under his breath. I don't think he meant to say it aloud; it's alarming, the anger in his voice.

I pull back, gripping his wrists. "Edward, you have to swear to me you won't do anything."

His teeth clench, mouth setting in a firm, straight line.

"Edward, please?" I beg, my eyebrows dipping in concern.

"Bella I can't just sit by…"

Rolling my eyes with a sigh, throwing my head back; it hits the window with a dull thud. "You sound like Jess," I groan.

Warm hands cup my face, pulling it back up until I'm washed in green.

"Maybe she was right Bella," he prods softly.

More tears, I'm so sick of tears. "Please Edward. If you got hurt because of me I couldn't live with myself."

He sighs running his thumbs over the apples of my cheeks, drying them. "What do you want to do then Bella?"

"Let me talk to him."

He shakes his head immediately no. "You said you've talked to him a dozen times and it's only gotten worse."

"I know, but I feel different now." And I do, having Edward to lean on; just the fact that he knows the truth makes me feel a million times stronger.

Edward looks skeptical. "He deserves to be in jail for what he's done," he says his voice grinding with fury.

"He needs help," I offer sadly and an idea hits me. "I'll tell him I'm going to file charges, unless he agrees to get help. I'll tell him you know - tell him I'm going to tell my dad."

The muscles along his jaw flex again, his eyebrows furrow in anger. "Fine." The ice in his voice sends shivers down my spine; his face positively lethal.

"But I want to be there when you talk to him."

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><p><strong>AN: So happy to write Edward/Bella time, you have no idea. Your reviews make me sappy stupid, **_**thank you**_**. xx Buff **


	16. Chapter 16

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight; all respective characters belong to SMeyer**

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><p>"So tomorrow?"<p>

Edward's voice is muffled through the phone. He sounds tired and scruffy. I imagine him stretched out on a bed; hair tousled every which way, eyes closed. A grin stretches my lips wide but I roll my eyes. _I'm so freaking smitten by this boy. _Then I remember what he's talking about. My face falls.

"Um. Yup."

"Are you sure you don't want to tell your dad? Maybe he can-"

"What show up to school and embarrass me to death? No thank you."

"Yeah, okay." He yawns.

"Can we stop talking about this though? My brain hurts; I'd like to get off the see-saw please."

He chuckles low, the sound buzzing my ear. It tickles like crazy. "I'm sorry. See-saw?"

Heavy with sleep, I allow my eyes to fall closed. "Because today was amazing and then you keep shoving this horrible _thing_ I have to do in my face and it totally kills my high," I mumble rolling onto my side.

He doesn't respond at first and then the faint sound of laughter crescendos quietly.

"Stop laughing at me."

"I'm not laughing _at_ you," he chortles. "It's just you're sort of adorable."

My insides drool into a pile of goo. "What like a puppy?" I quip, perpetual unable to accept a complement properly.

"If puppies are cute in a way that makes your heart squeeze when you think about them… then yes."

_Dear Mr. Cullen, you're killing me softly. _ The smile on my lips is most likely permanent. Laying flat on my back makes it easier to contain my internal squeal. "Shut your mouth," I giggle.

"What did I do now?"

"You're just always saying the right things," I sigh. Talking over the phone makes it easier to say what I really mean.

"I'll try to get better at saying the wrong things," he deadpans.

Sticking my tongue out even though he can't see it seems an appropriate response. I am weightless. With Edward everything clicks. Although I'm not stupid; I know things aren't going to be easy, but it hardly feels like that matters. The song I Believe I Can Fly starts playing in my head. If I didn't think it would frighten him or burst his eardrum I'd sing it out loud. I'm that giddy.

"Bella?"

"Hm?"

"Today was pretty amazing, wasn't it?"

"Yes," I sigh again, thinking about his kisses. Fingers find my lips automatically as the phantom feeling of his mouth ghosts across them. I start to drift lying here eyes closed, body entirely relaxed, Edward in my ear. Recalling the afternoon feels like a dream.

"Bella?" His chuckles pull me back to the surface.

"Hm?" I hum again, too lazy to move my mouth.

"Did you hear me?"

"Nope," I slur lazily.

"I said maybe you should get some sleep."

Pouting, my face slumps into a frown. "I don't want to."

"Says the girl who was just sleeping."

"But I want to keep talking to you," I try to whine but a yawn engulfs most of my words.

"Go to sleep Bella. I'll see you … in my dreams."

Stupid laughter erupts from my chest rolling off my lips in a garbled mess. "And you say I'm ridiculous! Did you earn a proper degree at a clown college or are your skills purely experience based?"

"Degree actually, but I do have a good deal of experience being an idiot."

This goofy side is so different to the pensive, lurky guy he comes off as on the outside; which make it all the better.

"Not an idiot. Dork, yes. Idiot, no."

"Thank you," he replies in a way that I know his green eyes are crinkling into a grin. "I'll see you in a few hours."

"Goodnight, Edward." The muscles in my cheeks hurt from smiling, it's a good pain.

"Sweet dreams, Bella."

The line goes dead. The sound of Edward's dulcet voice humming my name plays over and over in my head until I fall into a blissful sleep.

xx

Forks High looks so different to me today. The building itself seems to be smiling. Temperatures fell over night, puddles froze, and rain drops turned to snow. The bricks stand out boldly, a stark contrast to the new white world. I notice that the reds and sandy tones jump out more against the white making the school appear refreshed. Vibrant. Or maybe I am just projecting.

"Hey Bella."

"Hey Mike," I smile genuinely. He's standing by my locker, hands shoved in his pockets looking so beautifully normal that I could hug him. Again, I can't help thinking maybe I'm just seeing things differently today.

"You look good," he smiles. "Happy."

"Thanks," I beam back. "I feel good today."

He hesitates for a fraction of a second like he wants to say something but changes his mind.

"So are you coming to the game today?"

"Game?" I frown.

"The basketball game... I'm starting this time. I thought you and Jess might want to come..."

His expression is like I've just killed his puppy. God, I hadn't thought about attending any sporting events in months, let alone kept up with how our school was doing with any of them.

I'd completely forgotten Mike even played basketball; which is shameful because he started playing in fourth grade, the same year Jess and I thought it would be fun to do cheerleading.

We ended up cheering for his team and the three of us would carpool to games. Jess and I hated it, but we loved spending time with Mike at least. It was how we really became friends with him. Jess and I always made a point to go to what games we could after that even though cheerleading was a short lived activity for us both. We just weren't cut out for such a sport. I simply wasn't coordinated enough and Jess didn't like having to be so perky.

"Oh, god Mike, I'm sorry. I wasn't thinking. Of course I'd love to come."

His face relaxes. "Great, 7:20 – our gym."

"You're on varsity this year?" I smile proudly.

"Yeah," he nods with a self-deprecating laugh. "I think Coach Morgan was feeling sorry for me is all."

"But you're starting!" I smack his arm excitedly.

"Yeah," he beams, rubbing the spot.

"That's great! I wouldn't miss it."

"Awesome."

The warning bell rings causing him to take a step away.

"See ya later Mike," I wave, hooking my backpack onto my shoulder and shutting my locker.

"Okay, see ya. Oh, and Bella?"

"What's up?" I pause, half turned toward my next class.

"It's good to have you back." He says quickly before turning and striding away in his happy, dopey Mike kind of way. I stand in my spot listening to the final bell sound. The ring of sadness that has strangled my heart for so long loosens a bit more. I allow more happy to seep in. _It feels good Mike_, I think.

By lunchtime I realize one crucial problem with talking to Jasper today – he's absent. I didn't even notice until Physics that he hadn't been there this morning to walk me to class. Even after class started I was happily following along taking notes, oblivious. Then it hit me that I was relaxed, paying attention instead of looking over my shoulder every five seconds.

As much as I am dreading how things are going to go down, I also just want to get it over with. I haven't seen Edward today yet either so I have no clue if he's aware Jasper's not here, and I'm afraid for what he'll want to do. I most certainly did not want to show up on Jasper's doorstep with Edward. It being Friday wasn't making matters much better.

Preoccupied by my sudden issue, I head for the cafeteria in a foggy tunnel of

concern and irritation. I'm not paying attention when a hand grabs my wrist and yanks me into a doorway. I clamp my eyes shut and yelp loudly, completely caught off guard.

Warm lips assault my mouth, swallowing my outcry. Fingers touch my cheek as a tongue glides over my lips. My whole body loosens into a sigh. _Edward_. His fingers rake into my scalp at the base of my neck, tilting my head back with them. His tongue slips between my lips as they open gently. He tastes sweet and salty from what he's eaten at lunch. With a hint of something ... lemons?

Humming against his mouth I'm lost for a moment. Entirely consumed by him. His smell, his warm body close to me, his mouth fitting so perfectly to mine. I would stay there forever if he wanted. So when he pulls away, cool air grating at my lips I frown, keeping my eyes closed.

He presses his forehead to mine like he had yesterday in the shed. I think of the sound of rain battering the old wood and the look on his face. My eyes open because I can't stand not seeing his anymore. It's much brighter than the shed reminding me that we're in school. Though our bubble seems impenetrable when he's with me, I know we can still be seen.

"What are you doing," I pant, gripping his hand that still holds my head.

His eyes smolder; green flames flickering brightly. "What I've wanted to do every day of my life since I was eight years old. Because I can." His mouth twist to the side, a smirk that curls my stomach and toes all at once.

"Oh," I reply stupidly, adorning a goofy smile to match. I have to physically shake my head to snap out of the moment, because my lunch period has started and who knows who just saw us. Only with the way that he's looking at me it's hard to care very much.

"Someone's going to see," I mumble weakly. There's not much effort there, part of me recognizes we are in a hallway that's typically seldom trafficked, the rest of me just doesn't give a shit.

He glances over his shoulder just barely before shrugging. "Let them."

Slipping his free fingers into the belt loop of my jeans, he presses me into the door recapturing my mouth hungrily_._ His pinky hardly graces my hip bone, disintegrating the skin there and sending shock waves through me.

My fingers curl into his shirt, gripping the cotton fabric the lays against his stomach. I float away with the kiss. When he pulls back again his face is gorgeous, lips pink and well used.

"Did you have lemons with your lunch?"

"Lemonade," he grins.

The halls are completely quiet, again reminding me that we can't stay. "Ugh, I gotta go," I huff.

Lips brush against my cheek, the softest tickle of a kiss that drives me insane. My whole body wants those kisses. For the first time in my life I feel this intense lust, wanting parts of him in parts of me that are very unexplored. A small panicky voice suddenly wonders if Edward is a virgin. His kisses are so passionate...so perfectly good in every way.

"I'll find you after last period," he whispers against my skin. My muscles quiver for more reasons than the chill he sends bounding down my back.

xx

After the unexpected attack of kisses the rest of my day has been a giant slug, squirming along at a laughable pace. All I want is more of what I got earlier. All I can think about is Edward. He is frustratingly distracting. My mind obsesses about things like what he might think of how I kiss. He seems so practiced I begin to worry maybe I'm not up to par.

During a review of economic terms in government I decide he's like a kissing ninja which makes me giggle to myself too loudly, catching the attention of the teacher. I have to hide my paper where I've been doodling Edward's name and an assortment of happy faces and hearts. _Oh my god, someone make me stop being such a girl – damn you Cullen._

The end of the day mercifully comes at last. Standing at my locker, I shove every book I have inside leaving my backpack empty. With nothing more to do I lean against the bay of metal scanning the crowd for Edward. When I finally find him, I straighten, taken a back by how much taller he is than everyone else. I mean, I knew that, but watching him now, walking straight for me - eyes fixed where I stand, he looks different. In fact, he's never looked so sexy. I swallow hard, insides twisting with an indescribable excitement. Just because he's near.

"Hey," he smiles brilliantly.

"Hey."

Unconsciously I tip onto my toes, but he doesn't lean in for a kiss. Disappointed, I sink back to flattened feet.

"So what are we going to do... I heard he's not here today."

Chewing the inside of my lip, my attention draws over his shoulder to a group of students rushing to get outside. "I don't know, I need to think about it... maybe we just wait till Monday?"

He grimaces, eyebrows scrunching together. "I don't know. I wish we could just get this over with."

"I know me too."

"I don't like hiding," he adds with a grunt.

_That's all I've been doing_, I think morosely. But I'm done with that. "I hate it," I reply honestly.

"Well," he sighs. "I'm not going to push you either way, I know this isn't going to be easy to deal with. But I still want to be there when it happens."

"Okay." I supply a small smile.

"So what are you doing tonight?"

We start walking slowly toward the front doors, arms hanging at our sides – mirrored body language. My attention goes to his fingers that press awkwardly into his legs. "Tonight? Um... I'm … is there something wrong with your hands?" I motion to them.

He chuckles a no, leaning in secretively. "I'm fighting the urge to take your hand," he whispers with a smirk.

My cheeks flush, I have to look away. "Tonight," I repeat flustered. "Oh! Wanna go to a basketball game?"

"You want to go to the game?"

"Yeah, why not?"

He considers for a beat, shrugging finally. "Nothing I guess. If you don't think it will be some big conspiracy for us to be seen together there. I'd love to go."

Wiggling my brows I nudge my shoulder into him. "What's a Friday night in Forks without a little scandal?"

We've reached my car successfully. I didn't notice anyone any gawking or whispering and pointing at us, so that's a good sign.

"Can I pick you up? Maybe we can grab some food before?"

I gasp, pressing my hand to my chest in faux shock. "Is that like... a _date_?"

He smiles, but it's not reflected in his eyes. Despite our revelatory experience yesterday, we've obviously not talked about what we are, if we're anything at all. Maybe it was a bad idea to mention the word date...

"I'd really like that," he finally says softly.

I immediately feel bad for our situation again. It's easy to be blinded by our momentary happiness, but the reality is that we have a huge hurtle to surmount. In the back of my mind I wonder if it wouldn't be better for us to wait until the slate is clean.

"I would too..." I offer, unsure what to say. _But we can't really, not yet. I want you but can't have you yet. I hate Jasper Hale with every fiber of my being._ Nothing I could say would make things better, I can't change what is. I can only be proactive. Part of me leans toward the decision that waiting until Monday is not the best course of action.

Dread begins to sift away, resolve taking it's place. "You know though, I think dinner sounds good," I smile. His expression lifts, a weight evaporating with it. The smile returns to his eyes.

"Great, I'll pick you up at six then?"

"Six. Okay."

He supplies me one last smile before turning on his heel.

"What? No ninja kiss?" I huff half to myself not really expecting him to react but he spins around, eyebrow drawn up tall.

"No what kisses?" He quips stalking toward me. Bracing his hands on either side of my body against my car, he waits patiently.

"Ninja," I squeak softly, shrinking away.

He laughs quietly, shaking his head. "Silly girl."

My face is hot with embarrassment. I'm about to tell him to forget it; that I was kidding anyway, when Edward grabs a quick look over his shoulder then like lightning he moves; his lips on mine and gone in an instant. My mouth forms an o, fingers touch where his lips just were, a kiss stolen so sweetly. Words escape me.

"See you at six," he murmurs happily before turning to leave.

"Bye," I say finally regaining speech but he's already across the parking lot.

Sinking into my car, I glance around, wondering how no one saw that. The lot is still pretty full and I'm parked smack dab in the middle. Yet no one spared us a side-ways glance. The thrill that we could have been caught is not lost on me.

My drive home is the happiest drive home from school I've had all year. When I walk through the door and drop my keys on the small table there I grin wide for no reason. If I could bottle this feeling of lightness and sell it I'd be a millionaire.

The remainder of the afternoon is spent picking through clothes; hating everything that I own. I contemplate calling Jess a few times but decide that's a conversation better had in person.

I don't think calling and saying '_Hey remember how I made you worry and ignored your advice for months? Well, I told Edward everything and he told me the same things you did and now I'm going to take that advice. Because Edward said it.' _At least I am positive no matter what I say to her that's what she will hear. Part of me also wants to tell her after I've told Jasper off. Go to her with a resolved outcome, not another '_I'm going to do this'_.

By 5:45 I'm finally dressed and primped to the extent that I primp. Which really means I brushed my hair and put lip gloss on. A cream short sleeved peasant top with buttons will have to do along with my standard jeans and navy keds. The shirt is actually one of my favorites. I stole it from Jess our freshmen year after borrowing it to attend out first football game. It's nice but not too dressy and totally comfortable so I refused to give it back until she finally just gave it to me. It's not like she doesn't have plenty of my things hanging in her closet though so I look at it as a fair trade.

I really miss her. This is the longest we've gone without daily communication in … probably our entire lives. Lost in thought about my best friend, time slips away and before I know it the door bell rings.

I jump up running to answer it despite the fact that Charlie isn't home yet. Edward standing on my front stoop is not something I hadn't particularly dreamt about but the sight is nothing short of wonderful. He cracks an intoxicating grin the second I open the door. Dressed in a grayish blue henley that outlines his silhouette perfectly he looks … hot as hell.

"Hi."

"Hello," he smiles wider.

"So."

"So."

We hover in the doorway for a moment, drinking each other in. Finally, I grab my jacket, breaking the intensity just a bit.

"We should go."

He nods, shuffling to the side so I can close the front door. Following me to the car, he about knocks me over when he cuts me off abruptly to grab the passenger door handle. Gripping his arm to steady myself he holds my elbow and opens the car door.

"Sorry," he laughs nervously, cheeks pink. "After you."

"Thanks," I smile at his chivalry.

Once inside the car he seems to hesitate, fingers gripping the key resting in the ignition.

"Do you mind if I pick a restaurant, or did you have some place in mind?"

"As long as it's not the diner I'm good," I reply lightly. "My dad takes me there at least once a week, so variety would be nice."

"Got it," he smirks. "No diner."

Turning the key his engine roars to life. He shifts the car into gear, glancing at me out of the corner of his eye as he pulls away. He wants to say something, I can feel it; his nervous energy making me anxious. Is this a mistake? Has he come to his senses and realized how crazy he is to get mixed up with me?

I try to ignore the insecure feelings that nag at me suddenly, but the thickness in the car makes it nearly impossible. It's too quiet. Finally I can't stand it anymore. I turn sideways in my seat, facing him.

"What is it?" I blurt.

He frowns. "What is what?"

"What do you have to say, I know there's something, I can just feel it and you're making me nervous and I really can't take any more heightened emotions." I ramble.

Edward doesn't respond at first, his gaze fixed on the road in front of us. I'm literally squirming in my seat, desperate for him to just say whatever is on his mind. We come to a stop light, the red casting a hard glow against his face. He pulls in a fortifying breath, turning to face me fully. My stomach wrings in knots, a cold chill snakes through me. His eyes saturate deeply, locking with mine.

"You're beautiful Isabella."

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><p><strong>AN: So sorry for the lapse in updating. I'll try to make it up to you in someway. I think 90% of the reviews for last chapter were FINALLY which made me laugh, I love it. Thanks so much for taking the time to leave me your thoughts – even if they're just one word they mean so much! xx Buff**


	17. Chapter 17

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight; all respective characters belong to SMeyer.**

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><p>I blink back, not sure I heard him correctly while part of me is doing internal cartwheels and singing on hilltops. <em>He said you're beautiful you dolt, say something.<em>

"You look especially so tonight, but I've always thought so," he continues timidly. "You take my breath away every time I see you and I've always wanted to tell you."

His expression that started out so ardent and heart-felt shifts in slow motion; eyes dim, body wilts just slightly. He's deflating.

"Say something Bella," he groans, raking his hand through the tuft of hair atop his head.

I stop thinking, relying on my instincts instead. Before the light can change I take his face between my hands, pulling his mouth to my lips. I thank him in lavish kisses, long and sweet.

When I pull back his eyes are wide, mesmerized. "Thank you," I whisper leaning in again to place a gentle kisses to each eye lid - the apples of his cheeks, his temples. "Thank you," I repeat, thanking him for so much more than just calling me beautiful.

Thanking him _for_ him. Because with him the heavy weight inside of me that I've become so complacently numb to is entirely nonexistent. The absence of it what makes me feel so buoyant around him.

We stare for a moment until a car honks behind us to go. He clears his throat, focusing back on the road.

"You're something else, Bella," he says with a sideways grin. "You're a bone rattler."

"And you're not the dangerous brood you make yourself out to be," I muse. "You're kind of a softy."

Narrowing his eyes, he moves too quickly for me to predict, pinching just above my knee. I chirp out a laugh, yanking my leg away. That's my super ticklish spot. No way I'm letting him figure that out. He scoffs, eyes sparkling with the passing street lights. "I am no softy."

I grin at him, unable to keep my eyes from his face. When we park and he takes my hand, guiding me into a small restaurant I still don't look away. It's a marvel really that he is here with me now.

He's chosen a small Italian restaurant that I have actually never been to before. We order and when my food comes a wave of hunger hits me hard. For the first time in weeks I am starving.

I don't think twice before inhaling my mushroom ravioli, resisting the urge to lick the shallow bowl once I'm done.

Edward beams at me from across the small table, apparently pleased with my appetite. I smile shyly, suddenly realizing myself.

"Sorry, I didn't eat much today," I offer lamely, omitting the part about not eating much of anything for weeks.

"No, it's good to see you eat," he replies, turning his attention back to his own food.

Squinting at him over the low candle light I wonder if maybe he's noticed my eating habits. It seems impossible since we don't share the same lunch period. But I never know with him, he's so damn observant.

Our dinner conversation is easy and light at first. We exchange stories about our families. He tells me about his foster parents, Carlisle and Esme. I talk about Charlie and what it's like having the chief of police as a father. When I mention this his eyes turn down, a small bit of sadness shadowing his face. I wonder what he's thinking but am afraid to ask.

He talks about his parents fondly. It's obvious he respects and loves them very much. When he tells stories about them he sounds so much older, so clear headed, not the typical jaded teenager. It makes me realize how different his life is.

He's been through a lot and has an appreciation for things most of us take for granted. He sees the big picture, something I've always prided myself on being like - but in his presence, listening to him talk about loving museum trips and reading quietly every night alongside his parents it makes me realize I still have a lot of growing up to do yet.

"What about your practices?" I ask all of a sudden, remembering his mention of them before. I'd never gotten the chance to ask, now seemed like as good a time as any.

He looks down at his empty plate, cheeks darken just barely. "Oh, that, um, it's nothing. No big deal." He shrugs.

"I'd love to know. Do you play a sport? An instrument?" He doesn't look at me or make a move to answer, I feel bad for prodding. "You don't have to tell me I was just curious."

His looks up finally. "No, it's okay," he says evenly then pulls in a breath, takes a sip of his ice tea. "When I was … I don't know, ten? Eleven maybe. I got this idea in my head that I wanted to see where I was born. I wanted to see what I … where I could have grown up. So Carlisle agreed to take me. Esme was completely against it." He smiles genuinely at the mention of his mother, lacing his fingers together.

"It wasn't the safest area where Elizabeth lived." _Elizabeth_. Hearing him call his real mother by her first name turns my stomach a bit. When I'd asked him about it at first he'd blinked at me inquisitively before saying plainly that Elizabeth wasn't his real mother, Esme was, so there was nothing else to call her other than by her name.

It makes me think of fighting with my own mother. When I got especially angry with her I'd call her Renee instead of mom. It was an obnoxious way to treat her and I regret every single time I did it, especially when I hear Edward's reasoning. Renee was more than a just my real mom; she was my best friend, my confidant, my unconditional supporter, my personal cheerleader. She was my whole world for so long.

"Anyway, he convinced her somehow and we took a weekend trip to Chicago where Elizabeth lived when she was pregnant with Alice and me, in the inner city. She was a prostitute, that's how she fed her habit, and there were so many like her all up and down the streets. It was shocking really; so many people that had nothing at all. So many kids that didn't even go to school let alone do extracurricular activities. It made me very grateful for Esme and Carlisle."

He's far away now, like he's reliving the moment. I love that I'm becoming familiar with his little habits, or tells his expressions give off. Like when he talks his lips always press together just before he speaks. If he's saying something he knows is going to be funny his eyes light up before his whole face does. If he's about to say something serious his brows set in a stern line. Things that make him sad pull down the corners of his mouth almost imperceptibly.

The corner of his mouth drops a bit now as he continues. "All I could think about was all of those kids with absolutely nothing. I had so much but it would have just taken one twist of fate, one different decision, one moment of chance in another direction and I could have been like them. It was eye opening."

My eyes well with tears suddenly. The thought of Edward stuck somewhere like that, he'd be such a different person. In that moment I have the utmost respect and love for Carlisle and Esme.

"Anyway," he clears his throat, coming back to me. "I wanted to do something, I don't know, to give back in some way. As soon as I was old enough I started volunteering at the youth center in Port Angeles. The kids there aren't nearly as bad off as in Chicago, but they're still in need. So I go twice a month and teach piano, guitar, I read sometimes; whatever they need."

I swallow back the emotion that heavily laces my throat. "That's amazing, Edward," I exhale in disbelief that someone like him is real.

"Not really," he looks away shyly.

"No, it really is," I retort with as much meaning as I can put behind it.

He grumbles something under his breath, palming his neck before he glances down at his watch. "We better go, we're gonna miss the game if we don't."

I'd all but forgotten about the basketball game, things were going so well with Edward. "Okay," I finally reply thinking of how excited Mike had been this afternoon.

He takes my hand again as he leads us out of the restaurant. His fingers around mine feel so perfect. Letting go he opens the car door for me so I tuck into the passenger seat sighing as soon as the door shuts. When he's buckled into his seat, car in gear, he takes my hand again. I squeeze his fingers lightly. He squeezes back without hesitating without looking. He feels it too.

When I invited Edward to the game I'd not thought it through obviously. So when we pull into the school parking lot a rush of nerves assault me viciously, threatening an upheaval of the food I'd so ardently consumed.

He senses my apprehension. The car purrs quietly in a spot after he shifts into park. "You ready?"

"No. Yes. What, um, we should be careful," I trip over my words pathetically.

Concerned expression melts into understanding. His fingers glide through my hair, pinning a strand behind my ear. "Okay."

He knows what I mean, no holding hands, no PDA, we can't really be seen period. I suddenly worry that Jasper might be here. Just because he wasn't at school doesn't me he wouldn't be at the school's basketball game on Friday night. _Shit, this was a bad idea Bella._

Then I glance over to Edward. A vision of calm, only worry discernable on his face is obviously for me. My anxiety is washed away in a ripple of awe for him. He would be willing to do anything for me, I just know that, it's a fact that shouts plainly from the way he looks at me, the way he touches me.

The need to soak up every detail of his face consumes. My eyes filter over each feature. "I will never understand why you chose me." My voice is a breath of honesty, exhaling slowly.

His eyebrows dip, forehead wrinkling with them. "Why wouldn't I?"

My head shakes softly, eyes close then open. Flattening my palms against each side of his face I search his eyes. "Because I'm just a grain of sand on the beach, and you … you're like a conch shell. The kind you can put to your ear and hear the ocean no matter where you are. You're better than all of us."

He licks his lips, running his thumb along my cheekbone gingerly. "You'll never see yourself the way that I do."

Opening my mouth to ask how - what does he see, I lose my nerve. "Let's go in," I say instead.

xx

We are able to buy tickets and get seated in the gym without many people paying attention to us. Once we're settled in the crowd I feel a bit better. We'll blend in this way. It could be a coincidence that we're sitting together. Plus, I don't see Jasper anywhere, so that makes my shoulders relaxes exponentially.

I'm happy to find Mike on the court, starting as he said he would be. He looks very proud, stopping at one point to wave at the bleachers. I search the first few rows and find who he'd been waving at. His parents huddle together buzzing with excitement for their son. I'd always liked the Newtons. Mrs. Newton had once told Jess and I that she wished she had daughters like us, and then she bought us ice cream on one of her turns with carpooling duty. We secretly decided she was our favorite after that.

I'm actually able to enjoy the game and at the quarter break when Edward asks if I want something to drink I grin and follow him out to the concession stand. He buys two cokes and a soft pretzel for me. We're standing at the condiments hub where I squirt an acceptable amount of mustard onto my pretzel, (if I were with Jess it would have been a lot more, but I don't want to chance slobbing yellow mustard onto my cream top,) when snide laughter catches my attention.

We turn and my stomach drops. Ben smirks back arrogantly. Edward tenses beside me, I want to grab his hand, for my sanity, to keep him calm, but I don't. I can't.

"Hey Bella, where's Jasper?" he asks pointedly.

"Hi, Ben," I reply weakly, ignoring his question about Jasper. The truth is whether I was with Edward or not I wouldn't have had an answer.

"Oh," he huffs, tapping the heel of his hand into his forehead. "That's right, he was sick today right? Well, I'm sure you'll talk to him on the phone tonight - tell him I said hope he feels better."

I eye Ben, it feels like he knows and he's just putting on this over dramatic show. I wonder again if Jasper had anything to do with that afternoon in my car. Just wanting to get as far from his as possible, I nod, taking a few steps past him.

"Oh, hey Bella," he calls. I turn halfway but don't respond.

"Do you need a ride home after the game? I'd love to drive you if you did…" he trails and the grin on his face is sickening.

"Okay," I hear Edward say softly but his voice is harsh with authority.

Before I can look at him he's skirting past me, handing me his drink.

"Edward?"

He steps in my way of Ben so I can no longer see him but I hear him.

"Hey bro, you got something to say to me?" Ben quips, tough-guy mask slid into place.

Two strides is all it takes. He doesn't say a word. His arm moves so fast, fist connecting perfectly with Ben's face before I know what's happening. The resounding crack is loud and heavy in the air. It's as if everything freezes. Except Ben. He spins, slamming to the ground with a groan then thud.

"Oh!" I cry out, dropping both sodas and the pretzel to the ground as my hands shoot up to cover my mouth.

"No, I have nothing to say to you," Edward spits so low that I almost don't hear, but I'm certain Ben hears. The meaning in his tone is crystal clear. Ben knows Edward knows. He curls into a ball, clamping his eyes shut against the pain. Blood drools through his fingers grasped tightly over his mouth.

I step forward, grabbing Edward's elbow. He's so on edge his muscle roll with tension under my grip. I pull but he doesn't respond, he's too busy glaring down at Ben.

"Let's go," I grind urgently under my breath, looking around to see if any teachers or parents have spotted us. Thankfully it only seems to be shocked students. My voice snaps him out of it. He glances at me over his shoulder, an apology immediately replacing the malice as he lets me pull him from the building. Adrenaline pumps through me ravaging my insides. I shake and try to slow my breathing.

"What was that?" I hiss once at his car.

He unlocks the door, opening it for me. The quiet of the cab is a vacuum, sucking away all of my energy as he walks around to let himself in.

"Sorry," he mutters as soon as he's in.

"Sorry? Edward you hit him for no reason."

"No reason?" He shouts making me jump. The fire in his eyes is so intense I cower away slightly. "Bella he put his hands on you! And then offers you a ride home? You don't think that he meant anything by that?"

"I'm entirely aware of what he meant by that Edward. I've been dealing with those kinds of underhanded comments from just about every boy in Forks High for months now though!"

"Not boys who have violated you," he growls.

My shoulders drop, I'm suddenly exhausted. "Edward, I know, but I don't want you to get in trouble over some asshole. No one else knew what was going on. Any onlookers are just going say you lost your shit and punched him for no reason."

"He deserved more than what I gave him."

"Yeah, he did," I sigh. "But life's not perfect or fair, and you can't go around punching people to avenge me Edward."

He grunts, running his hand roughly through his hair. "Look, I'm sorry if that upset you, but I don't feel bad about it at all. That coward needed that."

Guilt for snapping at him creeps in slowly. I look him over, his taunt posture. He was defending me, plain and simple. There were no ulterior motives, it wasn't jealousy or some previous beef with Ben that spurred him to be so bold. It was just for me.

"I have a really hard time when it comes to guys who have no respect for women." He says sadly, looking out his window.

I understand immediately, it's not hard to see why. Elizabeth. I wonder how many times he's imagined what his mother's life was like. What he thinks when he sees prostitutes portrayed in movies and on tv. Does he wonder if that's what his mom had to deal with. Maybe is _still_ dealing with. I feel incredibly sad for him again.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to get upset with you," I offer gently, reaching for his hand. He winces when my fingers close over his knuckles. "Does it hurt?"

"A little."

Removing my hand I inspect his the best I can under the yellow lighting of the parking lot. I can see a little bit of blood, but that might be Ben's. His hand is definitely puffy though.

"Come on, why don't you take me home and I'll clean that up."

Reaching into my bag, I pull out my cell phone to give my Dad a heads-up that I'm bringing someone home when I notice I have three missed calls, all from Charlie.

"Shit," I grunt, dialing my voicemail.

"Hey Bells, I've been trying to get a hold of you honey. I have to pull a double tonight so I won't be back until the morning. Call me if you need anything, I can send Mrs. Welch over if you get lonely." I can hear him chuckling as he hangs up and I roll my eyes, but smile.

Mrs. Welch is our eighty-year-old next door neighbor who still thinks I'm seven and loves to pinch my cheeks and complain I'm too skinny. After my mom passed away and Charlie still had to pull over-nighters occasionally he would send her over to babysit me, but I put a stop to that the year I started high school. That's my dad - always trying to push my buttons.

Replacing my phone, I don't worry about calling him back. He's not expecting it and I don't feel like answering questions about where I am and who I'm with.

Walking into my home at night when the space feels so small and intimate in the darkness is very different with Edward. I flick on the hall light, closing the front door behind us and gesturing toward the kitchen. I busy myself grabbing an ice pack as Edward's eyes wander around the room; he's cataloging everything he takes in.

We stand by the sink as I run cold water over his hand. The blood washes away easily to reveal two small cuts where the skin split open.

"The antiseptic is upstairs" I say, focused on blotting at the tiny cuts. He cringes just a bit every time I touch the spot.

Taking him by the hand, I lead him up the stairs. His eyes linger on framed photographs, feet stopping on the fourth step when he spots a picture of a small girl and a woman looking so much alike.

It's of me and my mother on Halloween when I was six. We're both dressed up as cat woman, although she kept calling me kitty woman, but I loved it anyway. I loved that she was willing to wear something so stupid for me, because I had begged her. That's why that picture hangs there, so I can remember that she was always willing to give for me.

"You look so much like her," he smiles sadly.

I wonder how much Edward looks like his mother. Wonder what his sister looks like, but I doubt he has a single picture of either.

"Thank you." I touch his cheek, he leans into my hand.

At the top of the stairs I motion toward the door opposite the bathroom. "You can wait in there, the bathroom's kind of small I don't think they'll be room for both."

He nods, disappearing into the darkness of my room. Inside the bathroom I pull out peroxide, Neosporin and small band aids. When I walk back to my room I'm surprised to find him sitting in the dark.

"Why are you sitting in the dark?"

With a small laugh I flick on the lamp by my bed. The room washes in a soft glow instantly. The sight before me steals my breath. Edward sitting in my room. On the corner of my _bed_. He seems both perfectly out of place and perfectly perfect in here among my possessions. Too good and yet just right. My cheeks pink at the memory of the many dreams I've had of him while sleeping in that very bed.

"Couldn't find a light and I didn't want to break anything," he shrugs, looking around at the walls, oblivious to my embarrassment.

Shoulders set, I stand tall shaking it off and striding to where he sits. I take my time caring for his insignificant wounds but it feels only fair that I take care of my hero. The thought brings a smirk to my face.

"What?" He asks already smiling in response.

I shake my head. "Nothing."

The tips of his fingers touch my stomach lightly as I hold his hand in place. My legs straddle his knee, head bent focused on cleaning the cuts. His nose brushes my cheek.

"I think they're clean," he whispers.

The energy between us vibrates eagerly. I look up from his hand, his eyes on mine digging into me. Always searching for more. I want so badly to give him whatever it is that he's looking for.

For the millionth time I admire his face, how wonderfully handsome he is. He eyes glimmer just barely in the low light, his pupils wide and dark, just the slightest bit of green peaking around the edges.

Slowly, as he had done yesterday in the shed, I lift my fingers to his face, brushing a few stray hairs from his eyes. My fingers linger tracing the delicate skin beneath his eyes, the ridge of his nose, the curve of his eyebrow. The cut of his jaw is sinful. My eyes follow the trail of my finger slowly.

Our faces are so close that I don't have to lean in far to place my lips there. My heart beats heavy and fast in my chest as my mouth tiptoes gingerly down the sharp contour, whispers of a kiss, nibbling when I get to his chin. I peck his full bottom lip smiling against him. His lips split into a grin so I kiss the corner of his mouth that lifts his cheekbone so high.

"Thank you," he releases in a sigh. Our noses touch, my eyes fall closed.

"Don't thank me yet," I exhale taking his lips over fully.

Hands glide around my back, slipping into my hair with ease as he pulls me closer. I acquiesce without a fight, dropping into his lap and lacing my fingers through his hair.

His tongue dips into my mouth exploring hungrily. I'm acutely aware of his body pressed to mine. He feels so warm, so good, I just want to curl around him and never let go. Fingers pull, our bodies want, the kiss lasts intense and all consuming. We pull apart out of breath. My eyes find his before he kisses my cheek sweetly.

Slower this time we join again, mouths lingering, it's an unspoken moment but we both want the same. Our lips move tentatively as if to memorize every bit of each other. He teases, pulling back but I follow, capturing his mouth gently.

My body tingles with a different kind of adrenaline. His mouth yields to mine easily, lips part to let my tongue glide against his. He tastes like sugar from the sodas at dinner and mint. I remember the tic tact he offered me on the ride home and giggle softly.

Grazing my teeth lightly against his lip he shivers, gripping my hair tighter. His arms hold me firmly, offering protection and warmth. I melt into him fully, my softness against his firm body. I moan into him pressing us back. He falls against my mattress taking control of the kiss, deepening it.

Rolling me onto my back the pressure of his body against me is better than I imagined. One hand braces against my hip, the other cradling me. Every morsel of me is aware of him, longing for more.

I grip his neck as he releases my mouth, pressing sinuous kisses to my jaw and neck. His tongue flicks lavishly against my earlobe sending a jolt through me. I gasp, back arching my body into him unconsciously. He groans a breathy exasperated sound then kisses the spot just beneath my ear and it has the same effect, only the sensation licks through my core like a lightning bolt. I moan, digging my nails into his scalp.

My breathing is short quick puffs that make me sound ridiculous, but I have no control over it nor do I care. Not while he is driving me crazy so deliciously. His hand trails gently, his lips moving back to mine. When his fingers ghost over my breast my entire body tenses.

I'm not prepared for the sharp contrast in sensations. He presses his palm against me there and I freeze, a chill settling into my bones.

"Edward, stop," I mumble against him. Even though I know this is Edward and I know that he would never do anything as evil as Jasper or Ben, I can't control the paralyzing panic that rises in my throat.

He pulls away immediately, sensing the change in my demeanor. When he sees my face he looks panicked.

"What is it Bella, are you okay? Did I hurt you? Oh God, please tell me I didn't hurt you." He rolls his body so he's lying alongside me. "Did I go too far? I'm so sorry, I got carried away. Oh God."

My throat is unexpectedly dry. I try to swallow but it's hard. "No," I finally manage. "It wasn't you, it's okay." Reaching for his wrist I grip it weakly. Tears prick my eyes. I don't know what switched in my brain, but all the good feelings changed as soon as he touched me.

Frustrated I press my hand against my face and whimper, "I'm sorry. I don't know what's wrong with me."

"Hey, look at me," he hums softly, pulling at my hand. I fight clamping it down tighter, I don't want him to see me like this, so broken.

He succeeds in pulling my hand free, his eyes taking in my expression with such concern. "Shhh, sweetheart, it's okay."

"I just, I never thought. I… I thought I was okay after everything, I never thought it would affect me in any way like this," I admit finally in a breathy sob.

He pulls me against his chest, smoothing hair away from my face. "Bella, sweetheart, please, you're breaking my heart. It's okay, love, really, shhhh."

"I… I'm sorry," I stutter against him, shoulders heaving softly.

He pulls me back forcing eye contact. "You have nothing to be sorry for." He's demanding in his declaration. All I can manage is a pathetic nod. "Bella, listen to me. You've been through a lot, I think a lot more than even you realize. You're so strong, this girl that I see in you she's an ass-kicker and I just know that you're going to be okay. But you need time. And I'll wait for that however long it takes. We'll go slow, I promise."

His face shatters my heart. The expression of care and adoration touches me deeply. Breathing in a cleansing breath, I calm myself and nod. He wipes my face clean, offering a small smile.

It seems impossible that the person holding me so tenderly is only eighteen. He appears so much wiser than that. An even greater impossibility is that I could be so lucky.

"God, I'm such a mess," I exhale heavily. "You're crazy you know that right?"

"Crazy?" He frowns.

"For being here, being anywhere near me, mixed up with this."

He thinks for a moment, smiling calmly. "I'd be crazy not to."

The pit of my stomach tingles, the corner of my mouth turning up. In the back of my mind there are three small words forming for Edward Cullen but I dare not speak them aloud.

"How do you see me?" I ask quietly.

Edward presses his forehead to mine, such a familiar calming sensation. I close my eyes appreciating the smallest gesture.

"Bella," he sighs. "You are the waves, don't you see? You're no grain of sand. You crash over all of us."

He's was right. I don't see it. But here with him holding me so sweetly, whispering these things to me I can almost feel it. Can almost pretend that he's right.

"Edward?"

"Bella," he returns softly placing a single kiss to my temple.

"I don't want to have to hide like tonight, I didn't like it."

"Okay, I agree."

"So I think we should go talk to Jasper tomorrow. If we have to go knock on his front door then we will." When I say it out loud it becomes a resolution I'm hell bent on following through on. It needs to be done, it should have been finished long ago.

He nods, tucking me tighter against him. "Whatever you need, I'll be there for you."

And I don't doubt him in the slightest.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: I said it won't be simple with them so don't hate me. Personally, I think these two can work through anything. What do you think? Reviews make my day, thank you for taking the time. ^_^ xx Buff**


	18. Chapter 18

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight; all the respective characters belong to SMeyer**

* * *

><p>We fall asleep. I don't know when in the night it happens. Sometime after he pulls me higher to my pillows and tucks me under the covers probably. We talked quietly for so long, at some point I just drift off. So when I begin to rouse, trying to stretch my body and it's hard to move I frown.<p>

The heavy weight on my arms doesn't make sense at first. Peeking one eye open, I flinch against the morning light. Fingers curl against my stomach making it churn with instant anxiety. My eyes become accustomed to the brightness and I see his arm draped across me.

Panic assaults, my heart hammers in my chest. 7:20. Fuck. My dad will definitely have gotten home already. He must not have checked on me, because I think if he found me with a boy in my bed he would have either woken us with his shot gun or yelling obscenities at the very least.

My first thought is to try and slip out from under Edward, scope out the situation. But when I move he tightens his hold. I push on his arm but he only snuggles in closer.

"Edward," I hiss.

Nothing.

"Edwarrrrd," I draw out his name as quietly yet urgently as possible.

Finally stirring, he smiles into his pillow filling his lungs slowly. My attention is distracted for a moment by how beautiful he looks laying there. His eyes creep open, smile widening.

"Good morning."

I widen my eyes shrugging with a nod to say wordlessly, _YEAH MORNING_.

He shoots up, shocked. "Shit," he exclaims not so softly.

"Shhhh. Shut up!" I whisper shout.

A creaking floor sets my body in motion, my palms sweat, heart claws at my throat. Pressing my hands into his chest I push with all my might. He tumbles to the floor and if I weren't terrified I would have laughed my ass off at the sight of him careening backward off the bed.

He hits the cream and brown speckled area rug with a loud thud. "Stay down," I murmur quickly, the sound of footsteps growing louder.

Slinking my legs out from under the covers I silently drop to the floor, lifting myself up slowly by the arms and doing my best to look bewildered. My timing hopefully works. When my dad opens the door I'm half hanging from my mattress, hand in my hair staring at my floor as if I don't know how it got there.

"You okay Bells?" Dad asks gruffly, voice rough with exhaustion.

I look up at him slowly, trying my best to act half asleep. He's still dressed in his uniform, his belt the only thing missing. "Yeah, I fell out of bed. Must of had a bad dream."

His face is completely lax in a way only someone who hasn't slept for twenty-four hours can be. His eyebrows pucker in the smallest fashion denoting a frown of concern but the dark circles under his eyes say he's too tired to express any amount of emotion.

"You look terrible," I try for a distraction.

"Gee, thanks. You don't look so hot yourself. You hair is a rat's nest Bella." He manages a raspy chuckle.

I jump up, skidding to a stop in front of my mirror. Sure enough it looks as if I've been electrocuted the way my hair sticks out every which way. I think of Edward's hands in my hair and blush, trying to hide it the best I can.

"Are you just getting home?" I speak over my shoulder realizing Edward's car is parked boldly outside of our house. A new wave of anxiety wrecks my nervous system. _Please be too tired to notice, please be too tired to notice._

He nods in a sleepy haze, already half turned into the hallway. "You're late for school, I'm going to bed. Night Bells."

"Night," I mumble watching him tromp down the hall like the walking dead - _wait_. "Dad it's," his door shuts thickly closing him out to the world. "Saturday," I mutter shaking my head.

The pity I feel for my dad for working too hard is quickly enveloped in utter relief. He didn't notice anything. I do feel bad for him, but I'm forever thankful this one time that he is so overwhelmingly tired. A grin breaks across my face. Falling onto my bed, every muscle in my body going numb with the sudden onslaught of relaxation, I peek over the side to find Edward curled in a tight ball.

I do laugh at the sight of him this time and then notice his own shoulders lifting in silent laughter.

"It's safe to come out now," I whisper.

He unfurls his body slowly, peaking out between his fingers as if the fact that he's covering his face makes him invisible.

"Morning," I repeat finally back to him.

Lifting himself up quietly he places a chaste peck against my cheek. It leaves a warm heart beat pulsing against my skin. My eyes fall closed with a smile.

"For the record, your Dad's wrong, you do look hot this morning, crazy hair and all."

I laugh, covering my mouth. "Yeah a hot mess." I reply in kind.

"_My_ hot mess," he grins with a wink and I melt at Edward calling me his.

"Hey," I say abruptly, a thought occurring. "Won't your parents be pissed?"

He shrugs. "Maybe."

I gawk openly. "You don't care? What are you going to tell them?"

"I'll just tell them the truth," he replies as if it's the obvious choice.

"Oh, God they're going to hate me and never let you see me again," I whine covering my face.

"They won't hate you, and it'll be fine. I think they'll understand."

"That what? Out of nowhere you spend the night at some random girl's house?"

He laughs smoothly shaking his head. "They know all about you Bella."

I blanch, all the blood draining from my face. "All about me? You told them?"

"Well, no, not everything. But they know who you are, that I've liked you for some time and that we are…." he trails.

I grin, he's caught himself in a predicament. What are we? What did he tell his parents? But that's not my focus.

"You told your parents about me?" I hum scooting closer.

"A bit, yes."

I place my hand on his arm, tickling the soft hairs with my fingertips. "Well, that's really, really cute."

He adds without pause, "Or really, really creepy."

"No creepier than watching someone," I counter and it's my turn to wink.

"I'm glad we've established I'm a creep-"

My lips tell him to shut up without words. He waivers a bit, perhaps I attacked his face too eagerly. Oh well. Bracing an arm against the bed, he steadies us before slipping a hand into my hair. When it gets caught he releases me laughing.

"Okay, maybe you should brush that."

xx

The walk up the Hale's driveway has become a familiar macabre march of sorts. Not since the night of Halloween have I done the walk happily or without dread. Edward's fingers lace through mine, like a life line he feeds me strength.

His touch makes my mind wander for a blissful moment. Something tells me to fight back the smile that turns my mouth - now's not the time for happy. But I can't help thinking about this morning. About how he'd been so honest with his parents, all the while I'd forced him to sneak around mine.

I'd been on the verge of calling him a liar when he called them to tell them he was safe and where he'd been. When there was no shouting on the other end I was dumbfound. He hung up and I stared at him until he returned my gaze.

"Just like that?" I asked in disbelief.

"Yeah, I mean I'm sure they'll talk to me about it when I get home. They weren't necessarily happy, but they trust me."

_Because you're the perfect human being_. I wanted to add but didn't. It seemed to be too mocking in the moment and I didn't doubt the sentiment in the slightest. He'd shown me nothing but perfection thus far.

"Ready?" He asks with a gentle squeeze of my fingers.

I fill my lungs, nodding. "Yeah."

We climb the stairs together. Edward leans forward to ring the doorbell. I slip into a mini panic attack, the chime echoing from behind the thick front door jarring my courage loose.

The door opens quickly. Rosalie glaring out at me is almost a welcome sight. _At least it's not Mr. Hale. _She doesn't regard Edward in the slightest, only steps forward enough to pull the door tightly to her side. "What the hell are you doing here?" She hisses. "With _him_?"

I don't answer the question. I'm not here to be sidetracked by her. "Is Jasper home?"

"I heard about your little stunt yesterday Bella, showing up to the basketball game with Edward," she's acting as if he's not in hearing distance of her and it's irritating the ever-loving shit out of me. "I knew you were an idiot but I didn't realize you were suicidal," she spits, eyes narrowing with a flick in Edward's direction.

Clamping my teeth together I flare my nostrils and draw in a sharp breath. "Are you going to get your brother for me or not Rosalie?" I ask nearly shouting. If she's trying to be discreet then I'll be as obnoxious as possible.

Her shoulders draw up defensively before she glances back, anxious. "He's sick."

"I don't really care. It's important I talk to him."

"I'll tell him you stopped by." She is seething. Removing her body from the doorway, she goes to shut it.

I slam my hand against the hard wooden surface sending throbbing waves of heat down my arm. "Rosalie." I say slowly. "This is over. Let me in or I _will_ be back with my father."

Hateful eyes assess me cautiously. She's sizing me up, trying to see if I'm full of shit. Only I know one hundred percent that I won't hesitate to follow through on any threat it takes to finish this. Releasing a resigned huff that Rosalie somehow manages to make sound spiteful as well, she lets free the door, allowing it to swing wide.

With an exaggerated flourish she motions us inside. "Please, come in."

Edward's hand grips tightly to mine despite the slickness of my palm.

"He's in his room."

I don't thank her but climb the stairs slowly her eyes on us the entire ascent. I can't allow myself to wonder or worry what she's going to do, I can only fight one battle at a time. But something in the back of my mind tells me her main objective is to protect the family, even if that means hiding a monster and manipulating whoever she needs to in the process.

I don't think she was working with Jasper and doubt she had any hand in his master plan - whatever that ultimately might be. But she found out about it and did nothing, allowing me to believe she was even the smallest voice of reason. For that I hated her. To me she is no better than her brother.

Rapping at his door softly at first, I lean in to listen for signs of what he might be doing. The room is relatively quite, I can hear the faint sound of mumbled words, a TV maybe.

"Come in," he calls out with a cough.

Squaring my shoulders, I straighten my spine standing as tall as my 5'4" frame will allow. The door opens with an eerie creak, the room behind it dark save for the flickering light of the television. The blinds are drawn tight and there is a sizable lump huddled under Jasper's black comforter.

Stepping into the room, I clear my throat.

Jasper peals his head from under the covers, hair matted over one side hiding half his face. "Bella," he purrs smoothly smiling. His skin is sallow, dark circles under the eye I can see, but his smile is sloppy loose not consistent with someone suffering from the flu.

Edward slips in behind me, squeezing my hand. Jasper's clouded gaze shoots to him; his entire demeanor changes with the shift of his eyes. Sitting up he scowls at us. "What the fuck," he grinds but it's slurred.

I want to ask but I don't instead I get right to the point. "I told Edward everything," I blurt.

"You miserable bitch," he spits throwing the covers off his body.

Edward takes a half step in front of me. "Hey-"

Yanking his arm I silently urge him to give me a chance. He steps back but his fierce stare bores into Jasper who's standing now, teetering just a bit in his spot.

"Are you high?" I can't help asking it.

He smirks, gaze sliding slowly back to me. "Just a little self medication baby." His words are a smeared mess as he lifts his hair exposing his other eye which is swollen shut. "Had an accident," he says sarcastically and I know his father did it to him.

Air escapes my lungs in a rush of pity for him that I can't afford to feel. "Jasper…" I trail sorrow seeping into my tone more than I want it to. It's impossible to hate him in the moment though. He looks entirely pitiful. A shrunken, lost version of himself. I relate all too well to it.

"I'm sorry," I allow myself to whisper then swallow away any sympathy I might have. "I don't mean to bother you. I - we just came to tell you that it's done. You and I are over, you can make up whatever story you want- I cheated on you, I'm a lesbian, I don't really care. Bottom line, you don't have any sort of hold over me anymore."

My gaze locks on him, waiting for his eyes to respond. The caramel sweetness is wholly absent, black, unusually large orbs take their place. His brows press down firmly, a flicker of understanding as he locks onto my eyes.

"I guess you forgot all I need to do is make a phone call," he grinds low, menacing.

"You're a coward," Edward jeers through a clenched jaw.

Both mine and Jasper's eyes snap to him.

"Fuck you," Jasper spits, bawled fists press into his thighs. "I'll kill you myself motherfucker."

I step forward before Edward can strike back, releasing his hand. Sandwiched between such intense, stony anger, my heart thrums loudly in my ears. I stretch my fingers against the air, trying to still my hands from shaking.

"Enough!" I shout louder than I mean to. Jasper's face turns to me, dark eyes hallow. Setting my jaw, I step closer still. "Jasper I want you to listen very closely to my words," I say swiftly stressing each syllable.

"This is over. You were a fool to think you could control me and I was an even bigger fool to let you."

His eyebrows raise, challenging.

"I'm done hiding. I've told Edward but I've made him promise me that it stays between us. But if you so much as cast a sideways glance in either of our directions I will tell my father. Everything."

He scoffs. "Who's going to believe you now you stupid whore?"

"Maybe no one. Maybe everybody. I don't know. But I promise you this; my father, the chief of police, will and he will want to press charges. And if it goes nowhere then so be it, but I won't stop doing everything I can to make sure it's known what kind of a fucking monster you _and_ your family are."

At the mention of his family he flinches. I step forward again, all but nose to nose with him. The more strength I display, the more he deflates.

"I'm giving you a chance Jasper, a clean slate. Trust me when I say it's far more than you deserve. You _will_ leave me alone. You will leave Edward alone. You will leave all of my friends alone, is that clear? And that includes sending your cronies to try and attack me."

His jaw unhinges, face paling slightly. It's more than enough of a confession to sicking Ben on me. Edward growls, brushing past me quickly but I catch his arm, halting him.

"We're done," I mumble to him pulling as I start to walk backward out of the room. "I think he gets it," I say louder.

Jasper's body language screams defeat though those black eyes are hard to judge. I can do no more than just what I said. And that's what I'll do. Any hint of problems and I'm going straight to my dad.

There's no sign of Rosalie when we get downstairs. Jasper doesn't follow either, so I continue to pull Edward by the hand. Feeling like if we don't get the hell out of there now the shit is going to hit the fan.

I don't breathe until we're back safely inside Edward's car. He stares at me waiting for my cue I guess. I'm not sure why. I can't look at anything, my eyes, unfocused, point out the windshield blankly.

"Drive, please," I murmur finally.

"Are you-"

"Please."

He starts the engine pulling away. The muscles in my body uncoil slowly from their taunt position. I feel weak and shaky, unstable. My heart slows from it's previous constant rapid pumping. I'm exhausted from it, slumping in my seat.

"Bella?" Edward's voice pierces the murky cloud surrounding me, the sound distorted once it gets to my ears.

"Bella, sweetheart, are you okay?"

"I think I need some sugar," I mumble loosely.

"Okay, um, lunch?"

"Something fast please."

In no time we are parked in a McDonald's parking lot and I'm sucking down a coke feeling the bubbly goodness filter through my system. It helps and I scarf down the cheeseburger and fries unabashedly.

"Man, that was intense," I half laugh into my coke.

Edward eyes me carefully. "Um, yeah I'd say. Are you sure you're okay?"

He's looking at me as if I've grown a second head. "Yes, why?"

"You just. That was really intense yes, but you seemed so calm through the whole thing. Definitely not what I expected. Then when we got in the car you were so pale and your hands were shaking. You looked terrified."

A garbled laugh pushed past the sip of coke I just ingested. "I didn't feel very calm."

He smiles softly, tucking a piece of hair behind my ear. "It's funny," he chuckles. "Every time I've thought of doing that, wondered what it would feel like - my imagination hardly compares to the real thing."

"Tucking my hair?"

"Yeah, it's kind of an amazing feeling."

Without hesitation I smile. "You're kind of an amazing feeling."

His vibrant eyes gleam, leaning in with warm lips that press to my forehead and a nose that breathes me in slowly. "You seem better now," he sighs.

"I feel better. The food helps, thanks."

"So what now?"

"I dunno, my day is completely free." Free. What a marvelous word. _I am free_, I want to correct myself but grin stupidly at him instead.

"Well," he considers for a minute. "I should probably go home. I'm sure my parents want to glare at me sternly and give embarrassing speeches about safe sex."

I blanch. "Safe what! Who said anything about, OH MY GOD. They think we slept together last night?"

"We kind of did," he smirks.

I punch his arm. "You know what I mean!"

"I'm sure they've considered it Bella."

_Whyareyounotavirgin?_ "Well, um… you should go then. I mean, you can just take me home."

He looks hurt. "You mean you don't want to come with me? I thought maybe you could meet them."

My eyes bulge, mouth drops open. "Meet your parents? When they think we've slept together? No thanks."

Now he looks really hurt. "Oh."

My heart aches for him and his stupid pouty face. "A compromise?" I offer.

He perks up like a dog being offered a bone. "What do you have in mind?"

"Take me home, you go suffer through whatever… talks they need to subject you to first. Then come back and get me."

He nods, smiling now. "Would you stay for dinner?"

"Um, okay."

Taking my face in his hands he plants a sinful kiss against my lips. The kind that makes me forget who I am and question the meaning of life. I hum against his mouth, ignoring the armrest that digs into my ribs.

When my ribs can stand it no longer I reluctantly tug away. "Edward?"

"Yes, lips I want to kiss some more?" He's staring at my mouth making me giggle and cover it. He pries my hands away ninja kissing me for good measure.

"I'm serious, I have an important question." I push him back.

"Lay it on me."

"What will you introduce me as?"

"Bella."

I narrow my eyes at him. "Okaaay."

"Bella Swan?"

A quirked eyebrow fits over my slanted eyes.

"Miss Isabella Swan," he tries again full of mirth.

"Bella's fine, really."

His face splits into the most beautiful smile I have ever seen on his face before. My insides squeeze tight, my hands, feet, even my ears tingle.

"My girlfriend, Bella," he corrects himself in a happy whisper.

I beam back. "I like that."

"It's probably the best thing I've ever said."

Kissing him again I murmur between soft pecks, "Probably the best thing I've ever heard."

* * *

><p><strong>AN: The end. JUST KIDDING. Ha. No, I have more for them, but it is kind of a pretty little package right now, can we just stay here? Thanks so much for reading and reviewing! My favorite review from yesterday was: **_**"Yes, they'll be able to work through it and then he can touch her bewbies:) nervous and anxious to see Ben/Jasper reactions!" **_**From Miss maxandmo That made me laugh, so thank you! **** So, is this the last we hear from Jasper? Bella and Edward have their own newfound issues to work through so I don't knoooowwwww. (Well I do but _:x_) What do you think? xx Buff**


	19. Chapter 19

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight; all respective characters belong to SMeyer**

* * *

><p>"Hey Daaaad?"<p>

Waving one last time as Edward pulls away I close the front door with a happy sigh.

"In here Bells," he calls back sullenly. One of his teams must be losing at some type of game. (I'm totally into sports.)

"Hey you."

"Hey yourself," he huffs.

It must be the Mariners, he only gets really upset when it's over baseball. "Mariners losing?" It's my attempt at connecting. He, however, blinks at me like I've gone crazy.

"It's January Bella."

"And that means…"

"They don't play baseball in January."

"Oh."

"It's these damn Seahawks, can't even get us past the first round of the playoffs." He slumps into his seat, lifting a beer to his mouth only to grunt and set the can down forcefully with a hallow aluminum _clang_.

This doesn't bode well for what I'm about to ask. So instead I slip into the kitchen and hunt for ingredients for Grandma Marie's special lemonade. That always puts him in a better mood.

We're out of fresh lemons so I have to settle for a powder mix and pray it doesn't taste like it. I boil some water, sugar and mint leaves from one of my few herb plants growing in the window. Cut up strawberries and throw it all together in a blender with the lemonade.

I add a bit more sugar because Charlie always likes it on the sweet side. Then toss a few slices of strawberry into a glass with ice before pouring in the lemonade mix. I don't notice that I'm humming, flitting about the kitchen like Cinderella until his throat clears from the doorway.

"What are you so happy about?" He asks suspiciously.

Glancing down at myself with a shrug I realize all I'm missing is an apron and a bluebird on my shoulder. Well, and talking mice but let's not bother with semantics. "I don't know, I've had a good morning." I offer, finishing the presentation I'd been working.

Turning with a grand gesture I shove the drink into the air. "Ta-da!"

He squints at the glass, then my face, then the glass. "You made Grandma's lemonade?"

"Yeah, thought it might be a nice treat."

His cop eyes work me over slowly, gears churning when he takes the drink from my hands. "It's good to see you happy Bella," he finally breaks a smile. His mustache wiggles then drops flat. "Now what do you want?"

"Want? Nothing," I hum, turning to clean up my mess. Moving at a snail's pace I expect him to go back to watching the TV, but I can feel him hovering still.

"Really, Dad, it's nothing. I just want you to meet someone in a few hours is all." I wave my soapy hand into the air.

"Oh? Could this someone be oh … I don't know … a boy?"

"Maybe, yeah, maybe. Yes."

"So I'm finally going meet him, huh?" He asks bemused. "I know his father of course, not the biggest fan, but I promise not to make any judgments on him because of his Dad." He's rambling and not making sense.

"Who are you talking about Dad?" I ask, working my hand gingerly around the blender's blade with a sponge.

"The Hales."

Turning so quickly I just barely graze my fingers past the blade without cutting into skin. The blender slips into the sink with a squishy, sloshing thud. "The Hales? What-"

Raising his hands in defense, he smirks lightly. "Now, Bella, your old man's not as oblivious as you think. I hear things, I see things. You've been seeing this boy for a while and I'm a little disappointed I'm just now meeting him, but I trust you honey."

My mouth opens and closes in a wide O shape repeatedly - like a fish struggling to breathe out of water. "How did you - Who told you that I - Dad… - I'm not with - It's not _Jasper_."

He raises both brows. Any other time I would smile fondly at the way it opens his whole face up, showing off his creamy brown eyes. "Oh." A faint blush creeps across his cheeks. He feels stupid for acting in the know and being wrong.

"I'm sorry Dad, I mean Jasper and I … um" What do I say? What he heard wasn't misinformation, unless it came from Jasper's mouth directly, then it was just an outright lie. But anyone gossiping to him or around him wasn't lying. A silent moan rumbles my chest. I don't want to lie to him now, but I don't want to make him feel dumb either.

"I mean, Jasper and I went through this _thing_ a while back, but I'm not his girlfriend." There. Not a lie, not any specifics.

His expression evens out, "Okaaay… teenagers," he shakes his head with a low guffaw.

"I do have someone that I want you to meet though. I'm sure you know his father, he's a doctor at the hospital and his mother works at the museum. Um, the Cullens? It's their son, Edward."

His brows invert, furrowing deep. "Yeah, I know the Cullens. He coming here?"

"Just to pick me up. I'm going to his house for dinner." I don't ask, it's not a question, I'm 18. Although the issue of boys and me has been, well, a non-issue till now I don't want to set the precedent I should have to ask. I'm responsible. _Yeah right because you handled things with Jasper so responsibly._

He releases a long breath, shoulders dropping. "Well alright, I'll be in the living room then." He shuffles out, lemonade in hand, mumbling something about having a shot gun to clean.

"Thanks Dad!"

xx

The afternoon passes slowly with long shadows moving like slugs across the kitchen floor. I stay in the front of the house ready to intercept Edward the second he arrives. I am also avoiding Charlie as much as possible, not wanting to tip him over the edge he's been so precariously poised on since I talked to him earlier.

The sound of an engine slowing and then cutting off makes me jolt upright from the kitchen chair, spilling the magazine I'd been looking at onto the floor. I pause only long enough to catch a glimpse out the window of copper hair emerging from a silver car door and bolt for our front door.

"Don't hate me," I pant out of breath, practically barreling through Edward before he can make it up to the house.

His shocked expression simmers into a grin as he grips me around the waist. "Whoa, where's the fire?"

"You have to meet my dad," I whisper hastily.

"Okay, no problem… are you alright you look a little wound up."

Taking him by the hand I lead us toward the house squeezing his fingers. "Just a little nervous. You don't happen to be wearing a bullet proof vest?"

"No… do I need one?"

"No, no it's fine. Just stay behind me maybe."

"Bella?" Charlie calls from the living room as soon as the front door shuts behind us. "He here?"

I cringe at his crass tone hoping it's not an indication of his attitude to come. Edward places his free hand on my shoulder, rubbing small circles there with his thumb. It helps a little.

"Yes, Dad."

Charlie emerges from the living room as if he's lived in a cave for twenty years and is just seeing the light of day - eyes slanted into tiny beads.

"It's very nice to meet you Chief Swan," Edward offers his hand like a gentleman. Charlie takes it, leaning into the greeting. I can tell he's squeezing a little tighter than necessary but Edward doesn't flinch. This makes me exponentially happy. _Ha, take that Dad._

"Edward," Charlie nods.

We hover in the hallway for an awkward moment - me unable to think of a damn thing to say on either of their behalves; Charlie sizing Edward up, Edward smiling like the handsome boy that he is. I look for tells around his eyes, the edge of his mouth, nothing shows anxiety which helps me to relax.

"Well, we should get going," I finally break the weird silence.

Charlie stares at Edward for a beat, trying to find a weak point - what he can say to scare him probably.

"Bella won't be out late, I'll have her back soon," Edward offers with a polite smile.

"Yeah, well, okay… wear your seat belts." With that he turns and I huff out a sigh of relief - prematurely.

"I'll just be finishing cleaning my guns, you ever seen a 12 gauge boy?" He asks over his shoulder, quirking a barbed brow.

"Um, n-" Edward clears his throat, voice cracking just a bit. "No sir."

"Hm." Charlie grunts then disappears back into his cave.

xx

The drive to Edward's house is spent laughing nervously over my father. I try to reassure him that Charlie was all show, but at the same time Edward is the first boy I've ever brought home. We turn up the radio letting our nerves free with music and stupid impressions of Charlie. Well, I was doing the impressions, Edward was just laughing and telling me he wasn't that bad.

My own nerves over meeting his parents are forgotten until we pull into their driveway and my stomach bottoms out. I peer up at the white colonial. It's not ostentatious, but much larger than Charlie's cape cod. Edward moves around to my side opening the door for me. Cold air cuts through the heated car snapping me to attention.

"Ready?" He smiles simply.

"How are you so calm?" I bite.

His eyes rumple into a frown. "They're just my parents Bella."

"Ha! Just your parents who think we had sex and I've never met a boyfriend's parents before and - stop grinning at me, it's not funny." My words spew out like fat drops of hail despite my attempts to keep my voice down. He smiles brightly at me, tilting his head.

"You're cute when you're nervous."

My shoulders drop, I grunt standing from the car finally. "I don't feel cute. I feel neurotic."

"Well I'll make sure your neurosis doesn't get out of hand." He laces his fingers with mine which calms me a bit. Until we make it to the front door and my muscles tense the second his mother opens it to greet us.

"Bella!" She releases in a blissful sigh. "So nice to finally meet you."

I attempt a return smile but my face muscles feel ridged. I'm sure I look like a gargoyle. "Mrs. Cullen, nice to meet you too."

"Oh please, call me Esme."

"Esme," I smile a real smile around her name, my face relaxing. Her name reminds me of Esmeralda; for some reason that makes me feel lighter. The Hunchback of Notre Dam was one of my favorite movies when I was little.

"Come, come in please," she gestures us in patting Edward on the shoulder as he passes.

Just inside the foyer Dr. Cullen beams genuinely at us. "Bella, I'm so glad you could come."

I swallow thickly, reaching to shake his hand and barely managing a nod of thanks. Their warmness should feel fake with how thick they're laying it on. It feels anything but.

"Well, dinner's already on the table. Shall we?" Esme gestures us through the living room to a formal dining room. The table is set complete with three forks, two spoons, and a cloth napkin folded neatly in the middle of each plate.

"Is it like this every time you eat?" I ask under my breath so only Edward can hear. He coughs to cover a laugh and shakes his head.

"Only when we have extra special important guests … like the President or royalty."

I roll my eyes because I know he's poking fun. My heart melts a little when Carlisle pulls a chair out for Esme to take her seat. I can see where Edward's good manners come from. He does the same for me without hesitation.

"Your majesty," he winks.

I covertly elbow his ribs as I lower into my chair; he muffles a groan. "Thanks Edward."

Dinner is delicious and thankfully nothing crazy like calamari or caviar. Esme's chicken is unbelievably moist, the roasted potatoes make my mouth water with every bite and I can't help asking for the recipe for her green beans. They're buttery with slivers of almonds that add the best crunch.

With every mouthful I feel more relaxed, more myself. Conversation is easy and flowing to my surprised relief. There are no awkward moments or probing questions. Just genuine curiosity and what feels like a real care for who I am and how I am doing.

It's easy to see why Edward is such a good person. I'm sure the Cullens aren't perfect, but they all carry this seamless grace and poise. Edward has clearly picked up Carlisle's quick wit. There is a lot of laughter around their dinner table. His huge heart obviously comes from Esme. The way she looks at me in such a maternal way when she barely knows me makes me feel euphoric and sad all at once. A longing for my own mother nags at my subconscious every time she smiles at me.

I'm surprised for what seems like the millionth time when Esme and Carlisle begin to clear the table after dinner. I stand to help but Esme shoos Edward and I away to spend time together privately. I thought the point of the evening was to meet the parents, but there's no way I'm snubbing my nose at alone time with him so I follow quickly to his room.

"So how many bodies will I find if I go down to the basement?"

"Don't be ridiculous Bella. We got rid of all the bodies before you came over."

He takes my hand, pulling me through his door at the top of the stairs as I laugh. His room is another surprise. I would have pegged him for neat and tidy but dirty laundry litters his floor. Next to the door a nearly empty hamper sits comically. He glances at the plastic container with a shrug and a smile before dropping my hand and turning his attention to the far side of the room. My eyes scan the walls, soaking everything in. A notebook lay open at the foot of his un-made bed. I squint down at the pages to find music notes scribbled across the blue lines.

Aside from a bed, dresser, night stand and desk, the rest of the room is filled with instruments. I run my finger over the leather head of a drum set tucked in the corner, glancing around at incredible variety. There are several guitars, a trumpet collecting dust on a shelf, and a small piano that sits along the wall by his window. A large stereo sits atop his dresser, the wall beside it lined with shelves full of CDs, tapes, and records. His collection is massive.

Above his bed another set of shelves line his wall all full of books. My eyes light up at the site. I wander over, running my fingers along the worn spines. I'm vaguely aware of music coming from behind me as I browse his collection and wonder yet again how someone like him could be real.

"It's pretty nice out, want to sit on the roof?"

"The roof?" I whip around.

He smirks at my unsettled reaction. "It's flat …the part above the garage. We can just go through my window - I do it all the time."

Blinking back at him unresponsive seems to communicate my apprehension. He smiles wider and reaches out his hand. A slight breeze wafts through his open window, which I just now realize is open. I look into the darkness and then back at him.

"Trust me," he purrs charmingly. I slip my palm into his.

It's actually nice, the surface is even and sturdy. Edward lays out a blanket so we stretch out, faces turned to the uncharacteristically clear night sky. It's breathtaking really; the sight of stars in Forks is a true marvel. The air is crisp, cool against my face but not biting. The smell of smoky fireplaces hangs gently around us, catching in the occasional breeze that lifts my hair toward the bottomless sky.

Edward's fingers drum lightly against the flat rooftop, mind wandering into the universe above. Music from the stereo just inside his window wafts into the night air in whispers. It's a song I'm unfamiliar with but the melody is soothing.

"Tell me something."

His eyes are dim in the moonlight as they slide to me leisurely. "What do you want to know?"

"Anything," I shrug pulling in a lungful of fresh air. "Something I don't know."

"Okay. There are between three to five new stars born every year in our Milky Way galaxy."

"Not about - you made that up, didn't you?"

"No, it's a fact."

"I didn't mean _anything_ anything, I meant anything about _you_."

He smirks lopsided making his nose wrinkle in the cutest way. "Oh. Well let me think. Hmmm. You wouldn't know thaaaaat… I can play the bagpipes."

Laughter spills out from my belly, tickling the roof of my mouth; the image of Edward in a kilt too much. "You do not! Really?"

He laughs too, looking only sort of embarrassed. "Yeah. One summer I went on this insane rampage to learn every instrument I could. Carlisle had these old bagpipes in the attic that were his father's so I thought, why not."

I laugh again telling him that's amazing because it is. He watches me expectant for a moment, pulling my hand onto his stomach. The way his fingers hold mine so caringly makes the sensation that much more intense.

"What about you, tell me something."

"Ugh, okay. Um… hm. This is hard. Well, I love to cook."

Edward's forehead wrinkles with lifted brows. "Really?"

"Yeah. Renee was kind of an experimenter when it came to the kitchen so I had to learn at a young age how to make real food or we would have starved."

He lets go a soft chuckle, drawing my eyes to his face. His skin is a washed, creamy canvas under the moonlight. He's not paying attention, humming lightly to the song coming from his window, so I'm free to stare as deeply as I please. I smile at the buzzing sensation his humming creates under my fingertips, loving how relaxed he is.

I can't help but think about the quiet brooding boy who used to watch me from afar. It seems like it's been years since that time. He was such a different person to me then.

I'd never believed the rumors about him. The stories always changed and never seemed anything less than outlandish. But I never made any effort to get to know him either. The worst I ever heard about him was that he murdered his real parents when he was very young. That one actually made me angry because some people really bought into it. He use to get in trouble easily in school too, like the teachers were just waiting for him to be this horrible person.

The Cullens didn't move to Forks until we were in Elementary school, so I suspect the fact that Edward was a new face in a very small town spawned the early speculation. And the fact that he kept to himself never helped anything I'm sure.

He's made more friends in the past few months than I would guess he's had most of his life. After the senior one acts everyone wanted to know him better. Although the word friends is applied lightly, it's entirely superficial and I'm all too familiar with what those kinds of friendships are like. _Leeches is more like it_.

"Edward?"

His humming quiets, he glances my way in question.

"Where did you learn how to act?"

His forehead wrinkles, eyes scrunching together. "Act?" He laughs a sarcastic cough of a laugh. "No, I don't know how to act."

This makes me laugh loudly, my mouth hangs for a moment. "Then you have a doppelganger because the person who stood on stage with me for Jess' play knew how to act."

Saying her name aloud sends a pang of guilt-laden longing through my gut. I need to talk to her, make things right. I miss her.

He frowns again shaking his head. "That was different."

"Explain."

His mouth purses, a sheepish expression clouding his features. "I don't know…"

"Yes you do."

"Maybe I don't want to say."

I feel like an ass for being nosy so I close my mouth and shrug. "Kay," I reply quickly, skirting my eyes away from him.

The air between us thickens immediately. I try to ignore it, searching for a way to change the subject but my mind is as clear as the sky. Eventually Edward lets out a heavy sigh, pinching his nose briefly.

"I can't believe…" he trails. "This is so embarrassing," he mutters but I don't think I am meant to hear it. "It was different because it wasn't much like acting to me."

I frown at him. "Not like acting?"

Our eyes meet, he stares at me for a long moment. We are both still as can be. I wait for him to explain, but can't help feel that he's waiting for me to just _get_ it.

"I guess you're just a natural," I try to state but it comes out a question_._

"Something like that." He looks away, a fraction of disappointment pulling the corner of his mouth down.

"You did memorize the lines ridiculously fast, so I can see that. Some people just have it in them," I muse, attempting to lighten the atmosphere again. "You definitely intimidated the shit out of me our first rehearsal. It's like you lived it, like you were really feeling it, and I had barely read through the thing once," I laugh through my rambling.

"Bella," he cuts me off.

His pointer finger traces along my fingers, outlining where my hand lies flat against his stomach. I'm trying to ignore the firm muscles beneath his shirt, but it's rather distracting. His touch tickles and rips through my nervous system, curling my toes.

"I memorized it fast because I've always memorized things easily - lyrics to songs, poetry. As far as the acting part, I had no clue what I was doing, it's just the words, the way Sam was feeling … I've felt that."

My mind filters through the things I know about Edward but a girlfriend that he loved dying of cancer is not among them. An icy ribbon slinks through my body. The thought creates so many reactions, jealousy being number one.

"You had a girlfriend who died of cancer?" I say so quickly I can't keep the words inside my head. He balks at me incredulously.

"No, no. Not literally. I mean, I've never been through that exact thing, but I've lost people before." His gaze shies away from me, turning his head toward the window.

I want to shout at him to just spit it out and tell me what he means, but he's clearly uncomfortable and I'd be the worst person to force anything out of him.

I exhale, wiggling my fingers against the cotton of his shirt. "You don't have to tell me any more, it's okay."

His face turns back to me, relieved and grateful. Rolling onto my side I rest my head on my free hand content to watch something better than stars. He smiles back, brushing a loose hair from my eyes. My stomach knots with anxious tension but it's not a bad kind. It's more anticipation. I imagine his lips kissing mine, wondering how far I'd be able to go.

"So then tell me about the girlfriends you have had." I try to make my request sound light but my voice comes out strained. Not wanting to sound needy or insecure, I regret asking immediately. _Just tell me if you're a virgin._

He squints at me with a smirk. "Nice try. I think it's my turn to ask a question."

"Okay, shoot."

"What is your ultimate dream?"

"Ultimate dream? Like a dream I actually have - reoccurring or something, or my metaphorical ultimate dream?"

"Metaphorical. If you could do anything, have anything, be anything - what is it?"

I can't help snickering. "To be honest I wouldn't know. My life was kind of hijacked recently and I haven't thought much in that way for a while."

He nods. "Well, what about before?"

I tap my finger against my chin thoughtfully. "Before? Well, I suppose it would have been to get out of this town. Jess and I both applied to NYU." As I speak I realize I've never told him that. I haven't thought about an extended future for a while.

He pulls my hand back to him. "Wow, that's far."

"That's kind of the point."

There's an edge of sadness brimming his eyes, it makes the green look endless. "What about you? Where did you apply?"

"Stanford was … is my number one choice."

"Wow. Could we have chosen schools any further apart?" A laugh bubbles around my words though I find no humor in it.

He laughs too, humorless. "Probably not."

"That kind of really sucks."

He blinks, swallowing hard. "Really, really sucks."

All of the sudden there's this massive elephant in the room - or on the roof. What does that mean for us? Do we talk about that now? It's only been three days since our first kiss, that's no time at all and certainly not long enough to talk changing our plans for the future. That's common sense though and my heart feels swollen in my chest, unable to see the merit in such things.

His hand closes around mine, twining our fingers together. All I can think is three days. _Three days_. What I'm feeling- this connection between us seems so much better than just three days. How do I express that?

"I don't have any memories of my mother," he says softly catching me off guard. If I expected him to say anything at all in the moment it wouldn't have been that. "I have one picture but I can't really look at it for very long."

My nose finds his shoulder, I press it there, breathing him in.

"I have Carlisle and Esme, but it wasn't always easy to connect with them. I've never had anyone - not even just a friend that I really felt drawn to. Always had a hard time bonding with people. I don't really know why, Carlisle and Esme have tried to help … I've seen doctors about it. But it's just something inside of me, I've just always been disconnected. I've never had anyone that I needed … if that makes any sense."

I immediately think of all the people I've cared for in my life, people that have a deep seated spot in my heart. My mom, Gran, Dad, Jess. I need them. Even the ones who are no longer here. I can't imagine not having that feeling, that basic desire.

Edward shifts, folding his legs as he sits up. His hand holds mine tightly. I mimic his posture, sitting up to face him.

"But then there was you."

Those words absorb into my skin slowly, traveling everywhere. The oxygen in my lungs, the blood through my veins, the fast beats of my heart. They're everywhere echoing around and making me ach for something I can't name.

"It's always been different. When I see you, when I hear you speak. There's this ball of light inside me that is warm and thrilling and painful and loud and wonderful - Bella, I can't do it justice. And I know this is a lot to hear but I just … I need to tell you."

His voice drops to a whisper. I can't help leaning in, my eyes on his lips as he speaks. Our foreheads touch.

"I hurt when you're not around. That ball goes silent, it's just this rock inside me weighing me down. I've never known that before. The feeling that I'm not whole without this missing piece. Without you."

I exhale his name, unable to supply him words with the right weight. Not like he just did.

"I'm trying to tell you that I'm sort of attached to you Isabella Swan. And it's terrifying how deeply I feel it, especially when you tell me you're going to NYU."

My free hand traces his hairline above his ear drawing my pointer finger down to his neck. The skin just behind his ear is unbelievably soft. My nails rake into his scalp there.

"You are something else," I murmur to his lips rubbing my nose against his. "And I haven't been accepted yet." I can't resist anymore, pressing my mouth to his.

He lets go my hand, wrapping his arms around my back. I tilt my head and we kiss sweetly, slowly.

When I pull back my mouth spreads wide enough to show teeth. I can't help it as much as I can't help staring deep into his eyes. "We'll figure it out. We have time."

He nods, smiling back before kissing my nose. "Ok. Time. I can deal with that."

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Hopefully no one had a heart attack from the shock of me actually updating. I'm not going to bore you with excuses. Life is life and it happens. I can't promise every day updates, but I can say that I'm ready to get this done … and it's so close. SO. Ok. Thoughts? Too soon for Edward to be professing his love? (**_**Never**_**, I scream.)** **Also, thanks for sticking around, my love for you is undying. xx B**


	20. Chapter 20

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight; all respective characters belong to SMeyer.**

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><p>After my mom died I came unglued.<p>

Parts of my body felt like they might just float away. I was unraveling, my rational mind -whatever part of it that was left- clawed at my insides to hold on. But ultimately I knew I'd lose the fight.

Dad was helpless with not a clue what to do. I was horrible to him though, I wouldn't let him help me. I couldn't. And maybe he couldn't either. I don't think he tried all that hard, but I don't fault him for that. After all, he lost his wife and was left with nothing but a crumbling child.

There's only one way to explain how I made it through that time- Jess. She was my oxygen. I was lost in a vacuum of space and she grounded me, kept my pieces from floating away. I hated her for it at first. Reality was a place I wanted to be far from but she continually brought me back**. **

Jess was stubborn; no matter how hard I tried to push her away she pushed back harder. This is what I'm trying to explain to Edward … why she's so important. Why she's _Jess._ We're on the phone so I can't see his face which is all I want right now. We've been talking for hours now but at this point that's ritual. I suffer in the mornings for it, exhausted from lack of sleep, but it's well worth it.

Talking to him is simple. There's nothing I don't feel like sharing - it just feels right he know everything about me. So it doesn't surprise me that I've gone so deep in this conversation.

"Bella, why don't you just call her?"

I pause, not sure how to answer - I don't have one. "I don't know."

But I guess I do. I'm terrified that I pushed too hard this time.

"I couldn't take it if she..." I trail.

"She won't" His voice is gravelly with sleep. I glance at the clock.

2:30.

"Edward. I... I can't handle her rejection. Anyone else but not Jess..."

"That's not going to happen-"

"I was horrible to her, completely selfish."

"You were going through a lot Bella."

"That's no excuse."

"You're being too hard on yourself," he sighs into the receiver, distorting his words.

"I don't know..."

"I know." He sounds almost angry. "I know that you need her and I'm sure she needs you. And if you thought you were being selfish before, you're being just as selfish, if not more, now by being a coward."

_Ouch._ A knot balls tightly in the pit of my stomach, not because what he said was hurtful. It was truthful - the exact kind of thing Jess would have said to me. I feel warm all over despite the knot, knowing Edward is willing to be that for me.

He's holding his breath, I can tell because I'd been listening to the slow rhythm of the sound for the last hour, now there's just silence.

"You're right," I finally reply sheepishly. Edward releases a long huff of air that makes me smile. "Thank you."

xx

My heart hammers against my ribs relentlessly. I pull a tentative breath through my lips, closing my eyes for a second - collecting myself. Mrs. Stanley was extremely generous when she answered the door. I'm sure she knows I've not been the best friend to Jess. All the same, she pulled me into a tight hug before I could even greet her hello.

Now I stand alone outside of Jess' door, panicking. It's ridiculous and stupid, but I can't help feeling this anxiety because I know I caused this and guilt is the heaviest thing. It's hard to shake.

I swallow, lick my lips and breathe out, opening my eyes. "Jess?" My voice cracks so I clear my throat and try again.

Her door swings open abruptly, causing me to jump. She stands there wide, chestnut eyes surprised and full of what I think is relief.

"I was wondering what was taking your ass so long." She says with utter nonchalance, belying her expression.

My mouth slinks wide into a slow smile. "Yeah, well I never said I wasn't stubborn."

Her face brightens, eyes smiling - lips curling happily. "You're such a bitch."

Rolling my eyes, I wrap my arms around her shoulders sucking her into a much needed hug. She melts into my embrace, her shoulders shaking beneath my arms. Tears burn my eyelids. "I'm so sorry Jess," I whisper, holding back all the emotion welling inside me.

She mumbles into my hair over and over, "I know, I know."

"Really, really sorry..." I trail hiccuping out a soft sob.

"Shut up," her voice waivers. Her fingers press into my back, her arms squeeze me tighter.

The rest of the afternoon is spent on Jess' bed. We take turns catching up and when it's my turn to tell her about Jasper she doesn't let me leave out a single detail. She asks me to describe everything about telling him off. She beams with a pride that warms my whole body and makes me beam right back.

"You really said all that?"

"Yeah. I think I got my point across. It's been a week and I haven't heard anything from him or Rosalie. She doesn't even come to lunch anymore - which reminds me, neither have you."

"Well," her grin screws into a sheepish smirk. "Gil and I have been ditching lunch most days..."

"Oh. My. God. Are you two … have you … JESSICA!"

"No, no!" She barks out a laugh, clamping her hand over my mouth so I can't say what I'm about to. "It's totally innocent for the most part. We haven't done anything big yet … but it's just nice. It's simple. I don't know, it almost feels too easy Bells."

Her hand falls away from my face as she drops flat onto her back. We stare at her ceiling in quiet for a moment. Daylight is growing softer with the creeping haze of dusk. The small, plastic stars dotting her ceiling are starting to glow just the slightest hue of green. It reminds me of sleepovers and warmer summer nights. I smile and breathe, allowing the feeling of relief for having my best friend back.

"I kind of know what you mean," I say tentatively, pulling my bottom lip between my teeth.

"I heard about you and Edward."

I don't need to look at her to know she's smiling, it's in her voice.

"I just want to say I told you so," she sighs casually, stretching her arms above her head.

Propping up onto my elbows I slant my eyes in her direction. "I don't have the slightest clue what you're referring to." She knows I'm full of shit.

"Ha! I call bullshit on that one!" She exclaims, tugging at a stand of hair that's fallen over my shoulder. I swat her hand away, losing my balance and rolling onto my side.

"I could just sense this energy from you two..."

"What?! Now _I_ call bullshit. You're claiming a superpower. I reject that completely." I laugh.

"Not a super power - _intuition_. Which was spot on _thank you_."

"You are such a liar." I say lightly, though I know she's telling the truth. Not just because I remember perfectly the night I told her I liked Edward, but because she's always had an uncanny ability to read people.

Her face falls a touch, the corners of her mouth turning down. The atmosphere prickles with a rolling wave of constricting reality. "So what happens now Bells?"

I knew as soon as her expression changed she was going to ask me that. And it's more than just the question - it's an entirely warranted worry. I don't really feel like voicing that I'm scared Jasper will not take my threats seriously. I've avoided those concerns happily for quite a few days, so I just shrug.

"Do you really think he's done? That he won't bother you or Edward anymore?"

"I hope not," I find myself whispering.

Her face smooths from a questioning brow to a sympathetic one. "Did you know he hasn't been in school all week?"

I shake my head no. "I've kind of been ignoring them to be honest. I guess I thought it was a blessing I hadn't run into him in the halls..." I trail, a nervous ripple unsettling my stomach. "Why, do you think it means something?"

Jess picks at her nails, shrugging. "Dunno. Maybe he got stuck in the looney bin where he belongs."

"That's not funny Jess," I admonish quietly. The image of Jasper's bruised face an unwanted vision I can't shake. "...You should have seen him."

"I could never feel bad for him," she says with such certainty I can't argue. She probably couldn't.

I have no idea why I do at all, but I can't help it. "I wish I couldn't too."

xx

The world feels different as I step out of my car Monday morning. Partly because spring is just around the corner and the warmer days are a welcome sign. Partly because I spent the whole weekend with Jess and it felt so much like old times that I had to pinch myself to make sure I wasn't dreaming. And partly, well ... mostly, because Edward is here to greet me with a good morning kiss and a cheese danish. I think I love him, and I wonder if people have ever fallen in love over something less than a cheese danish.

"Thank you," I smile blithely, taking the still-warm danish and sinking my teeth into the soft pastry.

"You're welcome." His smile is boyish-charming. It's special in a way that I couldn't find in any other face. It's an only-for-me smile that melts me gooey like the cheese in my danish.

Yes, this morning the world feels different. It feels new and shiny. It's happy, I think, and that's something I haven't _truly_ felt - tax free - for a long, long time.

"You're in a good mood this morning."

"You're observant," I hum through a pastry-filled mouth.

"So things must have gone really well with-"

"Isabella!" Jess choruses across the parking lot, cutting his sentence short.

"...Jess," he finishes in a mumble, our eyes drawn to where she crosses to us all smiles and waves.

"You guys are so cute!" She whisper shouts. I glance around instinctively at first, and then relax the muscles that automatically tensed. She makes me notice our posture; Edward leaned against my car door protectively almost, above me as I eat my morning treat. Only it's missing. I frown at my fingers where the last bit of danish was just perched between them.

"Mmm, this is delicious," Jess hums, licking her finger as she swallows.

"Hey!"

Her eyes go wide and doey. Rays of sunlight fighting through the clouds reflect in them making them round, honey-brown pools with flecks of gold. "Oh, were you going to finish that?"

Edward is chuckling but I can tell he's trying not to full-on belly laugh and I get distracted by the thought. His belly laugh is the best and I've only heard it a few times. I'd love to hear it on this warm, almost-spring, happy morning. I smile at him. He winks, shaking his head.

"You're lucky I love you," I say to Jess but I'm looking at Edward when I say it and he's looking at me. A secret thrill runs down my spine.

Jess sputters a sarcastic laugh. "If you loved me you would have saved me the whole thing, that was yummy." I look at her as she licks her fingers again and smiles. "Ready to get this day started, bitch?"

My mouth stretches stupid wide. "God I missed you."

"I know," she sing-songs, turning on her heel. I follow behind with Edward in tow.

"I'll never understand you girls," he's still chuckling to himself. He slips his pinky around mine gently while we walk, drawing a contented sigh from my chest. Today is going to be a really good day.

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><p><strong>AN: Thanks for sticking with me. :)**


	21. Chapter 21

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight; all respective characters belong to SMeyer.**

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><p>I'm left at my locker by Edward first and Jess second. First period is only a few doors down so I take my time stashing books in my bag for the first half of my day. I'm in a cheerful cloud of contentment, floating.<p>

The eyes I feel on my back as the hall clears touch my toes to the ground. I close my locker feeling heavier. When I turn and _she's _there and her face ... I feel like I might fall through the floor with the weight of it.

I've never seen her look so out of sorts. Her perfect polished facade tarnished and thinning. She only stares silently, flockless. I don't think I've ever seen her completely alone while at school. Her arms are taut against her chest, pulling her loose t-shirt pinched to her body. She's in jeans and a t-shirt. Rosalie Hale, jeans and a t-shirt. It looks so out of place my stomach churns anxious, my hands fidget. Rosalie's always been bigger than life, but standing there in clothes that aren't her she looks small.

"Rosalie-"

"Don't." She erupts, my voice setting her off. She takes two forceful steps toward me until her space is mine and the cumbersome air suffocates. "Don't you dare say a word to me," she spits.

My mouth clamps shut, hot tears filling my eyes. Her anger is radiating and I feel ashamed and guilty and furious that she can do that to me.

"It's all your fault." Her angry expression slips, her lip quivers with her words.

My palms burn. Nails break the skin. I know there will be small crescent marks there. I wish in weakness that I could make similar marks all over her face. My fists are the only sign I allow to show my aggitation. "I didn't do anything." I remain firm.

"You've ruined everything. You did it all. He's so broken because of YOU." She looks utterly disgusted as she slices her words right through me.

The bell rings, I don't jump, I don't breathe. I stand and stare and refuse to back down. I did nothing. I. Did. Nothing.

"Get out of my face Rosalie." I say calmly. The tears in my eyes don't spill over. My heart races, I search inside for any strength I may possess. I don't ask her what's happened to Jasper though a part of me, the sympathizing part, desperately wants to know.

She intimidates a beat longer, her eyes threatening. I let it roll off of me, I don't allow it to seep in. She turns away first, I feel a bit better, like I've won. Holding my head high I go to class. _ I've won_, I keep reminding myself, fighting off the guilt that has no place in my mind. _ I did nothing_.

That triumphant feeling bolsters and supports making me feel taller... till lunch time. That's when I find out because my sympathizing side is loud and relentless. Jasper has been admitted to a hospital. A _hospital_. Jess snorts and says he belongs in a looney bin. I smack her arm and push my full lunch tray away from me. There's no place for food in my knotted stomach.

Rosalie is nowhere to be found, her second in command gladly taking her place at the head of the table. This makes me sad and I hate it. I hate all of it. Jess, Gil and Edward watch me with nervous eyes, like I might fall apart at any moment and I hate that too.

"I'll see you guys after school," I mutter. Edward kisses my cheek before he releases my hand. My chair scrapes against the linoleum floor, they all let me go.

xx

Anger is a motivating emotion. Right now I want to do something. I want a change, a shift in this atmosphere clinging to me. I want to shake this useless guilt. Guilt that fuels my anger and makes me anxious to do _something_. Like a big, stupid circle. Because I did nothing. The words burn my lungs, I want to scream them so badly. The meaning keeps changing, going back and forth in my mind. It shifts like a slinkng snake left, then right - blame, then defense. I stood by and watched things unfold, allowed it. I did nothing to deserve any of it in the first place.

The softest kiss against my temple brings me out of it a little bit. But I can feel it and I'll get sucked back in, it's just a matter of seconds.

"He's better off," Edward whispers against my cheek. His fingers soothe through my hair.

"I know," I say automatically.

"Bella, he's getting the help that he needs." He sighs, pressing his forehead to my temple. We're stretched out on his bed, though my head is a million miles away. He's been doing his best to wrangle me in since we got here from school. He was worried about me being alone at home so I agreed to come here and do homework. Not that we've actually done any, but I couldn't focus on that now anyway.

I don't really understand the concern, I might seem a little distracted, but I don't get his worry - or Jess' for that matter. My conscience weighs in that I'm prone to depression, and I know that's what Jess whispered to Edward before we left school. But I don't feel anything close to depressed.

Leaning up, Edward's eyes dance across my face, absorbing my worry. His side of the bed dips with his shift in weight, drawing me closer to him._ Look at me please_. I can feel him think it so I do. The warmth in his face, the care, it calms. "You didn't do anything."

And there it is again. _ Maybe I want to do something,_I itch to shout back. Instead my hands find his hair. Softly at first, until my nails dig into his scalp and I pull his face to mine. Our lips tangle filling me with a different craving.

All I want is this - us. And it's been marred by an insane timeline of bullshit, I can't grasp that any of it's really happened.

"I should have stayed with you," I mumble against his lips. He runs his nose along mine, considering my words, waiting for clarity. "The party. I never should have walked away."

"Bella," he almost whimpers, begging me to leave the past where it belongs. _Join me here_, his hands cradling my neck solicit earnestly.

"Things would be so different." I can't stop the tear that slips past my lashes.

He pulls back, wiping away the liquid anger and smiles at my face. I frown at him. He smooths away the tension between my eyebrows with his thumb.

"Maybe," he says finally. "Or maybe things happen for a reason. Maybe I would have said something completely repulsive and you would have never talked to me again."

His shirt balls in my hand, unconsiously pulling him closer. I doubt that would have happened, not with his track record, so I roll my eyes and consider shimmying under his shirt and sticking my arms through the arm holes.

"It doesn't really matter Bella. All that matters is you and me and now. This is more than I could have ever hoped for." His face goes soft, leaning closer, our lips just heartbeats apart. "The fact that I can do this..." his mouth brushes mine. "...means the world. It's everything I care about now."

I taste my sorrow on his lips, dissolving into him. My tongue glides against his, a request for distraction. I need this. I need something that feels pure and honest. My heart bleeds for it, spilling into my lungs, making it hard to breathe.

His mouth is warm against mine, tinged with a hint of garlic from dinner but I don't care. It's Edward. At my fingertips. He'd let me do anything. I feel it in my bones. It's a soul shaking, mind shattering revelation that makes me want to cry to the heavens. He's my cocoon and I'm the silk worm. The changes I feel already are life-making. What would this boy be to me had this catastrophe not happened? I can't imagine anything good having come from it. But maybe this. Maybe one thing. The best thing. And if that is the case, if this was our only way, I'd do it again every time given the choice. Every second, every tear, every gut-wrenching moment. I'd soak it all in and think, Edward is the result.

He is worth it.

His nose presses into my cheek when he turns his head pulling me impossibly closer. It's cold, chilling me there while the rest of my body feels on the verge of combustion. I smile, tasting him, feeling him. Teeth graze his bottom lip teasingly. I look at him, breaking away just so I can. His expression is bliss and his lips are love-swollen. He is beautiful. I can feel my pulse beating in my teeth. Blood zooms through my veins like a freed bird, fluttering hungrily at my heart.

I need to see if his heart beats as rich and as loud as mine so I press my hand against his chest. His heart punches alive metered fast and healthy. I want to crawl inside of him and see if he's filled with the same longing to be connected entirely.

"Feel that beautiful?" He's out of breath and ridiculous for calling me that but I grin so high I think my face might split. "You drive me crazy."

His words warm down my neck in a heavy whisper, my hand pinned between us. He trails gentle pecks down my throat. I move my hand slowly, finding his against my hip. I grip his fingers gingerly and tug them away as he adores with his lips. I allow myself to remember for only a brief moment, a flash of a second really, the chilling numbness panic struck through me the last time he touched me. _Edward is worth it._

He tenses when I press his hand over my left breast. My heart thrums against ribs and flesh, a hummingbird now demading to be heard. I know he can feel it.

I swallow back the seizing anxiety that claws its way from my gut, telling myself I'm better, I'm stronger. I won't let this beat me. Won't let others' painful mistakes stunt my life any longer.

My name falls from his lips in the sweetest cadence. I release his hand encouraging him with my eyes to leave it there and touch his face. Swim my fingertips across his cheek, focus on his expression. Mesmerize every line, every dimple, every fleck of golden lime against his mossy green. I want to live here in this moment. I feel etched into his skin. I allow this because it is what feels natural, that we be tied so tightly.

These are the thoughts that carry me away and eviscerate my angst. These are the eyes that anchor me and release me all in one.

"Okay?" he asks with hushed concern. I nod, biting my lip just barely when his fingers stretch and cover and feel. Lightly. Gently. Lovingly.

It's reverence that plays in his eyes and on his lips with his quiet smile. This feeling is nothing like before, that was nothing - this is everything. This is my purest feelings for Edward on fire burning everything in its path to ash. The need for him simmering in my deepest parts begging to be acknowledged. It balls in nerves beneath his tips, snapping in bursts of current. My eyes fall heavy lidded with anything but sleep.

My head lulls back a moan rumbling against my larynx. He sucks in a sharp breath through his nose and applies just a little more pressure. I can feel his need for me and how much he is holding back and I want to rip his clothes and bare myself to him. Skin to skin I want to feel every piece of him.

I want to fade into him.

My mouth finds his neck, ear, cheek. I tug against his collar hating the fabric that could never been anywhere close to his softness. "I need you." I divulge to his jaw.

He groans, giving in a little more. Feeling more. Taking. _Please take. You can have everything._He slips between my legs, holding his weight above me, lips kissing along my collar. It makes me angry that he's still being so careful. It's an irrational anger so I impress it upon my own shirt. I hate this shirt.

My fingers work fast to unbutton the soft flannel that until two seconds ago had been my favorite. Now it's just an obstacle. I'm clumsy in my hast. Taking two and three tries to push the small round plastic through its hole. Edward's hands close around mine, stilling me.

"Bella..."

He's warning, trying to slow me down. But that's the opposite of what I need right now. I close my eyes and count to five. When I open them his crinkled expression judges in worry, dipping into mine, finding my certainty. His eyes, less crinkled now, question for only a moment. He let's go of my hands and unbottons the remaining buttons.

His hands shift to grip the edges of the fabric lightly. The tip of a finger grazes against my hidden-flesh soft rib. His eyes wash over me with tenderness, settling on my own watchful gaze. I smile from my deepest parts. A smile shinning from my eyes but originating from my soul, thanking him for trusting me.

His hand, under my shirt, spreads wide against my side. It's warm, evoking a bubbling energy deep within. I press needy lips to his throat. They don't kiss, just linger. His head dips, kissing his own path of want along my clavicle. His hair smells like sunshine and I can't breathe deep enough.

He folds us into one another, pulling me onto my side. My leg slips over his hips and I sink into him like quick sand. He pulls me under until our breaths match, until I can't tell the difference. My fingers press over his heart loving the music his body makes. His hands stay above my bra, teasing through cotton.

It's when I consider for the briefest moment that I wished that barrier didn't exist that I realize the enormity of the moment. I take a silent inventory of my faculties. My teeth press against his lips with the grin that breaks our kiss. I laugh and breathe through my nose the freshest, purest pull of oxygen I've ever experienced. I fill my lungs until it burns and release it into a impassioned burst of exertion. Warms lips to crazy, happy lips dance in a chaotic hungry tango.

It's perfect, for now. All we need is this. Lips and air.

I add hands to the list because Edward spreads his torturously soft against my breast, cherishing. It drives my insides crazy, making me squirm though I try and stay as still as possible.

My skin is a map of excitement, canvased in bumps that heighten the feel of every touch. Edward rolls us again, moving above me so he can kiss more skin. My head tips back as I arch my chest firmer into his palm. He grunts a primal sound that pulls sharply at something deep inside me, making me tremble.

Somewhere along the line I lost my shirt completely. Somewhere along the line I lost myself just as completely. Edward isn't far behind. He allows his weight to settle, resting his hips against me just so. The sensation is overwhelming so I wrap my legs tight around his waist and do all I can to rid the space between us. We become the churning waves of the ocean, a storm at bay rolling us deeper with each passing moment. I can feel the clouds of lust forming thick around my brain, eclipsing judgement.

My mouth hangs open, dry with want. My eyes clamped shut, begging to hold in every synapse of euphoric energy biting at my nerves. Every lick of pleasure snapping through me singes and I want it. _More_, I think singularly, all I'm capable of. _More. More. More_.

Edward's hands grip my waist, his tide calms. His lips first, then his hips. He breathes heavy against me placing a relaxed kiss to my temple. I pout against shut eyes, clamping my legs tighter and rolling my hips. He grips me harder, shuddering when I do.

"We have to stop."

"We don't_ have _to do anything," I counter, trying my hips again, nibbling his ear.

He stills me with a grunt, his hands are strong - his resolve is stronger.

"Bella, if we don't stop now I won't be able to stop at all."

I open my eyes finally, frowning at the dimly lit surroundings. The colors seem all wrong. I should be seeing in technicolor after the sensations I was just feeling. Then I consider his words. His face is serious concern and I think, for that moment, I'm sure I would be fine. It would be okay. "Well-" I begin but he cuts me off before I can even fully process my own thoughts.

"No, we can't."

I'm momentarily wounded but he reads me quickly and recovers with an endearing smile and tilt of his brow. "Babe, I'm all for progress and yours is amazing. But I think we'd be pushing it."

"But-"

"And I don't want to rush it. I want it to all it can be."

I know my expression, it's the same I give Jess when she says something ridiculous and doesn't even realize it. "G.I. Joe. Really?"

"No!" He smiles with his teeth and his whole face and my hearts hurts in my chest it's such a remarkable sight. "I just mean the potential, it's - I don't even know. You and I have something I can't begin describe, so that ... that will be ... that will be the thing that love songs are made for."

I giggle and grin, loosening my legs so I can tickle his ribs. He rolls us to our sides and grabs my fingers. I remember being jealous when he did the same thing to Jess. That he touched her. And now here I am, and here he is. So I kiss him squarely on the lips. I kiss him so I can feel the pattern his lips make, so individual, like a thumbprint. I kiss him so we can connect in a way I've never felt with anyone else. I kiss him because I can.

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><p><strong>AN: I wanna keep this short, so two quick things - thanks again to those of you sticking with my sporadic updates. Secondly, I've had reviewers asking if this is over. It's not, there's still more to go. Trust me, you'll know when it's done! :)**


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